Rim and Seyf: Southern P.I.'s

The most valuable text in the world is not the Magna Carta. It is, in fact, Rim and Seyf's Gchat archive. Generations after we've passed (if that ever happens), our offspring will discover the hard drive containing our daily missives and learn about the great men who sowed their seeds. After that they'll put it up for auction, because they'd be idiots to turn down that windfall profit. 

One of the recurring themes in our discussions is an alternate reality where Rim and Seyf are the stars of a TV show called "Rim and Seyf: Southern P.I.'s." If you can't tell by the title, it's about two tough guy detectives based in Birmingham, Alabama who solve big crimes all over SEC country. What follows is the first few scenes of the fourth episode of first season. 

OPENING SCENE

The screen is black. A quick ::smack smack smack:: can be heard. Then, silence. ::smack smack smack:: A circle appears over a pack of Marlboro Reds before expanding to reveal the full shot like they do in those old cartoons. Seyf, a stunning blonde in his early 30's, is leaning against the wall, smoking a freshly lit cigarette. His tie is loosened around the neck of his short sleeve shirt, and he's packing the tobacco (smoker's reference nbd) so his next stick is smooth and potent. Seyf is known for his preparation. 

His partner Rim, with his chiseled jaw and intimidating beard, is leaning back in his chair, feet up on the desk in their office. He's wearing a sleeveless Auburn shirt and checking the scores on his phone. It's Monday morning, and Rim and Seyf are hungover. After another grueling week of cracking cases and kicking ass, Saturday turned into Sunday and Sunday into Monday. 

RIM: What channel is the big game on tonight? 

SEYF: No big games tonight Rim, just the NFL. 

RIM: Ah, that's right. Forgot it's Monday already. 

SEYF: Another Rim and Seyf Monday. 

RIM: Back at it. Can I have a cigarette? 

SEYF: (puzzled) You don't smoke, Rim. 

RIM: I do now. 

Rim grabs the pack of Reds from Seyf and lights one up. The feeling is intoxicating, and before he knows it Rim is yanking sticks out of the pack like pieces of gum. After each light, Seyf laughs a little harder. Once Rim has six heaters in his mouth, he gives Seyf the other five so that it's fair. Rim and Seyf split everything 50-50. 

Just then, Rim and Seyf's secretary walks through the door with a note. She's hot, in her 50's with the kind of face and confidence that really grabs their attention. But Rim and Seyf are pros, and would never cross that line. Class all the way. 

JULIE: Guys, I've got a fax here from Mr. Perrilloux, the athletic director at LSU. 

RIM: Jules babe, I know who Mr. Perrilloux is. Now why don't you turn around real nice for me? 

JULIE: Rim, this isn't a joke! His daughter is MISSING! 

SEYF: Why don't you just cool it, okay Julie? How do you know his daughter's missing? 

JULIE: It's right here on this fax from that school over there in Baton Rogue! 

Rim and Seyf take a look at the sheet, wiping the cigarette ash away as it drops onto the paper. They typically don't believe anything unless it's from the horse's mouth. Any detective worth their weight in tobacco knows that.

Julie hears the fax machine buzzing again and rushes off to the front room. The office doesn't have a phone line or internet connection, and has the same wood paneling you might see in Kevin Reynolds' basement. At this point they've solved a bunch of crimes so money isn't a problem, but Rim and Seyf like to keep it old school. Plus with Obama and everything you don't want anybody tapping into your stuff. 

SEYF: Looks like we got ourselves a doozy here, Rim. Why would someone kidnap Mr. Perrilloux's daughter? 

RIM: To keep Rim and Seyf from going to the big game. 

SEYF: (nods) I'll put the coffee on. 

END OF OPENING SCENE 

 

SCENE 2

Rim and Seyf are at a local watering hole in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It's been a few days since they found out Camille Perrilloux went missing, but Rim and Seyf didn't really get started on the case until about Thursday night. They figured it would only take a few days to find the crook and bring him to justice, so they stayed at the office for a while, smoking cigarettes, reading Phil Steele's Preview and catching up on the action from around the country. 

