How To Approach Scary Clowns At Night (Or In The Wilderness)

By now you've heard about the rash of creepy clown sightings over the last few weeks. This phenomenon will almost certainly last through Halloween (November clowns are losers, fyi), which means you need to be prepared to deal with the situation should you be stumble upon a grown man with a painted face and red hair.

The first thing you need to do when confronted with a clown is determine whether you're dealing with some prankster teen or a potential murderer (though I guess everyone is a potential murderer when you really think about it /finger-chin emoji). The best way to separate these two groups is to yell loudly — from a safe distance, of course — "Hey are you a prankster teen or a murderer?" If the clown turns around slowly, cocks his head to the side and starts running toward you, it's definitely a prankster teen. In this case, immediately pull out your cell phone and casually pretend to text someone. Millennials naturally want to feel like part of the group, so the wannabe predator will probably stop dead in his tracks and pretend to text his friends, too. Softly tell the clown that this is your "safe space," and he'll respect your privacy and look for someone else to frighten.

Potential murderer clowns, now those are the boys you gotta be worried about. Going for a run in the forest at dusk might seem like a good idea, but it's not because Atlanta is on tonight and you're probably going to be attacked by a clown in the woods. Just another reason to avoid exercise at all costs. 

But if you must jog, please be aware of your surroundings. When you inevitably come across one of these crackpots, ask the question above. If the clown responds, "Sorry to scare you, just having some fun with a few friends," then you're in real trouble.

This is when you beat the murderer clown at his own game. Keep your cool as the fake friendly clown walks toward you. When he's close enough to extend his hand for a shake, sweep the leg and quickly roll him over onto his belly (clowns aren't physically fit, that's a fact). Reach into your inside jacket pocket and pull out the never-ending handkerchief you packed before you left for your run. Hog tie the murderous clown starting with one ankle then moving to the opposite side wrist. 

You can come up with your own one-liner for this moment, but I suggest something like, "Have fun juggling bowling pins in JAIL, clown!" Then go live on Facebook to gloat before contacting your local police department.

And always, always keep your head on a swivel. |ES|


Header image: Stephen King's It

Tim