College Football Week 6 Roundup: Steak Coupons And Water Slides

Live from Dagobah, it's the College Football Week 5 Roundup!

Part of the reason college football is so entertaining is because the participants are teenagers and young adults who are years from perfecting their craft. Mistakes and blunders are part of the deal. Take these kids and make them play in a swap? Well that's a glorious thing.

And a great time was had by all.

Good Day/Bad Day

Good Day: Navy!

The only way to retain favor among college football fans after defeating our sweet darling Houston is to have a bunch of fun doing it. Here's coach Ken Niumatalolo reacting the same way I did when I found out I graduated college despite missing a macroeconomics midterm second semester senior year:

Here's Linnell Bonner resisting every urge to clothesline one of these sailor dorks:

You know you're an underdog when your administrators cancel classes scheduled for two days later.

Bad Day: Rutgers

I really wanted to be the first person to make the "Birthplace (and Death Place) of College Football" joke, but alas, I am not

To say Rutgers had a bad day would be an insult to Earth's orbit around the sun. In 60 minutes of "football," the Scarlet Knights managed 35 total yards and a clean 0% third down efficiency. If you gave Rutgers two and a half minutes to score as many touchdowns as possible from their own 20 yard line without any defenders on the field, they'd probably still lose by two scores. Eleven unanswered touchdowns would not be enough to win.

Be advised: The numbers below are extremely nsfw.

Read that again. This football team has as many yards in the last two games as they have points allowed. That's some Neil deGrasse Tyson statistics shit.

Not only has Rutgers devolved into a national embarrassment the likes of which the East Coast has never seen, they did so in front of 200 potential recruits. That is an elementary school gym filled with teenagers who will can't unsee such an atrocity.

Good Day: Washington Huskies

The best way to repay a bully for a decade of abuse is to dominate them so thoroughly that their own families pretend they don't exist:

Good Day: Charlie Strong, Texas head coach

Maybe you, dear reader, have a great job with great compensation. Could even your dream job! But deep down, you know it's not the right fit. You hate your boss, and everyone criticizes your every move, coworkers or otherwise. You want to be happy, but you're not. And you know it will never work. 

Now imagine your boss will pay you a large lump sum to skip work tomorrow ... and every day thereafter. That's Charlie Strong's situation.

Since the "Texas Is Back!" win against Notre Dame opening weekend, the Longhorns have beaten UTEP ... and no one else. The only question now is whether or not Strong survives the season. Probably best for both parties if he doesn't.

ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit has some thoughts on the culture at Texas:

Bad Day: Joey Julius, Penn State punter

Some real tough guys are out there on special teams. Two weeks in a row, special teamers have deemed it necessary to try and separate the kicker from his shoulder. ""Fall down seven times, stand up eight." - Dwyane Wade" - Penn State's kicker

Good Day: Kevin Sumlin, Texas Tech head coach

Cool Guy Kevin Sumlin is well aware that Tennessee has been terrorizing the country with absurd ridiculous comebacks every week.

  • Virginia Tech: Trailed 14-0, won 45-24
  • Florida: Trailed 21-0, won 38-28
  • Georgia: Trailed 17-0, won 34-31

The Aggies' 14-point halftime lead may as well have been a vote for Gary Johnson (worthless, fyi).

Bad Day: Ruth's Chris Steak House in Ann Arbor

Full disclosure: I've never been to a Ruth's Chris. I feel like Colin Cowherd used to sing its praises back when he had a radio show. They Google images look amazing, plus they have a "U.S. PRIME" stamp on their logo, so you know it's the good stuff.

Anyway, RC (I call it RC) in Ann Arbor ran a little promotion for the Wolverines' game against Rutgers. Customers would receive a percentage discount equal to the final point differential. Not just during lunch hours on the next day, but for the next four entire days. 

This is quite possibly the biggest blunder in marketing history.

Michigan won 78-0, but the restaurant kind of back off the deal and institutes a cap of 50% after the fact. 