SEYF: This here is good bourbon punch. 

RIM: Sure is, Seyf. How's your crawfish bisque? 

Seyf is lifting a spoonful of hot soup toward his mouth, keeping his eyes on the TV tuned to the SEC Network above the bar. The cayenne stings Rim's nostrils a bit, and he glances up just in time. 

RIM: SEYF! NO! 

Seyf looks down to find a garter snake coiled on his spoon. Terrified, he quickly throws it across the room and jumps away from the bar. Rim takes out his baseball bat and hunts the snake down, smashing it to pieces before flicking his cigarette and rubbing them both into the ground. 

SEYF: Something fishy's going on here, Rim. 

RIM: They tried to kill you, Seyf! These crooks will stop at nothing to keep us from finding Mr. Boudreax's daughter! 

The bar owner comes around the corner, whistling "Forward Rebels" and cleaning a boiling pot. He locks eyes with Rim and Seyf and knows they've found the snake. The pot clangs on the floor as the bar owner sprints out the back of the kitchen. 

SEYF: Let's get him Rim! 

RIM: (makes fake gun noises and pretends to shoot the bar owner with two pistols) 

Rim and Seyf quickly finish up their crawfish bisque and Mississippi mud pie before bolting to the parking lot and firing up their 1990 Chevrolet Silverado 1500 C/K Series extended cab pickup with a 5.7 liter engine and manual transmission. It's burgundy with silver paneling and has the best tow package in the South. They keep it in four-wheel drive most of the time because you never know when you'll have to take all-terrain tires through a shallow swamp or the backyards of some rough criminal hideouts. With as much driving and crime-solving as Rim and Seyf have done in this truck, there's probably a good 900k miles on it. There's no way of knowing though, not since the odometer was shot out in the Neyland Stadium parking lot before Rim and Seyf saved Coach Fulmer's daughter just in time for Tennessee's homecoming game in 2006. 

RIM: I'll drive. 

SEYF: You always do, Rim. 

(Seyf doesn't know how to drive stick and has no desire to learn. Rim doesn't either, but they make do.) 

SEYF: THERE HE IS! 

Rim and Seyf see the bar owner keeled over, panting in the parking lot of a Church's Chicken. Seyf jumps out of the truck going full speed and does a barrel roll through a ditch while Rim screeches into the lot. Seyf chases the bar owner down and spears him from behind. After he gets up, Seyf flicks his cigarette and puts it out on the bar owner's cheek. 

SEYF: Who put you up to this? 

(silence) 

SEYF: What do you know about Camille Perrilloux? 

The bar owner doesn't answer. He might be dead. Rim gets out of the truck with his bat and starts smashing the hood and doors of the truck for intimidation. 

RIM: Hey buddy, this is you if you don't give us some answers! 

Rim bashes the grill of their truck so hard that the front wheels leave the ground for a moment. 

BAR OWNER: Okay, okay! His name was "Devereux," I think. Said somethin' about a clock tower. That's all I know, I swear! 

RIM: Why'd he get you to do his dirty work? 

BAR OWNER: (spits up some blood on the pavement) He knew you boys would be comin' through town makin' a stop for the best Cajun gumbo and boucheries in Hattiesburg! 

SEYF: (lifts the bar owner's head by his hair) Was that so hard? 

RIM: (smashes out a headlight while staring at the bar owner) 

END OF SCENE 2

NEXT SCENE 

It's Friday morning, and Rim and Seyf are at the buffet at the Biloxi Hard Rock. They're taking the long way to Baton Rouge and couldn't help stopping by one of the top party hotels in the South. 

Seyf drops a plate of scrambled eggs on the table, startling Rim, who was laying down in the booth. 

SEYF: Do you think he was talking about the Campanile? 

RIM: Only clock tower I know of. 

Rim and Seyf hadn't discussed anything the bar owner said since leaving him bloodied in the Church's Chicken parking lot. They just had some Red Bulls in the truck and went down to Biloxi

SEYF: What do we know about Camille Perrilloux? KOI? 

