'Fifty Shades of Grey' Soundtrack: The Definitive Rankings*

The Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack is among the great works of our time and should be treated as such. With twelve worthy candidates, choosing a favorite child would probably be easier than singling out the top song from this soundtrack. But I tried anyway.

1 ) Salted Wound, Sia

I won't even pretend to know half the words here. But please believe I can sing along from start to finish.

That's actually part of the beauty of this song. As Sia picks and chooses what consonants are necessary to get her point across, you're left dreaming in a wonderland of love and happiness.

But make no mistake, this is not simply a "love song." It is actually love, the emotion, and everything it encapsulates. Anyone who has ever truly fallen for someone is free to answer the question "What's it like?" by referencing this Sia song.

P.S. Imagine a screwed and chopped version of this track. Time itself might actually slow down to keep pace with the lyrics.

 

2 ) Love Me Like You Do, Ellie Goulding

For as long as women have been falling in love, this has been the song playing in their head the entire time. Ellie Goulding is just the first artist worthy of recording it for the rest of us to hear.

This girl is so in love she is literally losing control of her body. You need to take her hand and walk her through the process. There are no other options. She simply can't handle it.

 

3 ) Earned It, The Weeknd

The Weeknd -- basically R. Kelly but with a higher raunch-to-talent ratio -- has not yet showcased mass appeal with positive anthems about flying or becoming the world's greatest. No matter -- this song is burning up the airwaves from coast to coast.

Few artists fit the mold for a Fifty Shades soundtrack quite like The Weeknd. He's kind of creepy, his videos push the limit of what's allowed on YouTube, and he often serenades women's body parts directly. Check, check and check.

That said, this song is outstanding. I don't know much about music, but I feel like all the instruments are used here, each doing exactly what it was intended to do.

 

4 ) One Last Night, Vaults

You're on the last night of a tropical vacation with your long-distance beau. It's raining outside, so you decide to play a flirty game of hide-and-seek in the villa. What song is playing as you find each other and share that long, bittersweet kiss?

This song. This song is playing.

 

5 ) Crazy In Love (2014 Remix), Beyoncé

We don't call what's happened to Meg Ryan a "remix," so we probably shouldn't say that about this song, which is completely different from the original.

Here, Bey covers her 2003 smash, repackaging the lyrics for a new generation of fans who prefer steamy movies to dancy music videos. Mission accomplished.

 

6 ) Where You Belong, The Weeknd

Okay Weeknd, you need to relax. You're scaring us. For real you've gone to far. I want no part of this. Is that the Inception noise?

There's some lyrical depth here, which I don't really care about. But if this is to be an honest-to-goodness music review, I suppose we should take a look at a bar:

I'm always numb to the topic of loving / I fell in love with the subject of sin

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Weeknd and Christian Grey are dang near the same person, you guys!

 

7 ) Undiscovered, Laura Welsh

What lies behind Christian Grey's steely exterior? Underneath the expensive suits, flashy cars, and soulless eyes? Someone named Laura Welsh explores this topic and more on "Undiscovered."

 

8 ) I Know You, Skylar Grey

Shout out to Skylar Grey for staying active even though she can probably live off the royalties from NBA teams' montage videos for players they've reacquired.

On most other soundtracks, this would be the signature song. Instead, it's just another great one in the murderer's row. Word to Chris Bosh.

 

9 ) Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix), Beyoncé

""If it ain't broke, don't fix it." - Ancient American Proverb" - me if I ever see Michael Diamond on the street

The idea here is great, but the execution leaves much to be desired.

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Other songs worth celebrating annually: Meet Me In The Middle, Jessie Ware; I'm On Fire, AWOLNATION; I Put A Spell On You, Annie Lennox

* Please check back often because these rankings will change daily for all eternity.

MusicTim Kennedy Jr.