On My Own: An Open Letter To Bobby Brown And The Cast Of 'Ghostbusters II'
Dear Mr. Brown,
I write to you today with great urgency in a time of desperate need.
Three months ago, while listening to your wildly underrated hit "On Our Own" from the Ghostbusters II soundtrack, something hit me: I could listen to this song forever.
This is not hyperbole. I legitimately believe I could listen to this song until the end of time. It has so many varied elements: smooth singing, fast rapping, occasional yelps. As soon as the track ends, I'm ready to hear it again.
It was with this confidence that I decided to set a Guinness World Record for "Longest Period of Time Listening to the Same Song." My plan is to listen to "On Our Own" 490 times over the course of 40 hours, with no sleep. After that, who knows. I might just hit 'repeat.'
The world record attempt would take place at a bar in Chicago, Illinois and live-streamed online. Thousands, perhaps millions, would tune in. The attempt could even coincide with the release of the latest installment in the Ghostbusters franchise, drawing the attention of the media and reminding the world of your contribution to one of our great American cultural touchstones.
With this plan in mind, I submitted a formal application the the Guinness Book of World Records. After more than ten weeks of waiting, Guinness responded with the following email:
Dear Tim Kennedy,
Thank you for sending us the details of your proposed record attempt for 'Most consecutive hours listening to the same song'.
Unfortunately, after thoroughly reviewing your application with members of our research team, we are afraid to say that we cannot accept your proposal as a Guinness World Records title.
Our team of expert Records Managers receive thousands of new record proposals every year from all over the world which are carefully assessed to establish if they meet our stringent criteria. Every record verified by Guinness World Records must be measurable by a single superlative, verifiable, standardisable, breakable and also present an element of skill. Unfortunately this does not meet our requirements to be a record, as it does not have the skill level needed.
This is preposterous! Lacking skill? Mr. Brown, in today's short attention span society, most people can't bear to listen to an entire song once, let alone 490 times in a row without stopping. There are Guinness records for longest fingernails and the largest slot machine tournament. No one involved in those records is exhibiting any skill whatsoever.
Most people might view this email as the end of their road, a confirmation of their sad, record-less destiny. I choose another path.
Mr. Brown, I guess we're gonna have to take control.
Today I formally request your official backing in this endeavor. With you by our side, Guinness will have no choice but to relent to the growing pressure and recognize this feat of mental endurance and persistence with an official World Record. The benefit to you is obvious: With the attention garnered by this record attempt, a new generation of Ghostbusters fans will be exposed to your music and discover who laid the foundation for today's pop and R&B hits — Bobby Brown.
Thank you sincerely for considering this partnership, Mr. Brown. I hope to hear from you soon.
Tim Kennedy, Jr.
Music Fan and Ghostbusters Enthusiast
firstname.lastname@example.org | Twitter
P.S. We can even raise money for the charity of your choice, if that sways you.