Rim pulls out his phone and starts tapping away. It takes him longer than normal because he's not sure how to spell  "Perrilloux." 

RIM: Looks like she's a senior at Broadmoor High. 

::tap tap tap tap tap tap tap:: 

RIM: ...valedictorian... 

::tap tap tap tap tap tap tap:: 

RIM: ...looks like she parties a little bit. 

::tap tap tap tap tap tap tap:: 

RIM: ...and she's thinking about going to Purdue! 

SEYF: Purdue? Why would she want to go to Purdue? 

RIM: According to her LiveJournal, she doesn't want to live in the shadow of Mr. Perrilloux. 

SEYF: Girls are so stupid imo. 

RIM: Broadmoor's homecoming dance is on Saturday Seyf, just before the big game. 

SEYF: We gotta find Camille and bring this Devereux crook to justice in time for the big game. 

RIM: Better get the truck. 

Rim and Seyf flick their cigarettes onto the carpet at the Biloxi Hard Rock. Seyf signs his receipt with his phone number and Rim leaves a big tip with a winky face. 

END OF SCENE 3 

 

NEXT SCENE 

Rim and Seyf, finally in Baton Rouge, are at an LSU tailgate with a bunch of babes. Rim doesn't have a shirt on and Seyf is pouring beers on his head while chewing some purple licorice. 

RIM: Hey Seyf, what channel is the big game on tonight? 

SEYF: (slams a Miller Lite can down) DOESN'T MATTER RIM, WE'RE GONNA BE THERE! 

Rim and Seyf smash their beer cans together in celebration. They always make this joke before the big games they go to, and it gets big cheers from the crowd. 

SEYF: But seriously though, it's on CBS. 

Suddenly, one of the tailgate babes falls flat on her face. The crowd cheers, thinking she had partied too hard and needed a break. But Rim and Seyf knew better. 

SEYF: Rim, quick! 

Rim flicks his cigarette. 

SEYF: A blow dart! 

Seyf's kind of afraid of germs, so Rim rips the dart out of the babe's neck and starts sucking out the poison. After a few seconds, the babe is revived. 

While Rim and the college babe make out for a little bit, Seyf takes out his binoculars to see if he can find the would-be assassin. 

SEYF: THERE HE IS! (kind've Seyf's catchphrase at this point) 

A purple 1989 standard cab six-cylinder Ford Ranger with a 2.9 liter engine peels away over a grassy hill toward campus. Just before the extended bed disappears over the hill, a young blonde pops her head through the backseat window, her mouth gagged with an LSU bandana. It had to be Camille Perrilloux. 

RIM: That has to be Camille Perrilloux! 

SEYF: ...and Mr. Devereux. Get the truck, Rim! 

Rim punches out the window of the truck before hopping in an starting the engine. There's a hog roasting in the bed, but Rim and Seyf keep it tied down specifically for situations like this. 

SEYF: He's heading toward Memorial Tower! 

Rim finishes crunching on some kettle cooked Devil's Spit barbecue chips from Famous Dave's. He throws the empty bag between his leg out the window. 

RIM: Time for us to be the snakes in HIS soup! 

Rim and Seyf's all-terrain tires come in handy as they tear across the courtyard in front of the clock tower. Mr. Devereux's truck ramps up the steps leading to the campanile. His henchmen grab Camille from the back seat and drag her inside. 

SEYF: THERE HE IS! 

RIM: (pops open another bag of cajun-flavored kettle chips and lights a cigarette). I have an idea. 

SEYF: (nods) Let's do it, Rim. 

Rim and Seyf stop short of the steps, gently put the car in park and grab a tool kit out of the back seat. The truck has been through a lot -- no need to ramp up any kind of steps right now. 

Rim grabs the knives they use to cut the ribs out of their hogs and hands one to Seyf. They slash all four tires on Mr. Devereux's '89 Ford Ranger. Mr. Devereux certainly won't be making a quick getaway. 

