Some Okay Commercials From Super Bowl LI

Hey, it's the Big Game! (Not trying to get fined over here you know how it is.) Let's talk about some decent commercials.

(FYI there are 20 YouTube videos embedded on this page. Patience is a virtue.)

Sprint

Powerful message here from Sprint. The thing about faking your own death is that it might work for a few years, but eventually there will be grave consequences for your bad deed. You never read stories like "Man Who Faked His Own Death A Month Ago Caught Shoplifting At CVS, Must Pay $500 Fine." It's more along the lines of, "Man Who Faked His Own Death Derailed The Lives Of 17 Other People, Including His Four Children, And Must Reimburse The State $3 Million For The Cost Of Their Four-Year Search." It's not worth it, man. Just switch cell providers. 

Michelob Ultra

If Michelob hopes to replace dive bars with abandoned warehouse gyms, count me solidly out of that revolution. Your boy probably couldn't do a burpee right now if my life depended on it, and I'm guessing the same goes for most people at home shoveling dip down their gullets.

Michelob could have reached the same audience advertising on treadmill TVs and fitness tracker apps. Instead the rest of us have to be reminded that we will never, ever see an ab.

Avocados From Mexico

If Mexico wants to get back in the good graces of the USA, joking about moon landing conspiracies is not the best way to go about it. Buzz Aldrin's liable to spearhead an avocado boycott and concuss anyone suspected of eating guacamole.

Squarespace

Squarespace websites have a lot of great features worthy of highlighting on a grand stage, including excellent design templates, cutting-edge functionality, and unparalleled customer service. This very site is powered by Squarespace! In my view, their $5 or $10 million could have been better spent elsewhere. Not sure why they're getting into the domain-selling game in the first place.

Bai

Spoiler alert: Bai drinks are not good for you. They taste magnificent, I can attest to that. But there is no way this sugar water is as healthy as the packaging would have you believe.

I'm as big of a sucker for nonsense words like "antioxidant" and photos of real fruit on labels as anyone. Probably spent $500 on VitaminWaters in college before realizing hey yeah that's just Gatorade only a little worse. So I understand if you're duped. Just don't expect to hop in a 10k because you replaced diet Mountain Dew with a bunch of Bai.

Mr. Clean

Shout out to the digital artist who just went for it on this one.

MID-LEVEL MARKETING MANAGER AT PROCTER AND GAMBLE: "We need you to make Mr. Clean, but sexy. Really sexy."
DESIGNER: "Hmm ... how's this?"
MANAGER: "Eh, it's a start. Darken the shadows around his bulge a little bit. Make his hamstrings a little fuller. And shine up that hoop earring. Thaaat's it. Ahhhhh."

Bai

Okay I'm back on the Bai bandwagon and you'll never pry me off.

Budweiser

POLITICAL MESSAGE ALERT!

Not really, just the origin story of America's most well-known beer brand which happens to have an immigration theme a week after our president did a pretty big immigration thing. #BoycottBudweiser if you're against companies whose founders realized their American dream.

Honda

Ignore for a moment that most of these celebrities wouldn't recognize a Honda CR-V if one plowed through their pool house. Let's focus instead on the Minority Report-ass technology we got going on here. The days of imperceptibly edited video are upon us. We can only hope this superpower is used for the good of humanity i.e. fixing the second half of Hancock.

Febreze

Talk about a recession-proof industry. Eating like shit and subsequently stinking up your bathroom is as American as it gets. It unites us across age, race, creed, and yes, gender. Deliver a product that covers up our shame and you got yourself a billion-dollar brand.

Skittles

Shout out to Bobby Moynihan's older brother, who never quite made it in the acting game. Hard to give this spot a top-tier grade when the obvious choice for final candy catcher should have been Marshawn Lynch, not a beaver.

TurboTax

You know TurboTax, we get it. Doing our taxes on your app is really easy. Not sure the blood vessels in Humpty's eyes were necessary, a little too realistic for my tastes. Also: Don't do your taxes on an iPhone app.

TurboTax

Nothing bad to say about this commercial. Between the old guy's adorable embarrassment after clogging the toilet and Khaled's genuine earnestness in running his bed and breakfast, this is probably my favorite spot of the night. Still, don't do your taxes on your phone.

Buick

Buick's been trying to tell us their cars don't look like you think they look for about fifteen years. But if you've ever been in the parking lot of mid-level country club golf course, you know a 2004 Rendezvous looks pretty much the same as a 2017 Encore. Would be like if Necco tried to convince you to check out their "new and improved" wafers.

Wendy's

On paper, I prefer my fast food meat to be reasonably fresh. But! Wendy's makes frozen beef look cool. If Othr Guyz goes through all that effort to defrost my burger before grilling, I trust they have my best interests at heart. We don't even see how Wendy's stores their "fresh" meat. Seems pretty unsafe. I'd like to avoid E. coli/kidney failure at all costs. 

King's Hawaiian

Kind of a cute way to make dinner rolls fun again. Though this dad probably needs to re-think his hiding spots. Rim Sr. once hid cans of Pringles in the pan drawer under the oven or in pitchers in the spinny thing up high. Took me almost a full day to find those things.

You'll know when these barbecue sauces come out because a local news story about a 30-year-old man (me) camping outside a 24-hour grocery store in anticipation of their release will probably creep onto the front page of Reddit.

KFC

Look at that crispy golden brown skin. No reason to pay actors to distract us from that gilded crunch. Just put the goddamn chicken on the screen as big as possible and I'll cancel my diet until this promotion is over.

T-Mobile

Justin Bieber's perpetual image rehabilitation tour continues with this tame spot for a mobile phone service no one uses. Worst of all, the origin of the high five is attributed to cavemen, and not Dusty Baker. During Black History Month, no less!

NFL

Not pictured: The two-year-olds conceived in Kansas City early in the third quarter of the 2014 AFC Championship Game. Talk about "accidents" folks.

Busch

Go ahead and make your burp/fart jokes about this one. Tell me that can design isn't good enough to change your beer purchasing habits and I'll call you a liar. |ES|