What Have We Done?
Hot dogs or pizza? Pizza or hot dogs? Last month, grease-peddling corporate giant Pizza Hut brokered a compromise in this, uh, "debate" by replacing traditional, tasty pizza crust with an unapologetic full clip of mini hot dogs. "Hot Dog Bites Pizza" they called it, and that employee was given a raise.
Parents around the country immediately struggled to explain this unnatural relationship between two entirely different foods to their children. Pizza is unhealthy enough on its own, and adding hot dogs to the mix all but guarantees a diabetic future for their families. And what are hot dogs made of anyway?
I am a father of none, so that stuff is of no concern. Let's eat!
Oh it's just me? I'm eating this alone? That's what we're doing here? Sure, no, that's fine, yeah. No big deal. I'll just eat this whole pizza. No honestly it's fine.
Before we get to the main attraction, let's give the pizza a taste. After all, a Ferrari isn't much without air in the tires. A disappointing pie dooms this whole trip.
Yikes. It seems this thing is a little thinner than your typical hand-tossed pie, but somehow chewier than normal. In my experience, crust and pie thickness are positively correlated: Thin crust pizzas don't have a mound of dough in the middle, and there is no shortage of cheese and sauce on deep dish versions.
This pizza lacks both density and character. Maybe attaching two separate foods and cooking them at the same time isn't that easy?
"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." - Joni Mitchell, Janet Jackson, but mostly Cinderella
Believe it or not, the presence of more than two dozen miniature hot dogs creates a logistical nightmare for this hungry American.
With just about every pizza you've ever had, the crust allows for a nice, maneuverable grip—a crucial element many of us take for granted. Not the case here.
What if someone replaced your car door handles with say, I don't know, hot dogs? It might be a little inconvenient, sure. But I bet those dogs taste great! They do, don't they? You like that hot dog? Everyone enjoying themselves? Ah, shit, now we can't get into your car.
Was it worth it? Unless you have Triple-A, you may resort to breaking into your own car with a wire hanger. Good luck, but I'll be damned if I use a tool to eat my pizza.
There's a reason regular handles exist, folks.
The Hot Dog Bites
Here's a rough transcript of my phone order for this pizza:
ME: (fat, kind of embarrassed) Hi, um, I'd like to try the Hot Dog Bites Pizza please.
HER: (annoyed at all the fat people calling) What do you want on it?
ME: Well, uh, do you have the kind with the, uh, pretzel crust...maybe?
HER: (rolls eyes) No, we don't.
ME: (disappointed, embarrassed, still fat) Oh, okay that's fine. So is it just like, regular crust or...?
HER: What toppings do you want?
Mini hot dogs wrapped in regular pizza crust reminds me of something that comes out of an elementary cafeteria at the end of the school year."I don't know, just put everything we have left in the oven for a while. I'm gonna have a smoke."
Still, this was probably for the best. Even without pretzel bread and heavy salt, these hot dog bites shock the system.
It's downright unnatural to go from a greasy, saucy, cheesy pizza to a salty hunk of meat wrapped in dry bread. I'm not a maniac, so I passed on the mustard—the only dipping sauce provided.
The hot dogs didn't taste bad, necessarily, just...weird. I know what I signed up for, but still found myself thinking "Oh, shit, I guess I'm eating a hot dog now huh?"
To eliminate this awkward transition, one friend lucky enough to be receiving real-time updates suggested I try both at once. It seemed natural, but before this product had probably only been attempted in rare mixed-food eating competitions.
The bold combo wasn't really my thing. I prefer to get the full taste of each by eating them separately. Still, I can see how one might employ that strategy with success.
Two drawbacks I wasn't expecting: temperature and slice. Apparently the dogs get cold before the pizza does. I don't want to bore you with a physics lesson, but that's just science.
We also run into a situation where a dog is cut in half by accident, in which case you're left with an exposed chunk of fake meat as your handle. Good times!
Hot Dogs Bites: B-
Should You Try It?
Only if you love state fairs as much as you hate yourself. Me personally? I have no desire to eat this pizza again.
If my dog Griffin were still alive, most of the hot dog bites would have made their way to the floor for him. He'd probably sniff a little, lick one of the bites into his mouth, chew for a bit, tilt his head to the side, look at me, swallow, then pause before deciding to leave the rest for the fleas.
(Side note I ate almost all of it.)