Rim and Seyf head into Memorial Tower, sprinting up the stairs they same way they do during offseason training. Finally, they reach the top, a little out of breath and ready to puke since they partied so hard in Biloxi. 

MR. DEVEREUX: Rim and Seyf, what a surprise. 

SEYF: COOL IT, DEVEREUX! 

Mr. Devereux has Camille Perrilloux locked in his arm, pressing a hunting knife against her neck. No blood was coming out because it was a pretty dull knife since he used it for hunting and stuff. 

RIM: What are you doing with Mr. Perrilloux's daughter? Are you trying to keep Rim and Seyf from watching the big game? 

MR. DEVEREUX: HAH! It's always about you, isn't in Rim and Seyf? 

Rim and Seyf look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They realize it kind of is always about them, but they don't care. 

MR. DEVEREUX: I kidnapped little Camille here because Coach Miles HAS to go! Stealing Mr. Perrilloux's daughter was the only way to get his attention. 

Mr. Devereux takes a swig of his bourbon bottle, which is almost empty. Bourbon splashes as Camille clenches her eyes closed. Rim notices another bottle sticking out of Mr. Devereux's pocket. There's no lid screwed on. 

SEYF: That's crazy, Mr. Devereux! Coach Miles has led the boys to four straight 10-win seasons, including an appearance in the National Championship Game! 

MR. DEVEREUX: HE'S NO ROLE MODEL, SEYF! HE'S TEACHING OUR BOYS THE WRONG THINGS! 

With Mr. Devereux distracted, Rim decides to strike. He flicks his cigarette at the trail of bourbon left from Mr. Devereux's pocket. Flames shoot across the floor and up Mr. Devereux's pant leg. Startled, he lets go of Camille and starts slapping the fire like an idiot. 

RIM: HERE CAMILLE! 

Seyf spears Mr. Devereux and knees him in the chest as he gets up. Just kind of an old football trick he picked up. 

But Mr. Devereux won't go down without a fight. He punches Seyf in the back of the knee, which was operated on a few times during his old football days. Guy really did his research. 

Right as Mr. Devereux gets up to tackle Seyf, Rim sees his opening. He tosses Camille to the side and literally walks through fire for Coach Miles, kicking Mr. Devereux in the stomach and giving him a Stone Cold Stunner. There's no coming back from that. 

RIM: You okay, Seyf? 

SEYF: Always, Rim. Camella...Camillio...how are you? 

CAMILLE: It's Camille, and thank you both for saving me. 

SEYF: Don't mention it babe. 

CAMILLE: Wh-what now? 

RIM: We escort you to the Broadmoor High homecoming dance. 

Camille gushes with enthusiasm. All the girls at Broadmoor have posters of Rim and Seyf in their bedrooms from when they were given away to the first 5,000 fans at the Mobile BayBears game when Rim and Seyf threw out the first pitch. 

Seyf walks Camille down the tower while Rim kicks Mr. Devereux three or four steps at a time. The BRPD is waiting for them outside, and rushes to cuff Mr. Devereux as soon as Rim allows it. 

MR. DEVEREUX: This isn't the end, Rim and Seyf! Mr. Perrilloux will never see Camille again! 

SEYF: Beat it, Dever-LAME! 

RIM: Nice! 

Since the daughter of the LSU AD goes to Broadmoor, they get to have their dances in the reception hall of the press box at Tiger Stadium. Rim doesn't put his shirt on and Seyf has a few more beers before taking Camille to the dance. All the kids cheer when Camille walks through the door, not because she's alive but because she's being escorted by the most prolific crime-solving duo in all of SEC country. 

After the dance, Rim, Seyf and the daughter of LSU's athletic director head up to Mr. Perrilloux's box at the 50 yard line. It was halftime, and the Tigers were down five in the big game. 

RIM: Where is everybody? The box is empty... 

SEYF: Who cares Rim? Take a look at these great eats! Wait a minute... 

Seyf notices a wire coming from a platter of cajun shrimp, Rim and Seyf's favorite food. 

SEYF: Rim! Have a look at this here! 

