Counterpoint: Dippin' Dots *Are* The Ice Cream Of The Future

New White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (pronounced like the derogatory term for drivers of modified Honda Civics around the time the first Fast & Furious came out, but with 'sp' at the front instead of 'r') had quite a debut Saturday, angrily scolding reporters for comparing photos of President Trump's inauguration to similar images from Barack Obama's ceremony. "No one has any numbers," Spicer said. Then, despite not having any numbers, he said, "This was the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period."

 Loyal  Rimcast  listeners can expect us to re-purpose our oft-used phrase “period” in future episodes. | AP Photo/Alex Brandon

Loyal Rimcast listeners can expect us to re-purpose our oft-used phrase “period” in future episodes. | AP Photo/Alex Brandon

But the most upsetting falsehood peddled by this man has nothing to do with conspiracy theories about crowd sizes, misleading poll numbers, or even the new President. It’s his slanderous years-long war on Dippin’ Dots.

SIR.

(Just so we’re clear, the availability of a particular Dippin’ Dots flavor at a baseball stadium is unrelated to the product’s status as the ice cream of the future.)

The thing about the future, Sean, is that it hasn't happened yet. There is no timetable for the future. As long as both Dippin' Dots and time both exist, the claim will remain valid. (- Rim deGrasse Tyson) Plus, astronauts eat Dippin' Dots in space. Even though that's not true, the fact that you believed it just now certifies DDs as permanently futuristic.

Mr. Press Secretary, if a smoldering, unrecognizable hellscape is in future, as many fear, then Dippin' Dots are well-positioned to outlast traditional ice cream, what with its flimsy packaging and low surface area-to-volume ratio. If not, then I suppose we can just keep enjoying the shit out of super cold balls of ice cream at minor league baseball games and think about all the endless possibilities the future holds. |ES|