Jay Cutler, Who Loathes Attention And Puts Minimal Effort Into His Appearance, Is TV’s Newest Reality Star

 Safe to say Jay didn't get to the makeup room before shooting this scene.

Safe to say Jay didn't get to the makeup room before shooting this scene.

Very Cavallari, whose title reveals that I’ve been mispronouncing Kristin Cavallari’s name for more than a decade, premiered on E! last night. Normally, an hour-long reality program centered around a C-list celebrity, her friends, and her friends’ friends would not be appointment television for yours truly. But Kristin starred in the finest closing scene in the history of series finales. Tuning in for the return of an icon is the least I could do to pay my respects.

The show is set in Nashville, Tennessee and was likely conceived as a Fixer Upper-style vehicle for Kristin’s fashion brand, Uncommon James, which is staffed by her immature group of friends who bop around on the Music City social scene and have flighty relationships and already I’m bored. The creators probably did not expect Kristin’s husband, former NFL quarterback Jay Cutler, to participate in many story lines, let alone become the breakout star. Promotional photos feature just about everyone but him.

And that makes sense! Jay is an ornery retired athlete who usually looks like he just got back from the vet after putting down his childhood family dog. He’s not known for magnetic charisma or overflowing ambition. It’s possible he doesn’t like people at all. Of course, this is what makes him a breath of fresh air in the genre.

Think of how many disinterested boyfriends begrudgingly watch Bravo and E! shows with their significant others, scoffing at the formulaic drama and rolling their eyes at the inauthenticity of the “real” housewives. Jay Cutler on Very Cavallari is what happens when you take one of those dudes and put him on screen.

Here's a brief list of things Jay did in approximately four minutes of screen time that I'm pretty sure he would have also done in real life:

  • Proudly responded to Kristin's questions about his mostly empty schedule for the day, three days in a row

  • Sarcastically congratulated Kristin and her friend for successfully reconnecting with a Canadian guy from a bar via Instagram direct message

  • Claimed to be responsible for Kristin's daily wardrobe choices

  • Texted his wife from another room about one of her friends parking in their grass

  • Made a different friend of Kristin's help him put out traffic cones (of which he has dozens, for some reason) to prevent future moving violations

  • Told Kristin he hadn't even thought about his post-retirement plans and is looking to do "the exact opposite" of work

It’s a near-certainty that,  at some point, Jay will acknowledge the existence of the show on-camera. “Are we doing this for the show, or…?” “Oh Kristin, that’s VERY Cavallari of you.” “Well the camera guy thought it was funny.”

Without social media, Jay probably doesn't even realize he's a sensation. And if he is aware, he surely does not care. Which gives me hope that the novelty will never wear off. As long as Jay Cutler is more excited to watch live streams of deer feeding in the wild than he is to be on his wife's TV show, he will remain the most authentic personality on reality television. |ES|

 Laser rocket arm and a keen fashion eye.

Laser rocket arm and a keen fashion eye.

 What Jay looks like watching shows like the one he's in.

What Jay looks like watching shows like the one he's in.