The First Time I Watched 'Titanic' (Just Now)

  Me mowing the lawn as a teenager.

Me mowing the lawn as a teenager.

When I was a young rambunctious teen, I would cut the grass using an old Snapper riding mower. Eventually I'd get bored and stand up while driving to stretch my legs. On a day when my Sony Mini-Disc player was on the fritz, I made up a song to the tune of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. It remains my only notable musical achievement, and it worked because I could pretend to be Leo doing the "king of the world" bit while on the front of a lawn mower. The opening lyrics to my version:

Coooome aboard the ship of
The ship of
My looooo-oooooove
Come and see what it's like
To be-eee meeee-eeee

There was probably more to it, but you get the idea. Young Puffy with the remix.

Anyway, I'm one of a handful of people who has never actually seen the movie. So I watched it the other day and wrote down my reactions. Little something called scraping the bottom of the Good Blog Post Idea barrel. Join me down here.


0:00:45
Lot of sepia white people right off the bat. Is this real footage? Am I an idiot for thinking that?

Everybody’s waving goodbye, hah. Little do they know they’re waving goodbye for real.

0:01:20
Impressed by the deep sea submarine technology here. Seems super advanced for 1997. Feel like we should be on Mars by now?

  YOUNG BILL PAXTON HOOP EARRING. (ALSO RIP.)

YOUNG BILL PAXTON HOOP EARRING. (ALSO RIP.)

0:05:30
“Snoop Dogg is on the move!” A dream come true for groundbreaking gangster rapper Snoop Dogg as he now has a deep sea search probe named after him in a movie about a shipwreck.

  Not a sight I expected to see in this film.

Not a sight I expected to see in this film.

0:08:30
I was under the impression these boys were on some sort of educational discovery mission. Turns out they were looking for treasure. The 1990’s were a time of relentless greed. Sad.

  The sloppy idiot on the right sprayed everyone with champagne before they even opened the safe! Gotta be better than that in high-stakes moments.

The sloppy idiot on the right sprayed everyone with champagne before they even opened the safe! Gotta be better than that in high-stakes moments.

0:09:30
They didn't find the diamond necklace they're apparently searching for, but they did find a drawing of the woman who wore it. Intrigue!

“You know boss, the same thing happened to Geraldo and his career never recovered.” Geraldo has had a fine career thank you very much. Also I feel like you should be more heartbroken seeing as how you were just celebrating your new riches by slugging champagne. 

0:11:00
Some old ass lady doing pottery sees the necklace drawing on her Jetsons TV. 

0:12:30
Apparently this woman had easy access to the phone number for Bill Paxton's boat in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. “I was just wondering if you had found the Heart of the Ocean Mr. Lovett.” Paxy's a busy man though. Get to the point, lady. “YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION, MRS. ROSE. Can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?” Not sure how he knew the lady saw the drawing, but we'll keep it moving.

  This unkempt guy in a  Watchmen  shirt about to unleash a harshly critical rant about my hometown.

This unkempt guy in a Watchmen shirt about to unleash a harshly critical rant about my hometown.

0:13:10
Champagne idiot doesn’t believe the old lady was on the Titanic. “Rose Dewitt Calvert died on the Titanic when she was 17. Her name was Rose Dawson back then, then she marries this guy named Calvert, they move to Cedar Rapids and she punches out a couple of kids. Now Calvert’s dead, and from what I hear, Cedar Rapids is dead!”

I'm just going to ignore the very crass way you described the miracle of childbirth and instead focus on the way my hometown of Cedar Rapids was dragged through the mud in this blockbuster movie by a character who looks like he lives in the mud. Very unfair!

Anyway, Rose allegedly knows where the big blue diamond is. Bring her in.

  How Beyonce avoids traffic.

How Beyonce avoids traffic.

  Wait is this movie really just a love story? Will these two get it on? Folks, you'll just have to stay tuned.

Wait is this movie really just a love story? Will these two get it on? Folks, you'll just have to stay tuned.

0:15:00
Rose wants to see the drawing. This diamond thing belonged to a king or something and then it was made into a necklace and somehow given to Rose. Tough to focus when Rose is blurting out lines like "How extraordinary!"

0:17:45
Unkempt guy shows her a video rendering of the sinking. Cool cartoons dude, but Rose is more interested in telling the real story.

  Rose steppin' out the whip like it's a Rick Ross video. M-M-M-M-MAYBACH MUSIC!

Rose steppin' out the whip like it's a Rick Ross video. M-M-M-M-MAYBACH MUSIC!

0:22:00
Young Rose, a woman of infinite decadence, is unimpressed by the Titanic upon first glance. Imagine living in 1912, looking at the goddamn Titanic, and being like, "Eh."

0:24:30
We finally see Leo playing cards to win some other dudes' tickets. Looks like he's got a watch and a pocketknife on the line, items which don't seem to be of equal value to a grand voyage across the Atlantic Ocean.

