"THE BOYS ARE GOING TO SIN CITY" | 'BALLERS' S3 E1 RECAP

THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS THE EMMY-NOMINATED BALLERS IS BACK, ONLY ON HBO. IF YOU’RE NEW TO THE HIT SERIES, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON FROM WRESTLING AND THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS MOVIES IS A RETIRED FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO WENT BROKE AND NOW MANAGES CURRENT FOOTBALL PLAYERS’ FINANCES AND ALTERNATES BETWEEN NOT WEARING A SHIRT AND WEARING CUSTOM THREE-PIECE SUITS. THE GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW IS HIS PARTNER AND SOME OTHER GUYS ARE IN IT TOO. LOT OF MONEY INVOLVED HERE SO TRY TO KEEP UP.

BUT FIRST THE BEST INTRO IN THE SPORTSY ENTOURAGE GENRE, COURTESY OF LITTLE WAYNE AND DRAKE (RAPPERS):

 

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN

 THE BOYS ARE PLAYING TOUGH OUT THERE, YOU CAN TELL BY THE NATURAL SWEAT PATTERNS.

THE BOYS ARE PLAYING TOUGH OUT THERE, YOU CAN TELL BY THE NATURAL SWEAT PATTERNS.

RARE SITUATION HERE AS ALL THE MAIN BALLERS ARE IN THE SAME PLACE. RICKY JERRETT’S GOT A NEW PAD (“HOUSE” FOR YOU NON-BALLERS) AND THE BOYS ARE SHOOTING HOOPS. THE PLACE HAS EVERYTHING: A BASKETBALL COURT, A KITCHEN, SOME OTHER ROOMS. BUT DOES IT NEED A NURSERY? SOUNDS LIKE RICKY MIGHT BE A FATHER SOON, WHICH COULD WREAK HAVOC ON HIS BALLER LIFESTYLE.

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, SPENCER (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) STILL OWES RICKY $5 MILLION FOR THE LOAN RICKY GAVE HIM TO BECOME A PARTNER IN ANDERSON FINANCIAL. ALSO SPENCER MIGHT BE STERILE BECAUSE HE LIVES A BALLER LIFESTYLE YET HASN’T SIRED ANY OFFSPRING. KIND OF EMBARRASSING TO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN OUT OF WEDLOCK.

ARE THE BOYS EXPANDING INTO HOOPS?

 WHEN YOU REALLY NEED A BUNCH OF MONEY AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET IT.

WHEN YOU REALLY NEED A BUNCH OF MONEY AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET IT.

JOE (DAILY SHOW GUY) AND SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO PAY BACK RICKY'S MILLIONS IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. WHADDYA KNOW STEPH CURRY (FROM BASKETBALL) CALLS. THEY CAN MAKE MONEY OFF HIM. ARE THE BOYS ARE EXPANDING INTO HOOPS?

“HE’D BE THE PERFECT GUY TO BUILD OUR HOOPS BUSINESS AROUND.”

THERE YOU HAVE IT, THE BOYS ARE EXPANDING INTO HOOPS.

 "THE TRUTH IS SPENCE OUR DAUGHTER IS SO ANNOYING AND WE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM HER."

"THE TRUTH IS SPENCE OUR DAUGHTER IS SO ANNOYING AND WE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM HER."

ARE THE BOYS EXPANDING INTO CASINOS?

SPENCE (MAUI FROM MOANA) AGREES TO MEET STEPH CURRY AND HIS WIFE AYESHA FOR DINNER THAT NIGHT, BUT HE NEEDS THE BIG GUNS TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH THE SPORTS STAR. SO HE BURSTS INTO MR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE TO SAY HEY WE GOT A BIG FISH ON THE LINE HERE, HELP ME PULL THIS BABY IN SO WE CAN MAKE MONEY AND I CAN ESCAPE THE DAILY TERROR THAT COMES WITH CRUSHING AMOUNTS OF DEBT.

MR. ANDERSON SAYS THAT’S GREAT SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) BUT I ONLY CARE ABOUT CASINOS NOW, I’M GOING TO MEET WITH A CASINO GUY INSTEAD (MR. HASTINGS). ALSO STEPH CURRY IS ON HGH BECAUSE HE CAN SUDDENLY GROW THICK BEARDS NOW. (HE DIDN’T SAY THAT, JUST A LITTLE AUTHOR’S NOTE IF YOU WILL.)

AS THEY OFTEN DO, THE GENTLEMEN COME TO AN AGREEMENT: MR. ANDERSON WILL HELP CLOSE STEPH CURRY IF SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) HELPS CLOSE MR. HASTINGS THE CASINO GUY. IT'S BIG BUSINESS, TRY TO KEEP UP.