Rim finishes his Coors Light and heads over to the shrimp table. 

RIM: Wh-what is it Seyf? 

SEYF: I think...I think it's a... 

A ticking noise can be heard underneath the table. Rim and Seyf look at each other in horror. 

RIM AND SEYF (together): BOMB! 

Even though they're still a little buzzed, Rim and Seyf act quickly. Rim takes his game-used towel from the 2007 Sugar Bowl vs. Notre Dame and grabs Camilla. Seyf pulls Nick Saban's headset from last year's shutout of Ole Miss. Both of them rush to the front of the box as the timer continues to tick down. 

Since it's a big game, CBS has an overhead camera set up with wires running all over the place. There's one hooked up right above Mr. Perrilloux's box, and once again Rim and Seyf use their SEC memorabilia to their advantage. 

With Camilla in one arm, Rim wraps his Tiger towel around the cable and pushes off the edge of the box. Seyf isn't far behind, using the headset as an anchor to follow Rim along this makeshift zip line. Seyf's carrying a case of Coors Light and a bag of candy that he loaded up while Rim was getting his zip line thing set up. 

There's commotion in the crowd as the two most effective crime solvers in the Bayou region fly across Death Valley. The commotion turns to terrified screams when the LSU AD's box explodes just after Seyf started his descent. 

On the field below, Mr. Perrilloux is in the middle of honoring the achievements of LaRon Landry and Joseph Addai. Landy was a free safety with great instincts and elite hands. His coverage skills stood out for his class and he had no problems attacking the ball at the line of scrimmage. Addai was a bruising RB who was tough to bring down between the tackles. He didn't have breakaway speed but was able to carve out a nice career in the NFL thanks to his ability to deliver some solid punishment for his size. 

With their line running out, Rim and Seyf make the 40-foot drop onto the field, going into quick barrel rolls like they're known to do. Most of the chicks in the crowd, unsure of what's happening, are still shrieking in terror. Mr. Perrilloux rushes over to his daughter, who at this point is really bruised up but hey at least she's alive. 

MR. PERRILLOUX: Rim and Seyf! You've found her! 

SEYF: (picking up some of the candy that fell when they jumped off the zipline) We sure did, Mr. Perrilloux. Piece of cake. (gives Rim a fist pound) 

MR. PERRILOUX: I knew I could truss y'all boys to fine my daughter! How can I evuh repayuh? 

RIM: Just keep making sure we get some game-used SEC gear under the table. (winks) 

MR. PERRILLOUX: I got anothuh ideuh... 

Mr. Perrilloux takes the microphone off the stand and addresses the crowd. 

MR. PERRILOUX: Many of y'all know deez two min standin' next tuh meuh. Fuh yeauh, they done solve dozen of crime all over SEC countruh, putway crooks fruh thuh swamp crooks fruh thuh country. But I want y'alltuh know right now, deez two detectives -- Rim an' Seyf -- juss pull off they greatiss jawb evuh by savin' my daughter from dat slimy Mistuh Devereux. (Crowd cheers wildly) And fuh that, they always welcome on this feel so long as I'm aydee at this heauh institution! 

The cheering crowd stands on its feet, now screaming with Tiger pride. "RIM! AND! SEYF! RIM! AND! SEYF! RIM! AND! SEYF!" 

Seyf tosses Rim a cold Coors Light. They lock eyes, and smash two unopened cans in celebration, spraying beer all over the delighted Perrillous family. Rim and Seyf chug the beers as the crowd's chant grows even louder. 

JOSEPH ADDAI: Riminsife! Yawl iss uh hawnuh. Yoomine takin' a pic wit me ann LuhRawn? 

SEYF: No problem, Joe. 

LaRON LANDRY: How bout y'all come out wituss aftuh duh game. 

RIM: Of course, LaRon. Wouldn't have it any other way. 

LaRON LANDRY: ...juss one prollim. Muh daughta been kidnap. 

Rim and Seyf lock eyes. 

SEYF: Better get the truck, Rim. 

END OF FINAL SCENE. 

Rim