“We’re the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?” It's funny because they're going to die horrible deaths.

  Roll that beautiful boat footage.

Roll that beautiful boat footage.

0:29:15
Old Rose drops in with the voiceover. Hey Old Rose, don't mean to disrespect my elders here, but do you remember being kind of rude when you were young? All artsy fartsy with your big ass hats and expensive whips and unimpressed by THE TITANIC.

  When you send a good tweet.

When you send a good tweet.

0:30:45
Ooooh here comes the muuuuusiiiic. Like a late-90's remix to some smooth Enya. Wait was Enya on this soundtrack? Oh no sorry I'm thinking of the commercial for Pure Moods. Shout out Pure Moods. God this music is good. 

Lot of montages in this movie so far. We got a boat-moving montage, a coal-burning montage, a captain-sipping-tea montage, Leo’s hair blowing in the wind montage. Also it's possible I'm misusing the word "montage" here, but you get the point. 

  Two thousand people on the boat and only two of them are interested in going to the front part. (FYI I don't care about ship jargon so don't even try.)

Two thousand people on the boat and only two of them are interested in going to the front part. (FYI I don't care about ship jargon so don't even try.)

  Little something called perspective, people.

Little something called perspective, people.

0:34:45
Looks like some rich people are talking about how big and luxurious the ship is with the guy who designed it, Mr. Andrews. The thing about Titanic is that it's not only a love story but an allegory for society, people. Classism and stuff.

Rose drops some knowledge on the guy whose idea it was to build the Titanic. “Do you know of Dr. Freud? His theories on the male obsession with size might be of particular interest to you?” Sex jokes keep the audience on their toes, old movie trick.

0:35:15
Oh wow Leo appears to be a very talented sketch artist. His character's name is Jack Dawson but I'm probably going to stick with Leo.

0:36:35
Old Rose back at it again with the voiceover. Poor girl felt lost among the rich and famous, just going to hifalutin parties every day with her eyes glazed over. That's no way to float through life, Rose!

 When you realize you're not about that life. (1 of 3)

When you realize you're not about that life. (1 of 3)

0:37:00
Now Rose is running away crying. Little quarter-life crisis in action. Oh my goodness is she going to jump off the back of the boat? Jesus Rose don't kill yourself. Actually you know what, just do it. The boat's gonna sink anyway. At least this way you'll get some special attention.

 Worst part of the movie was when she didn't jump.

Worst part of the movie was when she didn't jump.

0:38:00
Jack and Rose meet for the first time. This guy is smoooooooth. “You jump in and I’m gonna have to go in there after you.” Maybe the most romantic thing ever said to a suicidal person.

“Truth is I’m a lot more concerned about that water being cold.” Maybe a little foreshadowing? I heard Jack dies at the end because of the cold water. That was the rumor going around in 1997, anyway.

“You ever been to Wisconsin?” Heck no Rose hasn’t been to Wisconsin you idiot. She might be a royal princess for all we know. Good storytelling though, gets her mind off wanting to drown herself. Helps them bond a little bit. Classic Jack.

ROSE: I know what ice fishing is!
JACK: Sorry, you just seem like kind of an indoor girl.

Wait do I like this movie??

  Folks I'm not sure  Mystery The Pickup Artist  would have been able to handle this situation as well as Jack Dawson.

Folks I'm not sure Mystery The Pickup Artist would have been able to handle this situation as well as Jack Dawson.

0:42:15
What an introduction for these two. OH SHIT SHE SLIPPED! JACK SAVED HER LIFE! Oh my gosh she almost fell off the side of the boat!!! I bet they accuse him of doing it. “Listen, I’ve got you. I won’t let go.” My goodness what a moment.

0:43:00
Why are they cuffing your boy Leo? The fiancé douche is about to kick his ass. Rose says she wanted to see the boat propellers. Piping hot take from this other old dude: “Like I said, women and machinery do not mix.” Luckily for Mr. Lovejoy here he'll be dead before women are allowed to vote.

Hey also Rose maybe you should have said something earlier? You know, before they handcuffed Jack with the intention of THROWING HIM IN BOAT PRISON. Have some sense for me one time.



0:44:45
Fiancé dude does the bare minimum and invites Jack to dinner as a display of gratitude for saving the life of the woman he loves. Oh and what do you know Mr. Lovejoy doesn’t believe their story. “It’s interesting, the young lady slipped and you still and time to remove your jacket and your shoes.” Keep an eye on this one, folks.

0:45:45
Good golly that's a big-ass, blue-ass diamond! Fifty-six carats are you kiddin' me? That's a lot right? Holy cow.

Fiancé man says it was worn by Louis XVI, but I have a rule of thumb that you never trust dudes with excessively manicured eyebrows. Somebody fact-check this guy. 