 "WE'RE LOOKING FOR T.G.I. FRIDAY'S MIXED WITH  AMERICAN PICKERS , BUT WITH A MODERN TWIST." - ANDERSON'S OFFICE MANAGER TO THE INTERIOR DESIGNER

"WE'RE LOOKING FOR T.G.I. FRIDAY'S MIXED WITH AMERICAN PICKERS, BUT WITH A MODERN TWIST." - ANDERSON'S OFFICE MANAGER TO THE INTERIOR DESIGNER

ANOTHER TOUGH SEASON FOR THE DOLPHINS

THE THING ABOUT BALLERS IS IT NEVER TAKES PLACE DURING ACTUAL FOOTBALL SEASON. THE FIRST EPISODE OF EVERY SEASON IS LIKE WELP THE DOLPHINS HAD ANOTHER TOUGH YEAR, GOTTA DO BETTER OR WE'RE ALL FIRED.

CHARLES GREANE, WHO HAS GONE FROM BORED RETIRED PLAYER TO CAR SALESMAN TO DOLPHINS ASSISTANT COACH TO ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER, CONFRONTS THIS REALITY WHEN HE SEES ONE OF HIS FELLOW COACHES WALKING OUT OF THE FACILITY WITH HIS STUFF IN A CARDBOARD BOX. FOLKS IS CHARLES ON THE HOT SEAT? NO, SAYS THE OTHER GUY, BECAUSE THE GM REALLY LIKES HIM. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. EXCEPT MAYBE WEAR AN UNDERSHIRT?

 (NSFW)

(NSFW)

FOR WHAT DOES IT PROFIT A MAN TO GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT LOSE HIS SOUL? (ABOUT $200K)

VERNON LITTLEFIELD (ALSO A BALLER) RECEIVES SOME MARIJUANA-THEMED CLOTHING AS PART OF A $200,000 ENDORSEMENT DEAL. VERNON SAYS HEY MAYBE THIS ISN’T A GOOD IDEA, WE SHOULD ASK SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING). HIS BOY REGGIE IS LIKE COME ON MAN YOU GOTTA MAKE MONEY TO GET MONEY. VERNON IS TORN BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MAKE MONEY BUT IS UNEASY ABOUT PROMOTING THE USE OF SCHEDULE I CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES AMONG YOUTHS.

FELLAS MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY OFF THE WEEEEEEEEED-UH.

DETECTIVE RICKY ON THE CASE

RICKY JERRETT PARKS HIS FERRARI LIKE A BALLER IN FRONT OF HIS GIRL'S HOUSE, WHICH IS TO SAY HE DIDN'T ADJUST THE BACK WHEELS SO THEY'RE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE CURB AND NOW HIS REAR FENDER IS STICKING OUT INTO TRAFFIC WHICH IS A VERY HIGH RISK TO TAKE IN EXCHANGE FOR THE MINOR CONVENIENCE OF LEAVING YOUR VEHICLE 30 SECONDS EARLIER. IF YOU AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT A BALLER.

RICKY SAYS HEY AMBER ARE YOU PREGNANT OR NOT BECAUSE IF YOU ARE THAT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT. AMBER DOES NOT TAKE TOO KINDLY TO THIS. "YOU ONLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOURSELF!" TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH.

 RICKY TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHY HE CUT THE SLEEVES OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD FLANNEL SHIRT.

RICKY TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHY HE CUT THE SLEEVES OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD FLANNEL SHIRT.

TURNS OUT AMBER IS NOT PREGNANT, AND RICKY IS RELIEVED. AMBER IS ALSO RELIEVED BECAUSE RICKY WOULD BE A TERRIBLE FATHER. AMBER TRIES TO SLAM THE DOOR IN RICKY'S FACE SO SHE NEVER HAS TO SEE HIM AGAIN, BUT RICKY SAYS HEY I WOULD CARE IF YOU WERE HAVING MY CHILD. AMBER FORGIVES RICKY AND THEY MAKE OUT.

WHO WILL CARRY ON THE BALLER STRASMORE LEGACY? (PROBABLY NOT A CHILD)

 FERTILITY IS NOT THE MOST BALLER TOPIC BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GET SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE.

FERTILITY IS NOT THE MOST BALLER TOPIC BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GET SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE.

