Music Review: Future - 'EVOL'

Who wants to read a nuanced review of a Future album? Nobody? Good, 'cause I sure as shit don't want to write one.

You know how the sun's starting to come up a little earlier these days, and consequently you wake up and play on your phone about an hour before you normally would on a Sunday? It was during this crusty-eyed fog that I paid $9.99 for a monthly subscription to Apple Music for the sole purpose of listening to this album.

Haven't read the details, but it's a good bet I'm on some sort of "Family Share" plan. First four people to text me can hop on, only requirement is that you remind me to cancel 27 days from now.

Anyway, the review: If you like Future, you will very much enjoy this Future album. It is very Future. We like that. Here are the Future Things we like:

  • Luxury brand names
  • Diamonds/carats
  • Yoppers
  • People going crazy
  • Money
  • Weed
  • Drink
  • Specific pill names
  • 'Raris, 'Ghinis, Bugattis, etc.
  • Lyric repetition

Future almost always gives us these things! Using this criteria, we ranked the songs on EVOL from "Most Future" to "Least Future". (Spoiler alert: "Least Future" is still pretty damn Future.)

11) Low Life (feat. The Weeknd) – 4.6 (out of 10)

Under normal circumstances, this would be a pretty Future song. But The Weeknd is a black hole of self-loathing, and his presence here nearly overwhelms the song.

Good lyric:
Wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey
That's your wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey?
I think I like her, like her, like her, like her

10) In Her Mouth – 5.7

Unacceptable lack of luxury brand names in this song. Future must have recorded this one after paying his quarterlies

Good lyric:
I’m ‘bout to cash out on a new Bugatti
I’m ‘bout to pay the police off, John Gotti

9) Xanny Family – 6.1

There's a hyper-focus on pills and drugs on "Xanny Family", so we'll forgive the many blank checkboxes left behind. This is a pretty Future song.

Good lyric:
N/A

8) Seven Rings – 6.9

This song actually received a 2.3 base score, but earned a 3X multiplier for the catchphrase “My left and right hand Robert Horry".

Good lyric:
Started off slizzered, they callin' me the wizard
Vetti got that Porsche, Casino got that Porsche

7) Photo Copied – 7.2

Not a lot of Future in this particular Future song. Doesn't help that the beat sounds like your Super R-Type is glitching out at the ship-launch screen.

Good lyric:
I’m on savage time

6) Lil Haiti Baby – 7.9

Here, Future artfully weaves in the old reliables whilst spinning a devastating yarn.

Good lyric:
I just wanna go back to the Bentley store
I just wanna go back to the Lamb’ store
I just wanna buy another Rover though
I just wanna get back on a yacht tomorrow
I just wanna buy another spot tomorrow

5) Fly Shit Only – 8.0

This is your new "getting dressed" or "shaking your head in disgust while in the secondhand clothing store" jam. While it's not the Most Future song on the album, it is probably my personal favorite.

Good lyric:
Gotta keep a translator for the models

4) Ain’t No Time – 8.3

EVOL's opening track is chock-full of luxury brand names, from clothing to champagne to — you guessed it — clothing.

Good lyric:
I done gained a little weight and I'm keeping it up
Step in them Christians I done came out the mud
I'm flexing on purpose when I'm in the club

3) Lie To Me – 8.4

The 3.4 base score gets a major five-point bonus for the super-Future beat.

Good lyric:
Accepting the hate when it's coming
I jumped out the Wraith on them bums

2) Program – 9.3

This song earns a high score almost entirely because of the repetition. The phrase "the program" is mentioned 36 times in just 2:56, an astounding rate even for Freeband.

Good lyric:
(They're all kind of similar...)

1) Maybach – 10.0

This is the Most Future song possible, as every item listed above is mentioned at least once. I promise this was not planned.

Good lyric:
Live and learn and I'm still going
Money burn and I'm still going
Count it up and I'm still going
I just count it up and I'm still going
|ES|