Reader Email: 'What I'll Do When I Win The Powerball Jackpot'

Tonight's record-breaking Powerball drawing has the entire country clamoring for slips of paper from the gas station. Kyle "Wade" Stuer, longtime Eight Screens reader and former RIMCAST guest, detailed how he would spend the millions.

Note: Light edits applied, though we kept some of the incomprehensible stuff because it's part of the charm.

-----

  Might as well be a paper cup to Monopoly Man Wade.

Might as well be a paper cup to Monopoly Man Wade.

To: The Eight Screens Fellas

1/13/16

Hey fellas,

So after tonight, everything changes, I'm going to be a 100 millionaire. Everyone's got a loose plan that resembles a Dan Bilzerian-type lifestyle, but not this guy. 

First of all, I'm gonna call my friend $eyf and he'll tell me who to call for some legal tax advice. Then I'll rent a car and go into hiding with my wife until the first check hits the bank account.

As far as what to do once the money comes in, I have two plans in place:

Idiot-Proof Annuity

Listen guys, I don't know how to take care of the $20 bill my mom gives me when I'm home for Christmas, let alone a lump sum of hundreds of millions of dollars paid out immediately. Outside of stuffing it under my mattress, how will I keep an eye on all that money? I don't know.

If I take the annuity over the life of the payout, I get more money and pay fewer taxes on it*. I don't want to be broke in 30 years.

Don't scoff at this payout. My lifestyle would drastically change. I would:

  • Start several small businesses and invest in hilarious products.
  • Have streaming subscriptions across all platforms on every device.
  • Drink venti specialty anything I want, whenever I want it.
  • Have cleaning, lawn, and food services.
  • Get a personal trainer.
  • Join a sick country club for golf.
  • After all that, give the rest away to all loved ones and friends, and people legitimately suffering out on the streets.
  • For sure get the guy that sings outside of my Walgreens some proper vocal lessons and the warmest Carhartt money can buy. 

The annuity is such a safe way to be rich! I'd get millions of dollars a year and live lavishly like an NBA player with a much longer career. I read the first payment of the annuity option is in the $26 million range. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DON'T NEED OR WANT ALL THAT CAYSH YEARLY! I'd live comfortably and still work passionately in the field I've always dreamed of: archaeology.

But my wife will work and my kids will have jobs at a young age. I'm not gonna lose my homegrown Iowa morals. Hard work pays off in more ways than just having money ever will. This option gets overlooked far too quickly imo. I very well might do it, to protect myself from myself.

YOLO Plan Lump Sum

This is the real dream lottery scenario: total short-term financial freedom. Let's spread this chedda in some really lavish/stupid ways.

  • Buy all the Kony child soldiers,** tell them to lay their weapons down, and give each of them a hoverboard.
  • Replace Andy Richter on the couch of the Conan O'Brien show.
  • Create an ABC show like Undercover Boss where I research the most deserving people I can find and give them each $1 million. I'd call the show 100 Millionaires and we'd have 100 episodes.
    • All proceeds from the show would go to feed and clothe the homeless. 
  • Buy Brucemore.
  • Pay to finish El Chapo's movie, even if he's still behind bars. The people want to see this film.
  • My friend Jamie suggested he'd free Brendan Dassey and take him to WrestleMania. This is very lol and I would do the same.
  • Build a gated community and have my friends each own a house on a cul-de-sac where the buildings are connected by Playstation-esque tunnels, slides, and ball pit landing zones.
    • Note: I wouldn't live here, I'd just come hang out at my friends' houses whenever I wanted. Climbing through the tunnels, just laughing and catching up.
  • Put Izzy (Ed. note: Alex's daughter) through an Ivy League college of her choice.
  • Have a balloon glow every night on Brucemore's lawn in the months of June, July, and August. Free to the public, and we'd have Lion's Bridge on tap. Limit two per patron.
  • End domestic abuse.
  • Play golf with Tiger Woods, then go to the strip club with him as well.
  • Give my closest friends and relatives $1 million each.
    • The stipulation for this tier is we have to be "boys". If "we're boys" then you're getting paid son!
  • Go to Mars.
  • Give my secondary friends and relatives $10,000 each. (Like everyone I know or have met at least twice.)
  • Drink beer with Stone Cold Steve Austin at the Broken Skull Ranch.
  • Pay off my buddy Marco's student loans.
  • Voiceover for the lead in a Pixar film. 
  • Buy the Blank Check bubble screen TV wall.
  • Bring back the lions and bears that used to live at Brucemore.
  • Buy a brand new studio at the top of Trump Tower for the RIMCAST and have personal helicopters each pick you up for the weekly taping.
  • Defeat ISIS.

If I took the lump sum, I'm only trying to add about $600 rent in up-sizing my apartment and buy a few more sweaters. I wouldn't want my life to change that much in my day-to-day.

Ten million in the bank would be more than enough. After hearing legal and financial advice from some experts, I'd spend it down until I felt secure, and give the rest away. 

Cheers fellas,

Monopoly Man Wade

P.S. By this time tomorrow, well all be rich!

-----

Note: Wade did not win the Powerball.

* completely unverifiable

** seems a little like slavery to us, but we'll let it slide |ES|

Timpowerball