“It’s for royalty. We ARE royalty, Rose.” Damn he’s kind of indicating that they don’t really get along? This is a relationship to monitor, folks.

  Wow, there it is. The Heart of Te Fiti.

Wow, there it is. The Heart of Te Fiti.

  When you feel guilty accepting a million-dollar piece of jewelry from a man you don't truly love.

When you feel guilty accepting a million-dollar piece of jewelry from a man you don't truly love.

0:46:55
Jack and Rose are talking on the deck, getting to know one another a little bit. Nice of Rose to give a poor schlub like Leonardo di Caprio the time of day.

Rose is talking about the stresses in her life or some shit, and Jack hits her with the “Do you love him?” Vintage Jack, straight to the point. Listen do you love this guy or not? Rose is FRAZZLED.

  HOW VERY RUDE!

HOW VERY RUDE!

Damn Jack is laying on the bad boy charm right now. We can already see the chemistry between these two. Can't help but root for them to get together, despite the stark differences in wealth and social stature. (They do match up in hotness though. Gotta match up somewhere otherwise people start asking questions.)

0:49:50
Jack unveils his book of breathtaking sketches. Even this mean wench in the midst of a quarter-life crisis has to admit Jack's got talent. “Jack this is exquisite work!” Folks that's not just a polite comment from some novice. Rose knows art.

0:53:45
Big shocker, Rose starts to get jealous of Jack’s wandering life of artistry. She wants to live some real-life stuff. Get her fingernails dirty once in a while. Maybe ride a horse with one leg on each side for Christ's sake! Can Rose live?

Hey what is this spitting scene? I'm no filmmaker but I gotta think we could have cut this scene, maybe get the movie down under three hours.

0:56:15
Starting to get a real glimpse into the thought processes of these aristocratic elites. Rose's mom can barely look at Jack he's so disheveled. Hey lady maybe take off your stupid hat for one second and show some appreciation for the man who saved your daughter's life! Lordy.

Jack's got dinner with the big wigs that night, but he's got nothing to wear. Can't show up to the country club looking like an extra in Newsies. Luckily one of the down-to-earth rich ladies (aka Mrs. New Money) wants to help Jack look the part.

  Real Housewives of the Botanical Garden.

Real Housewives of the Botanical Garden.

  More sweet Titanic action.

More sweet Titanic action.

0:56:45
Yo this ballroom dinner situation is PURE ELEGANCE.

Jack's trying to learn how to stand and walk and shit around these rich people. Gosh he's so adorable.

When Rose comes down the stairs, Jack kisses her hand and escorts her, having a good laugh at the whole being-out-of-place-among-rich-people thing. Jack you better watch out man, her fiancé seems like a guy who flies off the handle pretty easily. Potential WCW Ballroom Brawl '97 pay-per-view brewing.

  KATE WINSLET, OPULENCE, ELEGANCE.

KATE WINSLET, OPULENCE, ELEGANCE.

  How To Be A Player (1997)

How To Be A Player (1997)

0:59:15
Fiancé guy is stunned to learn it was Jack right there the whole time. “You could almost pass for a gentleman!” Give me one good reason why Jack shouldn't throw hands right now. "Fisticuffs," as they say in the 1910's.

0:59:30
Rose gives Jack the gossipy dirt on all the famous people on board. We're finding out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

  Thinking about printing an all-over t-shirt with different screenshots of Rose staring off into space during these fancy dinners.

Thinking about printing an all-over t-shirt with different screenshots of Rose staring off into space during these fancy dinners.

1:04:30
It's about that time: the boys are ready for brandy and a smoke. Being rich seems extremely dope. But wait — Jack doesn’t join them! “Nothing but business and politics anyway, wouldn’t interest you.” Hey fiancé guy, Jack's poor, he's not brain dead. Also he's about to steal your girl.

Jack slips Rose a little note when he kisses her hand because he's mastered the art of seduction, but in a respectful way. “Make it count, meet me at the clock.” King of romance.

1:05:30
“So you wanna go to a real party?” Hell yeah Jack. Love this movie. 

You might think the lavish dining set with fresh caviar is the way to party, but you would be mistaken. The peasants are down in the basement with all sorts of fiddles and dancing and Guinness pints and shit. That's living.

1:09:30
Party still jumpin'. Rose standing on the very tips of her toes to impress the beer drinkers. Just a little ballet for you unwashed masses.

  Tore up from the floor up.

Tore up from the floor up.

  Young Rose aka The Female Juicy J.

Young Rose aka The Female Juicy J.

1:10:30
Rose had a hell of a night, and her fiancé isn’t really feeling it. He heard about the party from his boy Mr. Lovejoy aka Old Lord Varys hatin' ass. “You will never behave like that again, Rose! Do you understand?”

Damn the fiancé flips the table and starts yelling. Dude is mad!

