The 2016 Golden Globes Recapped By Someone Who Doesn't Watch Most of This Stuff

Last year, I consumed fewer television shows and movies than any other year of my life, so obviously this was the perfect time to sit through the three-hour Golden Globe Awards. tl; dr: Alicia Vikander is pretty.

Monologue

Ricky Gervais is apparently still the host, and the show’s logo is the only reason I know it’s not a replay.

It seems to me the best GG hosts have a positive rapport with the audience, since it’s the only awards show where most everyone in the room is sloppy drunk. Ricky’s roast shtick created waves the first time…then the second…now fourth? Might as well go all-in and just play old Greg Geraldo clips in between presentations.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

Rocky start to the awards with Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill forgetting this is on TV and saying stuff that apparently needs extended, consistent censorship.

Kate Winslet won for her role in one of the Steve Jobs movies. Listen you can’t expect me to keep track of all these Steve Jobs movies. Way above my pay grade.

 Hey, listen. You knew winning was at least  possible .   Source.

Hey, listen. You knew winning was at least possible. Source.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

 "Okay, you dress like a young Lorraine McFly and I'll squeeze into the movie-worn valet outfit from  Ghostbusters ." - Rock, probably

"Okay, you dress like a young Lorraine McFly and I'll squeeze into the movie-worn valet outfit from Ghostbusters." - Rock, probably

I can barely remember the name of this award, let alone the winner. Moving on.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Apparently comedies have been given a seat at the little kid’s table, which is slightly better than not being forced to go to the boring dinner in the first place.

Someone named Rachel Bloom won this award for her role in “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”. She then proceeded to give a rambling speech that was – fingers crossed – in character.

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy

In the first of many tragic omissions, Season 2 of "The Office" was not nominated for this award even though it, like "Orange is the New Black", is also on Netflix. Unreal lack of awareness from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association on this one.

Of course, like we all predicted, "Mozart in the Jungle" took home the big prize. Even after they announced the winner, I still wasn’t sure this show actually existed, and will probably forget about it completely by the time I proofread this post. (Note to self: don’t delete this paragraph.)

Before the next award, Gervais introduces Matt Damon by referencing Ben Affleck’s adulterous ways and The Martian’s absurd categorization as a “comedy”. Easily one of the best awkward moments of the night.

Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Wolf Hall continues my streak of being wholly unfamiliar with the winners tonight. And if distance from the stage is any indication of probability of winning, then this one was certainly an upset.

I also appreciated the British guy’s speech about ensuring the future of BBC. He had me ready to go to war in the name of nature documentaries.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Once again I have no dog in this fight, so I was really just hoping David Oyelowo would be able to take the stage and show off this beautiful getup:

 More like David OyeloWOW! Copyright Tim Kennedy 2016.   Source.

More like David OyeloWOW! Copyright Tim Kennedy 2016. Source.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

These award names are bit preposterous, are they not? “Supporting Actor – TV” would do just fine. Just my take.

Christian Slater won for "Mr. Robot", who cares never seen the show way too scared of the main character sorry.

Best Original Score - Motion Picture

Major clerical error here as Friday Night Lights wasn’t nominated for this one. Golden Globes losing a lot of credibility in the eyes of yours truly.

Presenter Jamie Foxx nearly ruins the moment for the actual winners with his Straight Outta Compton/”Steve Harvey getting it wrong” bit. But I'm more concerned with my personal enjoyment, so I'd say it was worth it.

"Winner" Quentin Tarantino came in hot with some colorful language and incorrect statements. That’s about as much as you can ask from three minutes of discussion about dramatic background noise.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Drama

Honestly, I know I’m late to the party here, but this guy would look less creepy if you Photoshopped his eyes and turned them upside down.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

No jokes to be made here, as Matt Damon displayed the kind of passion and sincerity that made us fall in love with him back in the We Bought a Zoo days.

Stellar banter writing followed during a moment specifically designed to cull hashtags and emojis from as many female Twitter users as possible.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

My personal favorite moment of the night. How can you not get goosebumps as Rocky comes up to accept his first Golden Globe in 40 years?

