Regrettably, The Trailer For 'Fifty Shades Freed' Reveals Far Too Many Crucial Plot Details

Of the many obstacles facing the film industry these days (unruly teens, streaming services, MoviePass, MoviePass customer service, bad dudes, good TVs, the nation's general malaise, etc.), overeager trailers are among the most significant. As part of the promotion for Fifty Shades Freed — the final installment in the famed Fifty Shades romance novel trilogy — the trailer above rapidly overtaken most network TV commercial breaks. And folks I must tell you, it is perhaps the most flagrant example of this disturbing trend.

Listen, some of us didn't read the books and don't know how this titillating tale ends. (I'll go to Fifty Shades alone but I'm not about to read the books, that's ridiculous.) Does Christian cheat on Anna? Does Anna fall in love with someone who doesn't make her do uncomfortable things behind closed doors? Will a hidden mystery about Christian's past be revealed? Will Christian be indicted for acquiring wealth through unseemly means? I sure was hoping to find these things out when I saw the movie! Sadly, it appears the entire story arc is revealed in just two-minutes. Have a look:

Christian Proposes
It's about time this guy made an honest woman out of Anna. Now I won't feel so uncomfortable watching these films! The question is, will she accept?


They Get Married
Okay yeah she accepted. 


Anna's Career Is Really Taking Off
Folks she's no longer a flustered college student stumbling around and dropping papers all over the floor. Little confidence looks good on you, A.


Anna's Got Some Sass To Her Now
See in the old days, Anna was real submissive to Christian. But marriage is an equal partnership. Nobody's gonna tell Anna what to do anymore, that's for sure!!

"I guess you'll just have to deal with it." ::AIR HORNS::

"I guess you'll just have to deal with it." ::AIR HORNS::

They Still Do Sex Stuff
Just in case you thought the franchise abandoned its core aesthetic (scenes in rooms with red velvet walls).


Christian Bought A Mansion
Gotta have adequate housing so your kids can ... study exotic botany?


Christian Hired An Architect Who Just Happens To Be A Saucy Blonde Minx
One thing you gotta know about sexy people is they just kiss each other on the cheek at the beginning and end of most interactions. Except it's not really on the cheek, it's kind of back by the ear a little bit. I'm telling you man I've seen it on TV shows. Sexy stuff. 

"Oh hey formal business partner!"  [smmooooch]

"Oh hey formal business partner!" [smmooooch]

Christian Is Building Them A New House In Addition To The Mansion He Purchased Seconds Prior
Not sure why. Looks too much like an office building for a startup sock subscription service for my tastes, but I've been watching a lot of Flip or Flop lately so you can go ahead and disregard my take on that.


Anna Is Willing To Defend Her Turf
See Anastasia isn't down with all this touchy-feely stuff going on between her husband and the architect. Will this become the main storyline? We'll see!!

New Anna will stare daggers into your soul through her new Confidence Bangs, so watch it, missy.

New Anna will stare daggers into your soul through her new Confidence Bangs, so watch it, missy.

Christian Bought A Dang Private Jet Too!
One major purchase is usually enough around which to build a movie plot (see: We Bought A Zoo). That's simply not enough for CG, whose material assets grow by the second.


They Vacation In Monaco
Most people would probably assume this shot is from Greece, but yours truly follows several "travel the world" Instagram accounts and has a nuanced palate when it comes to picturesque oceanfront hillside cityscapes. So shout out to me for that.


They Vacation In The Alps
Lol you thought "I'm taking you away for the weekend," meant visiting just one breathtaking rich people locale. Yeah like Christian Grey is gonna fly his private jet all the way to Europe and only visit one country. Come on!


Anna's Ex-Boyfriend Is In The Mix
Talk about an upgrade, folks! This guy is slovenly, to say the least.


Anna Is A World-Class Getaway Driver
As part of her new Independent Woman persona, Anna apparently insists on pushing the whips in the relationship. Things get dicey on a winding road when (presumably) her ex starts following their Audi, and with bad intentions. It's no sweat for Anna, though. Just slam on the gas, make some impossibly sharp turns, and slide right under logging truck on some National Lampoon's shit. Yeeeeowmm.

Baby Driver  (2017)

Baby Driver (2017)

Anna Gets Her Gun
From mild hints of sass to a potential self-defense killing? Things are escalating quickly for Anna. In her defense, that guy looks like he's into not just murders, but grisly murders. Gotta nip that kind of thing in the bud.


Christian Punches A Guy At A Club
Quickest way to spice up a dull marriage is to physically defend your wife's honor in public. Anna's never been more into Christian than at this moment, in my opinion. 


Christian Shoots Somebody
Thank goodness Christian has more than just that silly revolver. Not a gun guy but come on man, be a real billionaire for me one time.


Anna Shoots Somebody!
Looks like she's aiming for the kneecaps too. Wants to see him crippled on the witness stand. Diabolical.




Holy cow, folks. That's no fewer than eighteen major plot details, more than I thought the entire movie could even have. This trailer is a major bummer for sophisticated film buffs, such as myself, who like to head to the cinema knowing as little as possible about the big blockbusters. Might have to wait until the day after Valentine's Day to see it alone in theaters as my own little silent protest. |ES|