  Imagine waking up furious with your loved one but still having to tie an ascot and adjust your suspenders just so before heading to breakfast.

Imagine waking up furious with your loved one but still having to tie an ascot and adjust your suspenders just so before heading to breakfast.

1:12:00
Rose’s mom forbids her from seeing “that boy” again. “Our situation is precarious. You know the money’s gone. Your father left us nothing but a legacy of bad debts hidden by a good name.” THE TRUTH COMES OUT, FOLKS. Not everything is as it seems! Rose has to marry that guy (I'll learn his name eventually) to ensure the “survival” of the family, aka get this paper. 

“Do you want to see me working as a seamstress?" I don't know lady maybe earn a living for once in your life?

1:15:00
Jack trying to get into some church service, but they won't let him in because he probably smells like rats. Not sure how he knew Rose was at the service but that's neither here nor there. Also just wait until it's over maybe? You're on a boat, she's not going anywhere.

Ole Lovejoy comes out to do his thing and be super uncompassionate and offer Jack some cash to get lost. Folks I did a little research, $20 in 1912 is almost $500 in 2016 dollars wow. Fuckin’ Obama.

1:17:15
Rose walking up on the deck or whatever with Mr. Andrews and the boys. Mr. Anderws reveals he wanted to include enough lifeboats for everyone on board, but somebody said it would look too cluttered so they got rid of like half of them. At the very least this seems like an unwise and incriminating statement which could come back to haunt him in any future lawsuits. Maybe sit the next couple plays out, Mr. Andrews.

1:17:30
Wait are Jack and Rose in love already? After a night that basically amounted to a group date on The Bachelor? Irish jig dancing has that effect on people though — Rose was slugging beers and having fun and now they can't live without each other.

Oh Jack was about to go in for the first kiss but Rose dipped out. Keeps us wanting more. Love this movie.

  Rose is absolutely torn between an unfulfilling but secure life with Big & Rich and the passionate love she shares with the peasant boy she met 36 hours ago.

Rose is absolutely torn between an unfulfilling but secure life with Big & Rich and the passionate love she shares with the peasant boy she met 36 hours ago.

1:19:30
Here we go again with Rose down eating some bullshit with the other Proper Ladies. She sees a young girl fold her napkin perfectly, which triggers her third quarter-life crisis of the movie. 

  We give Rose her fair share of grief around here but you gotta admit sometimes she looks like a damn oil painting.

We give Rose her fair share of grief around here but you gotta admit sometimes she looks like a damn oil painting.

1:20:00
Rose bails on another dinner and runs to meet Jack.

Oh my god the music is starting. Ohhhhh my gooooooood. This is breathtaking.

This famous front-of-the-boat scene (again, I don't care about sailing jargon) is usually portrayed as cheesy but in my humble opinion this is an iconic moment not only in cinematic history but in my life right now. I’m learning so much about how to fall in love with women on boats from Jack.

Jack helps Rose step up onto the rail with her eyes closed. “Do you trust me?” She better, he saved her life. Wow what a scene. NOW THEY’RE KISSING! OH SHIT THIS IS INCREDIBLE! TRUE LOVE! THESE TWO BELONG TOGETHER!

  My new desktop background.

My new desktop background.

1:22:45
Wait why are we back on Present-Day Rose? This takes me right out of that amazing moment. James Cameron have you ever directed a movie before my man?

1:23:45
Jack and Rose are down in Rose's ridiculously lavish suite. Jack recognizes a painting by little-known artist named Monet because he's far more cultured than most people give him credit for. “Do you know his work?” Damn Rose keeps her ear to the streets of the art world. She's like that friend you had in 2001 who said hey have you hard of this Kayne West?

“Jack I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.” Never knew where that phrase came from, pretty sure I will use it frequently, 20 years after it was cool.

(FYI when Rose says French girls she means "tastefully nude." Just so we're clear.)

Damn she’s moving fast with this guy. Literally that afternoon she said nah we can’t ever see each other again. Now Rose brought him back to the crib and is about to take her clothes off while her fiancé is upstairs with the boys. Triflin'-ass Rose.

1:24:30
Welp, she’s naked. Folks,,

1:26:30
Rose kinda talking some mess to him while he sketches. These two have a cute rapport. Hope everything works out for them in the end.

Piano version of the Celine Dion song playing in the background. Love this song. Love this movie.

  And you thought kids these days moved fast!

And you thought kids these days moved fast!

  If I didn't know any better I'd say this guy is currently on a Bravo reality show.

If I didn't know any better I'd say this guy is currently on a Bravo reality show.

1:28:30
Special effects zoom in on Old Rose: “It was the most erotic moment of my life.” Well then.

CREEPY DUDE: So what happened next?
OLD ROSE, IN FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER: You mean, did we do it? Sorry to disappoint you, but Jack was very professional.

That should clear things up for those of you with your minds in the gutter. 

