"The Magnificent Seven" | 'Game of Thrones' S7 E5 Recap

If you're suffering from whiplash and/or nausea from all of the location-jumping during this last episode, you are not alone. The showrunners took what would have been probably 4-5 episodes of plot development in previous seasons and packed it all into one here. You'd be forgiven for feeling a little exhausted trying to keep up with all the developments, but hey — that's what I'm here to help with, right?

I’ve broken things down by location per usual, but instead of jumping from one location back to another just to go back to the first location, everything’s listed together. Character appearances may or may not be 100% accurate. I’m having a kid next week, y’all. Cut me some slack.

Somewhere between King's Landing and Highgarden (Jaime, Bronn, Dany, Tyrion, Dickon Tarly, Papa Tarly, Drogon)

To no one's surprise, Jaime's alive! Also: Bronn! Bronn made it back in my good graces immediately this episode when he had the line about their partnership ending once dragons got involved. Jaime realizes the Lannister army is totally screwed since Dany basically just wiped them out with one dragon, and she's got two more of the little bastards.

Speaking of Dany, she gathers the Lannister army survivors and offers them two choices: bend the knee or die. Not too tough of a choice IMHO, but of course the dipshit Tarlys make it into a whole thing about honor even though literally two episodes ago they were pissed that Cersei killed their ally, Olenna Tyrell.

  smdh

smdh

Drogon, pry still a little peeved from that arrow to the shoulder, wastes no time frying up two of the three living members of House Tarly. No pressure, Sam.

King’s Landing (Jaime, Cersei, Bronn, Tyrion, Davos, Gendry!)

Jaime’s like, “Yo, we can’t win against three dragons and the Dothraki. We gotta call for a truce. Also: Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey.” Cersei, showing that she’s slipping further into full-blown insanity, tells Jamie she’d rather fight and die. She’s got Jaime questioning his loyalty and shit.

Stick with me here as we try to dissect the next 45 plots occurring simultaneously:

Bronn tricks Jaime into meeting with Tyrion, and they have a pretty underwhelming conversation about how Tyrion murdered their dad.

Then Cersei and Jaime have a conversation where Jaime tries to get her to meet with Dany. Cersei’s like “Nah, I’m good, brah. Btw, I’m pregnant with another incest baby.” Jaime loses his ability to think rationally at this point which got me thinking: is this pregnancy for real? Or has Cersei just figured out how to manipulate Jaime’s emotions and use him to her advantage? I’m not a betting man, but I would stake my life on the latter at this point.

Meanwhile, Davos finds Robert Baratheon’s bastard son Gendry, and brings the internet’s favorite meme to life. Gendry’s just been chilling in King’s Landing this whole time making armor for the people that tried to kill him while waiting for Davos to do his best Nick Fury impression and assemble the Westerosi Avengers. Gendry shows he ain’t nothing to fuck wit during their escape from King’s Landing by using his Warhammer to bash in the faces of two super-horny Lannister guards. Cool. Can we get the fuck out of here now?

Dragonstone (Jon, Dany, Drogon, Jorah)

  “Oh um…you’re back. Awesome! I was soo worried. Um, would you mind giving Jon and I a couple minutes alone, though?”

“Oh um…you’re back. Awesome! I was soo worried. Um, would you mind giving Jon and I a couple minutes alone, though?”

Drogon and Dany return after the big battle, and Jon shares a touching moment with his cousin/future step-son. Just as Dany really starts to give Jon the come-hither look, Jorah shows up and pretty much immediately cements his place in the friend zone once again with the Mother of Dragons.

Varys and Tyrion are sharing a laugh and some apprehension regarding Dany over some wine when Varys whips out a letter from Bran that says the White Walker threat is even more urgent than Jon has made it the last few weeks.

Once everyone is back together in THE SITUATION ROOM, Tyrion offers a plan: Jon and Jorah will go get a wight or White Walker and take it to King’s Landing to show Cersei so she’ll hopefully lay off the whole “kill all my enemies” shtick. Varys is like, “Yeah, that could work, but you’re forgetting the part where you have to have Cersei agree to see you and not murder you on sight.”

