The Chicago Cubs Are Going To Steamroll The Cleveland I-Words

Rarely do I find my opinions aligned with those of the pirate-obsessed Washington State head football coach Mike Leach. But this week, the man who once sent a player to a shed because he thought the player was faking a concussion summed up the general public's view on Cubs fans better than I ever could.

Why a reporter felt the need to ask Mike Leach about the World Series is beyond me, but damned if he didn't knock that answer out of the park, folks.

Leach is right: There are too many Cubs fans, and many of them drive nice cars. Also, they enjoy talking about the Cubs with other people, I guess?

In any event, the Cubbies — my Cubbies — are primed to steamroll the I-words from Cleveland. This prediction is not based on some Number 23 numerology shit ("Creator of Cubs 'curse' died on Oct. 22, Cubs win pennant Oct. 22" — oh my gaww you guys), but rather the simple fact that the Infant Bears are a superior team.

Plus, Chicago happens to have a fresh designated hitter here for two reasons: to chew bubble gum and mash home runs. And he's all out of bubble gum.

 Getty Images

Getty Images

(Hopefully Kyle Schwarber's dramatic return is accompanied by the appropriate walk-up music.)

When the Cubs win, it will be exciting, people will cry, cars will burn in the streets, and old ladies will chug Jagermeister because what else is left for us on this Earth anyway?

There is no comparison in American pro sports, but it won't be "unbelievable." The 108-year drought has lived long enough to see itself become the villain. Gone are the lovable losers, replaced by a juggernaut roster shaped by game-changing trades, homegrown stars, major free agent signees. The mom and pop shop we once knew has shuttered its doors. Big Baseball is here, lording over your dive bars until it's time to flip those bad boys into luxury condominiums.

Enjoy these last few days of innocence, Cubs fans. A dynasty will be born this weekend. The labor will be induced.

Cubs in 4. |ES|


Header image: USA TODAY Sports