1:30:45
Uh oh, here comes that rat Lovejoy to make sure Rose isn't up to no good with the peasant boy. Get under the bed Jack this man is gonna toss you overboard! Side note this is the biggest suite ive seen, hotel or otherwise. The penthouse at the Burj Khalifa has worse accommodations.

Haha the kids escape the old man. Not sure what's the end game here, Lovejoy is still gonna tell fiancé man and he's gonna snatch that million-dollar diamond right off your neck, Rose.

1:33:15
Jack and Rose find their way into a storage room with a fancy car. Just horsing around, having fun, young love and all that.

  My mind's tellin' me nooo-ooo...

My mind's tellin' me nooo-ooo...

1:35:30
Wow these two are STEAMING UP THIS WHIP HOLY COW! Never seen love quite like this.

1:36:15
Uh oh the bad guys are coming for them. The young lovers are about to get caught with their pants down, one might say.

  Folks,,

Folks,,

1:36:30
Shit, bad fiancé man found Jack's sketch of ole topless Rose. He is not pleased! But deep down even he would admit Jack has what it takes to make a name for himself in the NYC sketch art scene. Undeniable talent.

1:37:00
Jack and Rose make it out of the storage room deal before they're caught by the bad guys chasing them. But man I gotta say, there are only so many people on this boat. Somebody’s gonna see you guys.

“When the ship docks, I’m getting off with you.” Wow she’s ready to go all in on the poor artist boy. This is real love, I buy it. These two are dripping with chemistry.

1:38:15
"ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!" We were so caught up in the love story that we forgot about the whole "ship finna sink" storyline.

I'm no sailing expert, but it's hard for me to envision a scenario where they avoid smashing into this small island:

  Lol.

Lol.

1:40:30
Welp, they blasted the iceberg. Time to panic.

1:42:10
There is indeed a lot of panic. The boat is sinking. One dude got caught in a flooding room. Poor guy, RIP.

1:44:45
Now people are kind of blasé about the whole thing. It’s worse than it seems, people.

  Just a coupla dummies who don't know how icebergs work.

Just a coupla dummies who don't know how icebergs work.

1:45:15
Hey Jack and Rose maybe don’t hold hands in front of people? Fiancé guy has some goons with him. That's a good way to get roughed up, 1920's-style.

OH CLASSIC LOVEJOY! Slimy old man drops the Big Baller Brand necklace in Jack's pocket. Vintage Lovejoy frame job. Even Rose doesn't believe Jack's story when the caper is revealed.

Hey also, the boat’s sinking. What are you guys doing?

1:47:15
Mr. Andrews, the boat designer, says the ship will be underwater in an hour. You can tell he's really starting to regret that decision on the lifeboats.

1:48:15
GASP! Cal slaps Rose! What a jerk!

  This is actually a looping gif of how long Rose held this pose.

This is actually a looping gif of how long Rose held this pose.

1:51:15
Mr. Andrews gives Rose the inside scoop on the impending disaster. Now Rose has a head start on finding Jack.

1:52:15
They chained Jack to a pole! What’s the long-term plan here? Are you guys planning to just leave him there for two weeks? Where does he go to the bathroom? Is there some sort of court system on the boat? This all seems very hasty, given the circumstances.

  I want to roast Lovejoy for thinking he's a Bond villain but if I had that futuristic ass gun in 1912 I'd be the cock of the walk too.

I want to roast Lovejoy for thinking he's a Bond villain but if I had that futuristic ass gun in 1912 I'd be the cock of the walk too.

1:53:30
Our boy the Captain is having a rough time with all this. One of the deckhand dudes says hey Cap what should we do old man? And Captain guy mumbles something about evacuating women and children first. Noble move on his part, but I imagine this will make a few fellas mad.

1:53:45
Here comes the famous band, trying to keep everyone cheery so there’s no panic. Should do the trick, nice work boys.

1:54:00
They got the third-class people locked behind a gate like animals. Nobody really knows how to get these lifeboats going. Tell you what, some of these people deserve to go under. Specifically Lovejoy. 

  Drive sober, or get pulled over.

Drive sober, or get pulled over.

1:56:15
I bet that jerk Cal (Rose's fiancé, finally learned his name) gets on before he’s supposed to. Coward ass. “Any room for a gentleman, gentlemen?” Knew it.

Rose's mom is also being a douche. “I hope they’re not too crowded.” Seems like these relationships are ripping at the seams during this high-stress moment.

ROSE: Half the people on this ship are going to die.
CAL: Not the better half.
ROSE ... You unimaginable bastard.

1:56:30
Big moment here. Rose says peace out scumbags and refuses to get into the boat. Her wench of a mother wants her to get in — not because she loves her daughter, but because she needs that straight caaaysh that comes with Rose marrying Cal. Despicable.

