Donald Trump, Lifelong Politician, Interviews For A Corporate Gig

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, USA ENTERPRISES: Who's our next candidate, Joan?

HIRING MANAGER: Looks like it's...Donald Trump, a longtime politician from New York.

CHAIRMAN: Hmm. Never heard of him. Send him in.

(Joan calls Mr. Trump in from the lobby.)

TRUMP: Thank you, gorgeous. Oh, wow, look at you. Beautiful. What's your name?


TRUMP: Wow, Jane, great job. Really good stuff...really classy, I like it. I cherish women, you know. I'll be phenomenal to the women here.

CHAIRMAN: Mr. Trump, please have a seat. 

TRUMP: Certainly...and you are?

CHAIRMAN: Roger McGwire, Chairman of the Board of Directors here at USA Enterprises. Welcome to our

TRUMP: That's great. Listen, I don't have much time. I'm here to be the CEO.

ROGER: Well, we're interviewing a lot of candidates and

TRUMP: Rodg, I gotta say, those other people are losers, let me tell you.

ROGER: Oh, okay...well what sets you apart? What will Donald Trump bring to our business?

TRUMP: Business? Can't stand it. Disgusting. I'm not a businessman. Good people don't go into business, I must tell you.

ROGER: (stunned silence) So no business experience then. Um...well...what qualities make you a great leader?

TRUMP: When you're the CEO, you need to have a tremendous tone. You need someone who is really, really smart and really competent. This person has to get things done. Super confidence is a must. A lot of CEO's have no confidence and it's ruining business. This company needs someone with an aggressive tone and I'm your guy, there's no question.

ROGER: Well, that's a start. We've had a few hiccups lately and

TRUMP: You worried about sales? We're gonna fix it.

ROGER: ...

TRUMP: Morale? We're gonna fix it. 

ROGER: ...uh...

TRUMP: Sexual harassment towards women...we're gonna fix that, too.

ROGER: Okay. I don't mean to give you the wrong impression. USA Enterprises has actually been growing steadily over the last

TRUMP: Listen, we need to make this company great again. Everyone hates this company, it keeps losing. Everyone thinks it's a loser. The people here will like me very, very much and I gotta say I think this company can be fantastic.

ROGER: Well we think we have a fantastic infrastructure. Did you get a chance to read through our company manual before the interview today?

TRUMP: Oh, the company manual. Yes, big fan. My favorite book of all time. Nothing beats the company manual, I must tell you. 

ROGER: That's great! What are some of your favorite chapters?

TRUMP: You know, for me, the company manual is a very personal thing I gotta tell you Raymond. I'd rather not get into it.

ROGER: Okay, uh, can you at least mention a broad concept covered in the manual? Something like that?

TRUMP: Well I think the whole thing is just incredible. Such a great set of rules. Listen, all these problems, everything is terrible. We're gonna fix it.

ROGER: (skeptical) What's your plan? What will you do on the first day as CEO?

TRUMP: Take this product, for instance. (grabs pen from desk) This is terrible. Such a disaster. When I'm CEO, we'll fix them. 

ROGER: But we don't even make tho

TRUMP: Doesn't matter. This pen doesn't work, that I can tell you. One day it will literally blow up in your face.

ROGER: (angrily takes pen and scribbles a few notes) Let's move on to something lighter.

One thing we're very proud of here at USA Enterprises is our company softball team. (points to plaques on the wall) We've won two championships already, and we're hoping our new CEO can manage the team for a few games here and there...

TRUMP: Listen, I will be so good at the softball team it will make your head spin.

ROGER: ...ever since our last CEO retired to spend more time with his family

TRUMP: Oh, that guy? Such a loser. I would say he's incompetent, but I won't do that because it's not nice. His wife is very unattractive, I must tell you. Have you seen my wife? Gorgeous. I have a beautiful wife. I do think he's incompetent.

ROGER: ...

TRUMP: By the way, many smart people agree with me.

JOAN: Roger, we're almost out of time.

TRUMP: Oh Judy, wow, what a voice. You're killing me! So attractive...inside and out. Very nice. (to Roger) Robert, can I expect more women next time we do this?

ROGER: Why don't we wrap this up? In five words or less, tell me what your tenure will be like if you become CEO of USA Enterprises.

TRUMP: Listen, we're gonna make a lot of deals. These Japanese guys are going to come in waves and we're going to win every deal. You'll get so bored of winning we'll be doing it so much. This company will be so big and so great and all the other companies will try to be like us because we will be a great company. Everyone here is incompetentexcept you, Rickand I'm just going to be super competent I can assure you. I also want to say Julie looks fantastic, I must tell you.  |ES|