AFTER CONTINUING HIS TIME-HONORED TRADITION OF LYING TO HIS DOCTORS ABOUT HIS PAIN, SPENCE INQUIRES ABOUT MALE FERTILITY. YEAH HE'S 40-SOMETHING YEARS OLD BUT MAYBE DOWN THE LINE HE WANTS TO HAVE SOME KIDS OKAY. THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING IS A SKILLED ACTOR DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

A JOE KRUTEL SCENE

JOE KRUTEL IS AT A RESTAURANT TRYING TO CONVINCE TERRELL SUGGS TO SELL ONE OF HIS THREE HOMES SO HE HAS MORE MONEY FOR THE LONG TERM. SUGGSY ISN'T INTERESTED. AAAND SCENE.

DON'T FORGET, THE DOLPHINS HAD A TOUGH SEASON

 TFW YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN SCENES WITH ONE OTHER ACTOR FOR THE LAST 11 EPISODES SO YOU GUYS DEVELOP UNDENIABLE CHEMISTRY BUT ALSO YOU'RE SICK OF LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER.

TFW YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN SCENES WITH ONE OTHER ACTOR FOR THE LAST 11 EPISODES SO YOU GUYS DEVELOP UNDENIABLE CHEMISTRY BUT ALSO YOU'RE SICK OF LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER.

MILDLY CONCERNED ABOUT HIS JOB STATUS, CHARLES GREANE GOES TO SEIFERT'S OFFICE TO VOICE HIS CONCERNS. "THERE'S NOTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW," SEIFERT SAYS, BUT CHARLES' NIPPLES STILL APPEAR TO BE AN ISSUE. SEIFERT TELLS CHARLES TO HANDLE THE TEAM'S PRESS CONFERENCE THAT AFTERNOON. FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SITUATION FOR THE MILD-MANNERED TEDDY BEAR CHARLES GREANE.

STEPH CURRY IS AN UNRELIABLE FLAKE

 "TELL YOU WHAT I AM STEAMIN' MAD RIGHT NOW! DANGIT!" - THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING

"TELL YOU WHAT I AM STEAMIN' MAD RIGHT NOW! DANGIT!" - THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING

SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) IS ON HIS WAY TO GET A MALE FERTILITY TEST WHEN HE PUNCHES A HOLE IN THE WALL BECAUSE STEPH CURRY CAN’T MAKE IT TO DINNER THAT NIGHT. STEPH CURRY THE BALLERS CHARACTER IS PORTRAYED AS A MAJOR FLAKE, WHICH REFLECTS POORLY ON STEPH CURRY THE HUMAN BEING AND FOREVER CHANGES MY OPINION OF HIM.

MR. ANDERSON CALLS SPENCE (THE SCORPION KING) AND PROMISES TO PAY OFF HIS DEBTS IF SPENCE HELPS LAND MR. HASTINGS THE CASINO MAN. OVERWHELMED BY THE RUDE GENEROSITY OF HIS PARTNER, SPENCE BAILS ON THE FERTILITY PLACE TO RECRUIT A BIG STAR TO HELP CLOSE THE HASTINGS DEAL. WILL WE EVER FIND OUT IF SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) IS STERILE? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BALLERS, ONLY ON HBO.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

 "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP, KID? A FRICKIN' DRUG DEALER OR WHAT HUH?!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP, KID? A FRICKIN' DRUG DEALER OR WHAT HUH?!"

AT AN AUTOGRAPH SIGNING, SOME FOUL-MOUTHED KIDS COMPLIMENT VERNON ON HIS POT SWEATSHIRT. THE LADY AT THE STORE SAYS WE DON'T SELL THOSE BECAUSE THEY'RE POT SWEATSHIRTS AND THIS IS AN UPSTANDING BUSINESS. WHILE THE KIDS ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME TO SKIP SCHOOL AND FANTASIZE ABOUT SMOKING DRUGS, VERNON SAYS HERE KID HAVE MY REEFER HOODIE LIKE HE'S MEAN JOE GREENE OR SOMETHING. VERNON'S BRAND IS REALLY TAKING A HIT THIS EPISODE. 

CAN SPENCE CLOSE THE BIG DEAL?

 WHEN YOU FIND OUT THE BANK MISPLACED YOUR PAPERWORK AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS.

WHEN YOU FIND OUT THE BANK MISPLACED YOUR PAPERWORK AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS.

WHILE SPENCE (THE MAIN GUY FROM GRIDIRON GANG) IS TRYING TO WRANGLE A STAR ATHLETE TO HELP CLOSE THE BIG CASINO DEAL, JOE KRUTEL REMINDS HIM HEY MAN YOU'RE A STAR ATHLETE, REMEMBER? SPENCE IS LIKE YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT, I'LL CLOSE THE DEAL. PLUS OUR $5 MILLION DEBT IS ON THE LINE SO I REALLY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS EARLIER. JOE KRUTEL IS LIKE WAIT HE'S GOING TO PAY OFF OUR UNFATHOMABLY BURDENSOME DEBT?

YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHARLES

CHARLES GREANE IS WILDLY UNPREPARED TO HOLD THE TEAM PRESS CONFERENCE, SO HEAD COACH LARRY CSONKA STEPS IN TO GIVE A QUICK STATEMENT. WE DID NOT KNOW LARRY CSONKA WAS THE HEAD COACH.

RICKY'S PHILANDERING DAYS OF BALLING ARE DRAWING TO A CLOSE

 WHEN SHE LIES TO YOU ABOUT CARRYING YOUR UNBORN CHILD.

WHEN SHE LIES TO YOU ABOUT CARRYING YOUR UNBORN CHILD.

AFTER AN INTIMATE MOMENT, AMBER TELLS RICKY HE WOULD BE AN AMAZING FATHER. THIS IS IN STARK CONTRAST TO AN HOUR EARLIER WHEN SHE BASICALLY WANTED HIM DEAD. RICKY CONCOCTS SOME LIE ABOUT HOPING THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN WOULD BE JUST LIKE AMBER. ALSO AMBER LIED WHEN SHE SAID SHE WASN'T PREGNANT SO RICKY WILL SOON BE A FATHER LOL GOTCHA.

FANCY DINNER PARTY WITH THE CASINO GUY

 THIS IS THE LOOK A CASINO GUY GIVES YOU WHEN YOU OBJECT TO HIM STEALING YOUR FIANCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. CASINO GUYS OOZE CONFIDENCE.

THIS IS THE LOOK A CASINO GUY GIVES YOU WHEN YOU OBJECT TO HIM STEALING YOUR FIANCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. CASINO GUYS OOZE CONFIDENCE.

MR. HASTINGS THE CASINO GUY (THE COP IN THE BIG GREEN) IS DISAPPOINTED THE BOYS COULDN'T BRING IN STEPH CURRY EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE EXPANDING INTO HOOPS. "I HEAR STEPH CURRY WON'T BE JOINING US, THAT'S TOO BAD I'M A BIG HOOPS FAN." LOT OF HOOPS FANS THIS SEASON, STAY TUNED.

AT THE FANCY DINNER TABLE, MR. HASTINGS (SOME MIGHT CALL HIM A CASINO MAGNATE) MAKES EVERYONE STAND UP AND SAY WHAT THEY'RE THANKFUL FOR BECAUSE THIS IS HIS PENTHOUSE GODDAMNIT AND IF HE SAYS DANCE, YOU DANCE.

SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) TELLS A LITTLE SOB STORY ABOUT HIS ROUGH UPBRINGING AND SHOWS APPRECIATION FOR THE OPPORTUNITY MR. ANDERSON HAS GIVEN HIM. (IN WRESTLING TERMS THIS IS KNOWN AS "PUTTING SOMEONE OVER".) MR. HASTINGS EATS IT UP. APPARENTLY HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE STEVE WYNN BUT WITH EMPATHY.

ON THE BALLER-ASS BALCONY, SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) AND MR. HASTINGS (THE GUY WHO DESIGNED JOHNNY 5 IN SHORT CIRCUIT) TALK BIG BUSINESS. MR. HASTINGS SAYS I AM AN UNPARALLELED BALLER IN MY OWN RIGHT AND I DON'T NEED THAT LOSER MR. ANDERSON OR EVEN YOU, WHOM I RESPECT, TO BALL ON AN EVEN MORE ECCENTRIC LEVEL. SPENCE (THE ROCK FROM WRESTLING) SAYS WELL DO YOU WANT TO MOVE AN NFL TEAM TO LAS VEGAS? MR. HASTINGS IS BLOWN AWAY, AS IF THIS IS A NEW CONCEPT INVENTED BY SPENCE JUST NOW.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SPENCE DOES NOT HAVE THE MEANS TO EVEN ASSIST IN EXPANDING THE NUMBER OF FRANCHISES IN THE NFL, BUT FOLKS YOU'LL HAVE TO TUNE INTO BALLERS EVERY SUNDAY ONLY ON HBO TO FIND OUT HOW HE PULLS IT OFF.

 COUPLA BALLERS MAKING BIG BUSINESS DEALS HEH HEH HEH

COUPLA BALLERS MAKING BIG BUSINESS DEALS HEH HEH HEH

ALL IMAGES COURTESY OF HBO FOLKS