Some good one-liners flying around. “I’d rather be his whore than your wife.” Lol Cal you son of a bitch, you’ll never find true happiness in life! Do you, Rose. OH SHIT SHE SPIT RIGHT IN HIS FACE! I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT THAT SPITTING TUTORIAL EARLIER!

1:58:15
Jack's still cuffed up, and the water's creeping in. Rose is searching frantically. (I guess she forgave Jack for "stealing her necklace.") Tensions are rising. Like the waters. (Little metaphor for your ass.)

1:59:10
Oh shit the water’s coming into Jack’s room! This is getting serious, where are you Rose?

2:00:00
Water rushing in to the elevator. The operator is like fuck this I'm not going down there and Rose says no you idiot the love of my life is on that floor. Damn Rose is really ready to die for Jack down here.

  We got a situation.

We got a situation.

2:00:30
JACK HEARD HER! ROOOOOSE!

Y’all two better not kiss when you see each other. There's no time for the lovey-dovey, he's staring down death's door. Idk if that's a phrase but Jack is in trouble okay?

“Rose…how did you find out I didn’t do it?” “I didn’t. I just realized I already knew.” So that clears up the watch-stealing incident.

Of course they can’t find the key. Stop kissing each other the goddamn boat is sinking. Find the key you idiots.



2:03:00
Rose can’t find anyone to help. Not too many people trying to hang around and solve difficult problems while this boat is sinking. This crazy guy isn’t gonna help you, he’s trying to live to see the sun rise, Rose.

Break the pipe, break the cuffs, do something! Nobody's gonna help you. Okay now the lights are going out. This is getting bad, Rose.

2:03:45
DAMN ROSE! JACKED THAT GUY IN RIGHT THE KISSER! YOU A REAL ONE ROSE!

Now what are you about to do though? OKAY AXE LET'S GO.

  Rich girl with no real life experience swinging from steam pipes while holding an axe like a Navy SEAL.

Rich girl with no real life experience swinging from steam pipes while holding an axe like a Navy SEAL.

2:04:45
Oh fuck, is he even going to be above water when she gets there? Yo this is intense. GO ROSE GO! STOP WASTING TIME ROSE MY GOODNESS! Oh the water is so cold. At this point Jack’s gotta be dead, just turn around. You had a good go of it.

2:05:30
Axe time. 80% chance Jack's severed hands are on the floor after this.

Damn Rose you don’t need to swing all wild like that. Just take a little baby swing. Choke up on it Rose. Why does the axe need to be swung so violently? Completely unnecessary. Most illogical part of the movie so far.

2:07:45
Lmao Lovejoy tells Cal there’s a boat on the other side of the ship letting men on. Early men's rights group forming here. These two would be a nightmare on Twitter. 

2:08:30
The dude letting people off the boat isn’t filling them to capacity. Not sure why, what’s the incentive? Is he just a dumbass? Who am I to judge though, never been on a sinking ship.

  This is the demeanor of a man who is not bluffing with that pistol.

This is the demeanor of a man who is not bluffing with that pistol.

2:10:00
Jack and Rose are desperately looking for a way out of the bottom part of the boat. Maybe Rose shouldn't have discarded that axe so quickly? Seems like they could really use that right about now. 

Luckily Jack and the boys use a bench to blast through the gate. On some Incredible Hulk shit.

2:11:45
One of the guys letting people on boats is losing his composure, about to shoot everybody. Take a deep breath, my man. Stay calm. Actually nah just shoot people, who cares. 

2:13:00
Cal offers major dough to a guy who can get him on a boat. So far Cal has done nothing to redeem himself after hitting a woman and wishing death upon poor people. Excited to see how low he'll stoop.

2:13:45
Why is this band so chill? Do they realize they’re gonna die soon? Be more somber guys, this isn't Club Med.

2:14:00
Damn Cal just gave Mr. Murdoch like $10,000 in 1912 dollars (buncha twenties, I did the math).



2:14:45
Lovejoy tells Cal that Rose is with Jack. Cal weighs his options and declines to get on the boat without her. An uncharacteristically humane move by Cal, not sure I like it.

2:16:00
Jack and Rose are trying to figure out how to proceed when that ole snake Cal shows up. For some reason he's just letting them talk. Even offers to help Jack get on a different boat. Hm.

Turns out Cal lied about the accommodations. No surprise. "I always win, Jack ... one way or another.” I mean Jack had intimate relations with your fiancé like two hours ago so I'm not so sure about that.

Well there goes Rose. She’s never gonna see Jack again. Hey also why does Cal care so much? There's a lot of golddiggers out there that could suit his fancy. Take your pick dude. Also I’m about to cry.

 :'-(

:'-(

2:19:00
ROSE HOPS BACK ON THE BOAT! YEAH ROSE! THIS IS THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD! AMAZING!!! AMAZING!!!! BRAVOOOOO!!! OH MY GOD THE MUSIC! THE MUSIC! THE LIGHT SNARES!!