 Believe it or not, this bit was a disaster.   Source.

Believe it or not, this bit was a disaster. Source.

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Aaron Sorkin doing his best impression of the assistant to the vice president of your local country club getting to run a board meeting for the first time because the big dog is on vacation.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Aziz may have won the screenshot competition, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t disclose my Unpopular Opinion here: Master of None isn’t very good! It’s like Louis C.K. took his depressing show and mixed it with all the millennial things Drunk Uncle complains about. No thank you.

Best Foreign Language Film

I got nothing from this segment, other than Ken Jeong and Kevin Hart are short. 

Here's a good joke:

Best Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie

Gaga's extremely rehearsed "I'm so surprised" speech was overshadowed by the night's best moment:

Best Original Song - Motion Picture

Try this thought experiment on for size: If “Love Me Like You Do” is the second-best song on the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack, while also being the best song in American history, how could it possibly bow to any other work created for a movie?

That’s exactly what happened here, with Sam Smith taking the prize for what I assume is some sort of Paul Walker tribute in the latest Bond film.

Next, Ricky Gervais introduces Mel Gibson, complete with fresh new jokes about:

  • Alcohol
  • Jewish people
  • *BONUS* Bill Cosby!

Nailed it.

Best Television Series - Drama

They might as well change this category to “Oh My God, You Don’t Watch ____?!? – Drama”! Lol people are smug.

Already forgot who win this award, because what happened next altered the course of my life forever.

For many years, decades even, the proprietors of this website have engaged in heated discussions over which actor is the best and most accomplished of his generation: Tom Hanks or Denzel Washington

“Hanks is so versatile,” I’d say. “He was convincing as a character from a country that doesn’t exist! Denzel is the same guy in every movie.”

“Denzel has so many blockbusters, and he plays roles no one else can play. Tom Hanks sucks.”

On and on this went, from puberty to fatherhood. On Sunday night at the 2016 Golden Globe Awards, the argument came to a sudden, jarring halt:

Whether he knew it or not, by agreeing to present Denzel with some sort of lifetime achievement award, he was ending our long-standing dispute. Tom Hanks handed Denzel Washington an award for being the best actor alive.” It’s the ultimate trump card, and one of the saddest moments of my life.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Jennifer Lawrence, fully aware of her "omg we'd be best friends in real life" reputation among both females and males, disappoints us all with a genuine, heartfelt message to some director guy idk it wasn't me so I stopped listening.

Here's a v. good Maggie Gyllenhall joke, originally tweeted by Dave Holmes:

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

A lot of hullabaloo here with The Martian being placed in this category for what appears to be no reason.

But look deeper. Can you even think of a worthy replacement for that space drama? Seriously, try to name a comedy from 2015. You can’t. Four of the thirteen highest-grossing comedies last year ended in ‘2’. For heaven’s sake, gang, one of the nominees was Spy!

While we’re roasting this group, can we all agree LeBron James was the best part of Trainwreck? We get it, you date lots of guys and party a lot. Would it kill you to add a little depth to the character? Maybe show a different side of yourself, like the virtuoso thespian LeBron James? Not impressed.

Anyway, The Martian won, and Ridley Scott was stoked out of his mind:

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama

GIRL FROM 21 JUMP STREET HOW *YOU* DOIN’?

 Brie Larson with a fan.   Source.

Brie Larson with a fan. Source.

No but seriously, great job Ms. Larson and I very much respect your work. I’m a sucker for those insane captivity stories, so it stands to reason that I would enjoy paying money to see a fake one played out on a huge screen. I’m in.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Here I was thinking they cut all the speeches short to reserve time to Leonardo di Caprio. Not the case! They played Leo off like he was some sort of third-class penniless artist with no hope of rising from peasantry into stardom! Outrageous.

Also: Will Smith! I was wondering what he was doing here. Everything good with fatherhood and all that?

Best Motion Picture – Drama

The Revenant, which, according to my Facebook feed, “sucks” and “is bad”, takes home the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture. Expect the Eight Screens review a few months after it hits Netflix. 

What did you think of this post? 'Cause Michael Shannon can't get enough. |ES|

Tim