Let's Draw Some Ill-Advised Conclusions From The New Trailer For 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens'

If you're like me, you love guzzling down every bit of video for the upcoming Star Wars movie while avoiding all details about the plot—or even the character's names. It's the perfect way to set yourself up for either tremendous gratification or life-changing disappointment, which is how we should all approach big movies.

With that in mind, let's analyze the latest ("first") full-length trailer for A Force Awakens and make rash predictions about the entire trilogy based on these two minutes.

Right out of the gate, our worst fears are confirmed as this appears to be a crossover project with Michael Bay and his version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Presumably Leonardo is recovering from intense plastic surgeries and returns in this film, "back and better than ever!"

A major complaint about the prequels is that the settings were too glossy and manicured, which betrayed the gritty realism portrayed in the original trilogy. One quick way to undo this is to simply tilt an Imperial Destroyer on its side and fill it with sand.

"Who are you?" asks Effie Trinket.

I couldn't make out the girl's response because I was too busy questioning how a self-propelled soccer ball gets any traction on a sand dune smh. Maybe she said "I am no one," but I prefer "I am Norwella." Her name's Norwella.

Okay now we're talkin'. Flying stuff! Is that the ship from before? Seems too small. Can Imperial Destroyers even take off from planets, or do they just kind of float around in space? Hey don't look at me. You're the nerd for even reading this.

Oh, shit! That's a bunch of stormtroopers. Looks like the boys are working with new streamlined outfits and maybe even some matte helmets this season. Don't be surprised if Chip Kelly is somehow involved with the Dark Side.

Looks like this guy found himself on the wrong end of a fistfight with Wilson from Cast Away.

Wait a second, that's the infamous Black Stormtrooper, the man whose existence set off an internet firestorm among AOL and Netscape users three days after the first trailer was released. (It took these backwoods folks a while to download the dang vidya, kay?)

Yikes. The wrong person up in that starship must have gotten a hold of his gchat logs and pulled the trigger.

I mean, honestly, look at this place. Even when it's "the oasis just over the ridge," it's still a tiny pile of trash in the middle of nowhere. You may as well plop down and die, buddy, 'cause that town has ZERO amenities.

Wait, is that a woman off to the right? Wow, shout out to the Empire. Mad equality on these ships. I'm kind of undecided on who to root for at this point.

I gotta wonder what would create tiny little dings like that in this guy's mask. Presumably he's been in some heavy battles. Hand-to-lightsaber combat and all that. His snout looks like the end of my slow-pitch softball bat after one inning.

Guys...that's Darth Vader. Somebody's out for revenge.

Spoiler alert - At the end of Return of the Jedi (1983), Luke Skywalker cremates his father's body while the rest of the universe celebrates (shout out to the Special Editions). Apparently somebody retrieved this helmet from the ashes, presumably hit it with a power washer of some sort (you know why), then took it back to a ship and ordered some guy to create a special triangular stand so the next generation of wacko Sith lords could treat this burned piece of plastic with the reverence it deserves.

Just seems like a lot of work to me. Probably could have just shown a highlight video on loop in the Darth Vader Memorial Conference room or something.

Okay when does the video game come out? Take my money now.

"There are stories about what happened..."

"It's true...all of it."

All of it, Han? Come on, son. You and I both know some of that stuff got embellished along the way. You've probably been up in the cantinas for thirty years talkin' 'bout, "Girl don't you know I took down the Death Stars? Plural."

"Hop in, girl. You know I got that warp speed on the new Falcon." - Han Diesel

Hey, slow down here everybody. This is a lot for some folks to take in. A not-Jango-clone Stormtrooper is betrayed by the Empire then joins the Rebels and maybe even becomes a Jedi? Might as well be playing Star Wars Mad Libs damn.

Side note, I have my concerns about this guy. Most of the time he looks like he just saw a ghost:

 "AHH! A GHOST!"

"AHH! A GHOST!"

 "Oh damn is that a ghost?"

"Oh damn is that a ghost?"

 "OH GOD IT'S A GHOST!"

"OH GOD IT'S A GHOST!"

Come on, man. Other dude hasn't even whipped out the saber yet and you're still freaking out. 

Speaking of ghosts, ole buddy R2 just won't die. Smart move. I can't wait to pick up the Amazon Echo R2-D2 Edition next Christmas.

"R2, what's the like weather today?"

(beep boop beep boop beep)

"R2, how tall is Mount Everest?"

(beep boop beep boop beep beep boop)

"R2, play Jodeci."

♫ You know you're everything I dooooooooooo... ♫

There's been a lot of buzz around this Terminator Stormtrooper, Captain Something, mostly because he has chrome armor and a cape.

But this guy (Girl? The Empire is wild progressive, as we've seen) just doesn't do it for me. A slightly-harder-to-kill stormtrooper with a laser sight on his gun? That cape better help him fly otherwise this character won't make it through the movie.

#relationshipgoals |ES|

Tim