“Rose! You’re so stupid! Why’d you do that huh?! You’re so stupid, Rose!” “You jump, I jump right?” These two haven’t even said “I love you” yet but they are indeed the definition of the phrase.

  Seems like the guards weren't properly trained in crisis management before this thing set sail.

Seems like the guards weren't properly trained in crisis management before this thing set sail.

2:19:45
This just turned into a GoldenEye 64 multiplayer match and Jack doesn’t have a weapon. We got Cal in a tuxedo chasing around a mini-Jaws (because Jack's wearing suspenders). Lmao now Cal is screwed. He just realized the big-ass blue diamond is in the coat, and the coat is on Rose. "WE MUSN’T LOSE THE DIAMOND!"

2:22:00
Poor little kid screaming alone in the hallway. Hey kid move around you idiot. Though one time I stayed on an elevator in Kansas City City Hall after my mom left because I was also an idiot kid.

The kid's dad shows up just in time. And by "just in time" I mean right before water explodes through a nearby door and drowns them both. Fun scene.

2:23:30
Jack and Rose encounter a locked gate as the water continues to rise (typical in sinking ships). A dude with a key almost runs by, then spends more time thinking about whether or not he should open the gate than he does actually opening the gate. Welp he dropped the key. You kids are on your own. 

This is very intense! OPEN THE GATE JACK! Feel like he could put it head underwater and open his eyes for a better view here. Though I'm not one to talk, I refuse to do that in just about any body of water.

Phew, got it. They live to die another way.

2:26:30
Cal sees a crying kid with no parents. This heartless bastard! He left him! COME ON, CAL! Hope this guy dies soon.

2:27:00
The guard with whom Cal negotiated a deal now has a gun ... and cancels the deal. Bahaha he tosses the cash right in Cal's dumb face. Money has no value anymore you idiot, everybody's gonna die.

  The  Titanic  version of Pac Man Jones gets a taste of his own medicine.

The Titanic version of Pac Man Jones gets a taste of his own medicine.

Oh wow then the guard shoots two guys who try to get on the lifeboats. That escalated quickly. LOL THEN HE SHOOTS HIMSELF. Hey I would too. Fuck drowning.

2:27:45
Cal goes to snag the crying child to use as a prop so he can get on a boat. Cal might be a slimy slithering bag of scum, but his level of selfishness is almost impressive. Always one step ahead.

2:29:45
The Captain has had enough of all you screaming people. Doesn't care if you're a mother worried about what to do with your child, he's ignoring your ass and going into the captain's room to chill until this whole thing is over/he's dead.

2:30:15
Sup band? One violinist stays back to play another tune. Then the other two join him again after they said goodbye. The band went down with the ship. Good on them I guess. They seemed to make a pretty quick decision to play music while everyone dies instead of trying to save themselves or others. Stay true to your craft, I guess.

2:31:00
Come on man you don’t need to show us this cute old couple about to die. Now I’m for real crying.

  When your grandpa accidentally walks into a Young Thug concert. 

When your grandpa accidentally walks into a Young Thug concert. 

2:33:00
Tell you what, everyone who is still on the boat is dumb for not jumping a half hour ago. The boat's about to tip over and that current is gonna suck you right in. RIP.

2:36:15
Lot of chaos right now. Cal doing a bunch of stuff to save himself and no one else lol. Vintage Cal.

The boat is sinking.

2:38:15
Oh man, Jack and Rose are up near the front tip of the boat as it raises higher in the air. “Jack, this is where we first met.” Even though that was like two days ago, it's still very romantic.

  Lady In The Water (2006)

Lady In The Water (2006)

2:40:00
Damn these people are jumping from way high up holy shit. Kinda validates my point that they should have bailed an hour ago, but that's neither here nor there.

2:41:30
Uh-oh, she's splitting in two (ships are female FYI). A bunch people are on the wrong side of things and probably should have taken a physics class before jumping off behind the boat. Ship fell right on them and smacked their asses dead. RIP.

2:42:45
Dang folks we have complete verticality (old nautical term for when a ship is pointing to the sky, try to keep up). The weak-gripped people start dropping like flies, hitting other parts of the ship on the way down, getting super hurt and/or dying. Suddenly we got a war movie on our hands.

The ship is picking up the pace now. Won't be long for most of these folks.

2:43:45
Jack is apparently the only smart person left alive: “The ship is going to suck us down. Take a deep breath when I say. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Do not let go of my hand.”

2:45:45
The ship goes under, the kids go under, and Rose floats back to the top because she has a life jacket. Jack is nowhere to be found. Oh there he is. Some asshole is pushing Rose down to keep himself up. Jack punches him out lol. It's kill or be killed out here, folks. No apologies.

2:46:45
Reunited, Jack and Rose swim to a floating headboard. Jack tries to get on but it flips over.