Luckily, ya boi Davos agrees to smuggle Tyrion into King’s Landing for a secret meeting with Jaime, who he thinks he can convince to talk to Cersei and get them an audience. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

Once team King’s Landing make it back to Dragonstone, Gendry and Jon have a nice little chat about their fathers. Gendry says he wants to go on Jon’s “swear-it’s-not-a-suicide-mission” mission north of the wall. They dip out, but not before Dany and Jon definitely confirm through coy dialogue and flirty eyes: they’re gonna bone at some point.

Winterfell (Bran, Arya, Sansa, Littlefinger)

In case you forgot (like I did), Bran can still warg into animals. In this case, he sends a flock of ravens north of the wall to check on the Night King’s progress. He doesn’t like what he sees so he sends his ravens to the rulers in Westeros (and the Citadel) to try and unite them against their common enemy. I think.

Sansa calls a meeting of the Northern lords where she does her best Jon impression by sitting there brooding while people argue around her. Arya watches this and then gives her shit later saying that she’s always liked nice things and always wanted to be queen. Basically Arya is starting to accuse Sansa of not wanting Jon to come back. This seemed kind of out-of-character for Arya. They’re really trying to force this sister vs. sister feud.

Later, Arya spies on Littlefinger and finds a note that he definitely planted in his room for her. The note is from when Sansa was forced to write a letter to their brother Robb about surrendering to Cersei because their dad was a traitor. Don’t take the bait here, folks. These sisters just had one of the most long-awaited reunions, and not even Littlefinger can mess with the Stark family bond.

The Citadel (Sam, Gilly, Sam Jr., Maesters)

I believe “maester” means “WASP” in Westerosi. Just FYI. Sam tries to warn these old white dudes that the Night King and White Walkers are real, but no one’s really having it. Sam then pulls what I refer to as a “Cole in one of his college education classes” move and claps back at the authority figures before storming out of the room. He probably didn’t tell them to go fuck themselves, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. I have my diploma, and YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN IOWA COLLEGE OF EDUCATION. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Sam.

Gilly’s reading one of the books Sam “borrowed” from the library, and drops a giant plot bomb that basically confirms: (1) not only is Jon a Targaryen, but (2) he was the result of a loving relationship between Rhaegar and Lyanna Stark. That makes him the true heir to the Iron Throne, and means Robert Baratheon’s story of Lyanna being kidnapped and raped was all a lie in his personal quest for revenge.

Wonder if Jon and Gendry are still gonna be buddies when that news breaks...

Eastwatch (The Magnificent Seven – Jon, Gendry, Tormund, Jorah, Beric, The Hound, Thoros – and Davos)

  “What are we? Some kind of suicide squad?” | Artwork by  Redditor GEHAB

“What are we? Some kind of suicide squad?” | Artwork by Redditor GEHAB

We’re almost done. Try and keep up through the home stretch, k?

At Eastwatch, Jon recognizes The Hound from a meeting at Winterfell a while back. Jorah recognizes Thoros somehow. Gendry recognizes Beric and Thoros, whom you’ll recall sold him to a Red Preistess back in one of the earlier seasons. Tormund recognizes Jorah’s last name as that of the former Night’s Watch commander, and he’s immediately on edge. The Hound pulls a vintage Hound line and tells everyone to shut their hole.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the ragtag team of heroes that is somehow going to find the White Walkers, capture one, haul it hundreds of miles back to King’s Landing and ideally not get killed the second they step foot in the Red Keep.

You want my opinion? Say your good-byes to Beric and Thoros. The rest of the squad has some amount of unfinished business to sort out before they kick the bucket.

I hate the word epic. It’s been overused to the point of losing all meaning in today’s world, but it’s the only word that comes to mind when I consider what the final two episodes of this season will bring. Don’t believe me? Just watch:

Hype levels at maximum.

See you next season, lords and ladies.