The Big Dogs Lifestyle Is Calling My Name

It's no secret 'round here that yours truly has cultivated some mass over the last few years. For a while I convinced myself I was hiding it pretty well, but now that my face is wider than it is tall, it may be time to just give in and accept my status as a fat guy.

But none of my (formerly) favorite brands cater to big boys like me. Slim Fit, Modern Fit, Intern Fit — whatever happened to Slob Fit, am I right fellas??? 

Thankfully, the everyman brand Big Dogs offers at least 761 comfy tees exclusively for heavyset riders of the Straight Talk Express. And they're affordable, so I can give up on that summer bod and just rotate these 13 gems daily until football season.

If You Can't Hit With The BIG DOGS Stay Off The Field!
Co-recreational adult slow-pitch softball is serious business. Lot of hot tempers and big egos out there on the diamond. Mix in a few Coors Lights with the Sunday Scaries and you've got a recipe for intense competition. The best way to weed out the faint-of-heart is to wear a shirt emblazoned with a clear threat: If you're more Ichiro than Big Mac, then head back to the parking lot before you get what's coming to you: physical intimidation, courtesy of a Big Dog.

Shutting The #$@% Up Is Gluten Free, Add THAT To Your Diet!
Finally, a brand willing to stand up to those loud-mouthed gluten-free bullies. The Big Dogs lifestyle does not require us to listen to you describe the daily struggles in your fight to overcome coeliac disease in your small intestine. Shut the #$@% up while I eat these chips! (The symbols represent the curse word "fuck".)

What Happens In The Garage ... STAYS In The Garage!
Sure, it is a little odd to claim garage activities are top-secret and then depict exactly what happens in a garage with a colorful illustration. But Big Dogs rarely adhere to social norms, and also I just love that olive brown.

The Bin Laden Cocktail: Two Shots ... And A Splash!
This is a good one because it takes the details of a notorious terrorist mastermind's death that were relevant for one news cycle and memorializes them in a fun way. It's less of t-shirt and more of a conversation piece when you really think about it.

CSI! Can't Stand Idiots!
Raise your hand if your intolerance for dummies is matched only by your enthusiasm for CBS crime dramas. Wow, everyone? 

Garth Barks
If you're a single, non-dog-owning Big Dog looking to find love at a Luke Bryan concert, this $13 tee is guaranteed to grab the attention of your future partner. She knows 1992 was a seminal year for the genre.

I'd Do Anything To Lose Weight, Except Eat Healthy & Workout!
Quintessential Big Dogs lifestyle right here. Yeah, we have dreams and ambitions. But snacks! And recliners! Haha we're heavyset.

No Hablo Stupid!
This is a great shirt for when you injure yourself getting up from the recliner and can't do any yard work but you want the day laborers to know you mean business. 

I Don't Need Google, My Wife Knows Everything!
Read between the lines here, folks. Big Dogs aren't afraid to stand up to greedy corporations. We'll just copy and paste your logo right into our own thing then dare you to fight us. Also: Women, am I right??

[ ] Democrat [ ] Republican [X] PISSED OFF!
One hallmark of the Big Dogs ideology is offering your strong opinion on something without following up with constructive criticism or solution-oriented proposals, i.e. "Things are This Way and I DON'T like it!!!" /returns focus to bag of chips and remote.

When Did 'For The People By The People' Become Screw The People?!
Another popular stance ("Politicians are Bad!") kicked up a notch with some Big Dogs attitude. Can't go wrong with this tee.

I Love It When My Wife Lets Me Watch Football
Haha see this is a good shirt because from far away it looks like you just want people to know you love the person with whom you entered the sacred institution of marriage. But upon closer inspection you can see there's an important qualifier the shirt-wearer wants to stealthily make public. Classic marriage humor lol pass the chips.

The IRS - THEIR$! Coincidence?
Be the wokest Big Dog on the block with this exclusive four-word conspiracy theory. Little tip for when you're one some deep state subreddits: When someone says "Coincidence?" they're usually implying it's not a coincidence. |ES|


Timbig dogs t-shirts