The Most Frightening Thing About My Childhood Is Running For Mayor Of Knox County, Tennessee
Glenn Jacobs, a 49 year-old libertarian Republican insurance salesman, is running for mayor of Knox County, Tennessee. Or, put another way, the beast from my childhood nightmares may soon conduct city council meetings.
Pre-adolescent Rim, unsure of pro wrestling's authenticity, was absolutely terrified of Kane, an enormous, silent monster who summoned flames with arm movement and made several attempts to burn his family members alive. Kane's mask was so menacing I never considered the possibility that a regular guy was behind it. His finishing moves — the Tombstone Piledriver and Chokeslam to Hell — left opponents motionless and potentially deceased. The thought of being in the same room as Kane was petrifying.
No one outside of east Tennessee cares about Glenn Jacobs' municipal platform, least of all me. But I am very interested in discussing what we might see if Kane were in charge of nearly 450,000 people. Suspend disbelief like 11-year-old Rim and find out what havoc the Mayor of Destruction may one day wreak.
Demolish all fences between neighbors in residential areas
Kane burst onto the scene at Badd Blood: In Your House when he interrupted his half-brother Undertaker's Hell in a Cell match with Shawn Michaels. Just as Taker was about to finish off his opponent, Kane emerged from the tunnel and proceeded to tear the cell door off its hinges with the ease of a high-schooler with ADD who snaps the clips off his Bic pens. Kane never met a chain link fence he liked, and his first act as mayor will be to bring down these barriers so it's easier for quarrels between enemies to be settled in Knox County.
Mandatory DNA testing for everyone in town
The Devil's Favorite Demon has a convoluted family tree. His father, a funeral home director named Paul Bearer (below), allegedly had an affair with the mother of The Undertaker, resulting in Kane's birth. According to Bearer, a young Undertaker started a fire that killed both his parents and — he thought! — his half-brother Kane. But Kane survived, his face (and soul) scarred forever by the actions of The Undertaker.
The ensuing sibling conflict lasted years, with Undertaker initially disputing Bearer's story and the two monsters alternating as partners and adversaries. It was a whole thing, a rigmarole could have been avoided if everyone just scraped some cheek tissue cells and put it all on the table. Lord knows how far that philanderer Paul Bearer spread his seed, and it's a sure bet Kane wants to live in a place free of familial uncertainty at this stage of his life.
Lift all burn bans
The most recent burn ban for Knox County expired in December, so to really drive the point home, Kane should issue a new ban and then immediately repeal it (pretty sure that's how local government works). Better yet, enforce a burn requirement: Every citizen, including minors, must set something ablaze every day. You're never too young to learn the awesome and destructive power of fire.
Increase funding for public schools
This might seem like a mundane priority for a maniac who once delivered a Tombstone Piledriver to a woman. But buried in the darkest depths of Kane's soul is a surprising amount of intelligence, as evidenced by this showstopping performance on Weakest Link:
Kane outlasted seven WWE competitors — including Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin — to bank nearly $85,000 for his charity (presumably a local cemetary).
Not every kid in Knox County will grow up to be a world champion pro wrestler who terrorizes the entire WWE roster for two decades. Thankfully, their next mayor understands the importance of good education as a back-up plan. |ES|