In-Depth Indy 500 Preview For Gear Heads ONLY Presented By Mountain Dew Kickstart And Third-Party iPhone Accessories

It's the biggest racin' weekend of the year. The boys are out there ready to turn the ignition and rev the engines then drive around for awhile. Only thing missin' is some hot dogs and muskets, but you can probably get both at the concession stand.

Let's take a look at how they set up the track this year:

Whoa, crazy setup this year. Turn 3 looks pretty fast. That's where the big action happens, because of the angle. Keep an eye out for some action there. Also looks like they have a few straight spots this year. Those are good for speeding up.

Let's take a look at the drivers. They're the ones riskin' their lives for your entertainment. Who's got the best car and mental makeup to zoom around faster than the other guys out there on the track?

1) James Hinchcliffe

Pretty Boy Hinchcliffe won the pole with some blistering times zoomin' around out there during qualifying. Target's on his back now, gonna have to keep your foot on the gas out there, kid. Vrooooooom.

2) Josef Newgarden

The thing about racin' is you gotta be tough. Gotta get dirty. Oil, grease, lug nuts, all that stuff. Looks like ole Josef's been spendin' too much time in the salon and not enough time out there on the pavement.

3) Ryan Hunter-Reay

Red-blooded racin' American right here. RHR's tasted the mother's milk before, and who's to say he won't win the Indy again with a car that fast? Expect some expert zoomin' around out there on the asphalt.

4) Townsend Bell

This year's parent chaperone won't have a chance with two prom-bound teenagers in the back seat weighing down the ride. Ole Townsie keeps it cool for the kids though, with the hip paint job and healthy pizza option.

5) Carlos Munoz

The scouting report on Munoz: Soft, sensual hands (good for holding and turning the wheel) and a fearlessness that comes from growing up in Colombia. Could make some noise on the track this year. 

6) Will Power

Racin' name? Check. Stubble? Check. Faint cold sore? Check (Groupie life). Old school guy right here. Wouldn't be surprised if he took home the checkered flag. 

7) Mikhail Aleshin

See how that front thing is a little bigger and closer to the ground? That makes the car go faster. Old racing trick. Should pay off big round about the finish line.

8) Simon Pagenaud

Simon's runnin' a fast one here. See that little thing on top of the thing on the back? That's a spoiler. Keeps the car goin' fast in the wind. 

9) Helio Castroneves

Most people remember Helio from his appearance in the documentary Talladega Nights. The guy is getting up there in age, but he can still zoom around the track a bit. Racin' is what Helio does.

10) Oriol Servia

Now this here is a fast car, and Oriol is just the man to wheel 'er home. You can tell he can handle the pressure because of how loose he keeps his neck thing and how casually his hair cascades over his forehead. No sweat.

11) Alexander Rossi

Rossi's been feelin' the heat from the other boys lately, presumably because he stole all their girls at one point or another. Gonna be tough out there when everyone's gunnin' for you. Out there on the track.

12) Takuma Sato

The Asian guys in the Fast and the Furious movies always have hidden boosters or some secret advanced technology. Takuma could zoom ahead at the end if this stereotype holds true in real life.

13) Scott Dixon

Competitiveness doesn't come natural to New Zealanders. Otherwise they'd have taken over Australia by now. End that rivalry once and for all. Scottie will be happy for whoever wins the big race...won't be him.

14) Marco Andretti

Would you rather be this guy or Justin Timberlake? Keep in mind how much free Snapple Marco Andretti gets. Unlimited free Snapple.

15) JR Hildebrand

You might remember ole JR from when he gave away the 2011 Indy 500 on the final lap. Dumb move, should've won instead.

16) Charlie Kimball

Long Ears Kimball is all business at the photo shoot, and all business on the track. Bet Chuck doesn't have a friend on the circuit. That'll bode well when it's time to shove someone over on the last lap.

17) Juan Pablo Montoya

Not only did JP win the Indy last year, he also won in the year 2000. Winnin' is all Juan Pablo knows. 

18) Tony Kanaan

Probably best to steer clear of a guy who could clearly turn your bones to dust with his bare hands.

19) Sebastien Bourdais

Sarah Palin Glasses Dude replaces Ronnie from Jersey Shore as the premiere spokesman for Hydroxycut. Big shoes to fill. Probably gonna wilt under the pressure.

20) Ed Carpenter

Take a look at those eyes. Ed's got nothin' behind those eyes. Dead Eyes Ed. Could mean one of two things: Either he doesn't have the heart to win it all, or he's a heartless killer. We'll find out out there on the track. The boys zoomin' around.

21) Gabby Chaves

This ain't bumper cars, kid. Racin's a man's game. No mercy out there when the boys (men) are out there zoomin' around the track out there. On the pavement.

22) Max Chilton

Soft paint job = no chance. Max looks like he's just happy to be here. You'll get eaten alive out there on the track with that attitude.

23) Sage Karam

Tough for Sage to fulfill his potential as a driver when he spends half his time coaching Iceland in the Mighty Ducks sequel.

24) Conor Daly

Stone cold lead pipe favorite right here. Hometown kid. Jacked. Stars and stripes at the Indy 500. Put your money on anybody else and it's dust in the wind.

25) Pippa Mann

The lone woman in this year's field is a Mann who drives a pink car. Pippa won't finish in the top half. Not because she's a lady, but because she'll probably try and paint her nails or something during the race. We ain't going to the mall, honey.

26) Graham Rahal

Sunday Tiger Red doesn't work anymore bud. Hard jinx right there. I do like his warmup time though: 223.538. That seems pretty good.

27) Matt Brabham

Young Ken Griffey, Jr. of auto racing in the house. You don't see any of the adults in the room wearing cockeyed caps. The Kid is loose, and he can probably hear all the other drivers' chatter out there on the asphalt. 

28) Bryan Clauson

Tough to pick a guy who cuts his hair with a butter knife. The car's lookin' fast this year though, no denyin' that. Look at those green stripes. Angles pointin' forward. Guy could make some noise out there.

29) Spencer Pigot

"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah."

- radio convos between Spencer and the team 'cause these boys are sponsored by Manitowoc Honda heh.

30) Stefan Wilson

Exotic paint job, sensible sponsor. Big Stefan Wilson guy. He'll be runnin' fast on Sunday.

31) Jack Hawksworth

Young Brit here looking to take home the checkered flag. Hey also do they get to actually take home the checkered flag? Guessing not. The hard-workin' folks in Indiana probably reuse the same one every year.

32) Buddy Lazier

This Phil Hartman -looking guy has the smirk of a champion. Plus his name is Buddy Laser, which you couldn't make up if you tried. Instant podium contender.

33) Alex Tagliani

Porn Parody Tony Stark snuck into the last spot this year, but the boys in Vegas aren't giving him much of a chance. I think he can make some noise, personally. |ES|

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