Good Day: Brad Kaaya's dentist

Molars are big money. Kaaya's Miami dentist's mistress is for sure ordering an extra bottle of wine at Palme d’Or this weekend.

Bad Day, as always: Nick Saban, Alabama head coach

Bad Day: Bill Bedenbaugh, Oklahoma OL coach

Folks, the national discourse has deteriorated to the point where football coaches are now swearing in public. Unacceptable!

... actually after one look at the guy, it's pretty acceptable. Don't make eye contact for too long, he'll burn a hole in your soul.

Heisman Watch!

7) Leonard Fournette, LSU RB

Derick E. Hingle / USA TODAY Sports

Derick E. Hingle / USA TODAY Sports

Leonard's been off our TV screens for a few weeks, so he automatically plummets because that's how Heisman rankings work. But really, Fournette should probably stop playing college football games altogether. The insurance policies are nice, but it's best to avoid the fine print entirely and float comfortably to the NFL Draft.

6) Greg Ward Jr., Houston QB



Houston's loss to Navy puts them out of the national spotlight until the Cougars' showdown with Lousiville in five weeks. After this three-turnover game, the only way Ward will get an invite to NYC would be if he outplays Lamar Jackson on that Thursday night. And no one does that, so.

5) Jabrill Peppers, Michigan LB/S/KR/maybe RB

Getty Images

Getty Images

The case for Jabrill Peppers will not be made by numbers, but rather by "holy shit" moments, which were plentiful in his one half of play against Rutgers.

Holy shit.

4) J.T. Barrett, Ohio State QB

Marvin Fong, The Plain Dealer

Marvin Fong, The Plain Dealer

Barrett was rancid on Saturday. Usually a sub-100-yard game is enough to diminish the Heisman hopes of any quarterback, but Ohio State has a handful of soft opponents (including Michigan State!) sandwiched by huge games against Wisconsin and Michigan. Leaving Jim Harbaugh's mouth agape at your greatness could be worth several first-place votes.

3) Jake Browning, Washington QB



So we didn't include Jake Browning on this list last week. We probably should have! Not sure why we didn't, maybe we couldn't find a good photo idk.

But Jake is here now, and he's brought 23 touchdowns and just two interceptions with him. The Huskies disposed of two mortal nemeses in back-to-back weeks, and have a good shot to finish the regular season undefeated. Jake Browning will be a Heisman finalist.*

* I thought LSU was going to win the national title, just to give you a baseline for the quality of my guarantees.

2) Deshaun Watson, Clemson QB

Getty Images / Jim Rogash

Getty Images / Jim Rogash

Nothing to see here. Just another four touchdowns and no picks on 266 yards. He's as good a quarterback as any, and will make for a great fantasy player one day (unless you play college fantasy, in which case wyd man), but Watson's spectacular quotient is still, and will remain, quite a ways behind Lamar's.

1) Lamar Jackson, Louisiville QB

Louisville was on a bye, so Lamar Jackson didn't play. It was for sure the saddest thing that happened in America the weekend of October 7, 2016.

Plays of the Week

Adoree' Jackson jumps high and lands softly. He has taken up permanent residence in this portion of the roundup. He is spectacular.

This would-be touchdown from Mark Walton was called back because you *have* to crack down on holding when it occurs far away from the play.

Future generations of football players will evolve to have six-inch thick skulls, steel lower extremities, and only one arm. Two no longer seems to be necessary.

Catch --> hit --> over the back --> off the foot --> diving interception.

Oregon State botched a snap, then ran it in for a touchdown in overtime to beat Cal.

Michael Badgley made 40 of 40 extra points last season, and up until last night, 27 straight to start off 2016. So you can understand his shock after FSU's DeMarcus Walker preserved a one-point victory with this block.

The Florida State-Miami rivalry is BACK, mostly because the Seminoles have a low-ish number by their name when they probably shouldn't. |ES|