The common criticism here is that there was enough room for Jack on the headboard. Folks if Jack got on that piece of wood it would probably go down instantly. And if not then it would soak up more water and become useless soon enough. Plus they're both about to freeze to death anyway. 

And that was Talkin' Physics.

2:47:30
The other survivors near Jack and Rose are calling for the boats to come back and pick up more people. New Money Lady on the rich people boat wants to go back, but no one else does. Not even Rose’s mother that heartless wench!

2:29:15
Lot of people freezing to death out here. Jack keeping his sense of humor though, that's good to see. “I don’t know about you but I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this.” Charming guy, I hope they get out of this pickle and start a life together. 

2:50:00
Oh my god it's the biggest moment of the movie. Finally Rose says, “I love you, Jack.”

JACK: Don’t you do that. Don’t you say your goodbyes. Not yet. Do you understand me?
ROSE: I’m so cold. 
JACK: You must promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens. No matter how hopeless. Promise me. Now, Rose. And never let go of that promise.
ROSE: I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.

A triumph in cinematic dialogue. What a couple. What a moment. What a film.

2:52:30
Okay look at all these dead people holy shit. Frozen as heck. Damn even babies come on guys. Shout out to this one boat guy who cared enough to go back. Didn't save anybody, but still. Good on you man.

2:53:45
Rose is laying on the headboard, singing. Girl your hair is all frozen and Jack is in the fucking water, you better stay on your toes here or he’s gonna be dead soon. Okay he’s dead. You could have traded places at some point. Oh no the piano version of the Celine song just hit. And they’re about to miss the boat. Rose can barely get her voice loud enough for them to hear her. Oh no.

2:56:30
Rose lets Jack sink. Man that’s sad. She swims to the guy with the whistle though, good for her. Tough bird, that Rose. True G. Had to keep her promise to Jack. Has to survive. Maybe the greatest story ever told?

  RIP.

RIP.

2:58:00
Old ass Rose’s eyes open. Did she make it all up? You tell me.

“There were 20 boats floating nearby, and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six. Out of 1500. Afterward, the 700 people in the boats, had nothing to do but wait. Wait to die, wait to live. Wait for an absolution that would never come.”

Feel kinda bad for what I said about Old Rose the actress. She's really pulling her weight here.

3:00:00
Some folks hop on another boat, the Carpathia. Oh shit Cal is on here and so is Rose. Hide, Rose! Fuck this guy! 

  Find another woman's life to ruin, CAL. Rose ain't having it.

Find another woman's life to ruin, CAL. Rose ain't having it.

"That was the last time I ever saw him. He married of course, and inherited his millions. But the crash of ’29 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year. Or so I read.”

You get the feeling Old Rose would dance on Cal's grave if she could. Yas queen, or whatever the kids say.

3:01:15
Oh shit Rose tells the guy when they get to New York that her last name is Dawson, Jack's last name. Kept her undercover. There was no record of Jack on the boat, because he won the ticket. Old Rose's story checks out. I wonder how that one dude who shat all over my hometown feels now?

Tell you what this movie should have been longer. Needed to build up the love story a little more. Seemed rushed.

3:02:45
Back to Bill Paxton. Never found that diamond I guess. Where was the diamond? Idk that escapes me at the moment. Kinda forgot about the diamond.

  Don't worry, Rose isn't about to jump. She didn't last time smh.

Don't worry, Rose isn't about to jump. She didn't last time smh.

3:04:15
Old Rose had the diamond the whole goddamn time what the heck lady? Why did you even keep it, it’s not like it was from Jack. You could have sold it and lived a comfortable life. Don’t you see all these people expending time and energy trying to find that diamond and you’re out here with the goddamn thing in your pocket? USE YOUR HEAD ONE TIME FOR ME, OLD ROSE!

  THIEF! STOP HER AT ONCE!

THIEF! STOP HER AT ONCE!

3:05:15
Whoa they’re zooming into the shipwrecked Titanic and shifting it back to the original look of it, damn in 1997 this had to be blowing people’s fucking MINDS.

Music once again giving me life.

3:06:45
Damn, Old Rose thinking about what could have been. Walking into Titanic with a beautiful dress on and meeting Jack by the clock and everyone around clapping. Holy Christ what an ending. I'm choked up. What a film! WHAT A TRIUMPH!

  Gonna make every guest at my wedding dress in period clothing so we can recreate this moment.

Gonna make every guest at my wedding dress in period clothing so we can recreate this moment.

Your boy really wanted to come in here and roast this movie, make some incredulous comments, maybe disrespect its creators in a manner unbecoming of a grown adult. But no. This movie is irresistible. Incredible story, incredible acting, incredible recreation of the original boat. It's breathtaking. A magnificent film. Just needed to be about twenty minutes longer. Other than that, A+.