College Football Week 5 Roundup: Twenty Minutes Of Mayhem

At their insane best, college football Saturdays rival the wildest NCAA tournament opening rounds you can remember. This has never been more evident than it was for twenty minutes on Saturday afternoon.

5:55 PM CT

Late in this classic Big Ten match-up (that is, the total score is divisible by both 3 and 7), Wisconsin faced a 4th and 10 pinned against their own goal line. It was their last breath, and Jourdan Lewis snatched the oxygen from the room before they could finish inhaling.

Like all 11-year-olds in 1997, I studied David Blaine: Street Magic frame-by-frame with the full intention of supplanting him in the magic game and/or incorporating wizardry into my finishing move as a pro wrestler in WCW. "Levitation" was the glamour move, but seemed impossible to achieve.

Jourdan Lewis achieved human levitation on Saturday, and caught a football one-handed while doing it. America's got talent.

6:02 PM CT

This is UNC kicker Nick Weiler. He missed an extra point after the Tar Heels' go-ahead touchdown late in the fourth quarter against 12th-ranked Florida State.

The Seminoles scored, of course, and grabbed a one-point lead. Mitch Trubisky pulled the boys to within field goal range, and Weiler had a chance to redeem himself.

For three hours, humongous men in maroon jerseys smashed heads and jostled arms with their peers in white, likely shortening their lifespans. Then this little shit swings his leg one time and owns them all with the most disrespectful tomahawk chop since ... well every tomahawk chop is super disrespectful when you think about it but you get what I'm saying. 

6:08 PM CT

Rare is the game that forces both teams to experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Jawjuh-Tinnisee was one such game.

First, Georgia's Jacob Eason fires a perfect 47-yard touchdown to take a 31-28 lead with just ten seconds left.

6:14 PM CT

Six minutes later, Josh Dobbs launched a true Hail Mary with Tennessee's playoff hopes on the line.

A finish for the ages! I think Verne Lundquist's heart may have actually stopped for about ten seconds. But the best part of this chaos is, without question, this Gergia fan's celebration and subsequent existential crisis. God bless the SEC.


Good Day/Bad Day

Good Day: College Football Fans!!!

Shout out to whoever fanned out those tortilla chips. Hell of a job.

Shout out to whoever fanned out those tortilla chips. Hell of a job.

Wow sports fans! What a weekend. Three games featuring matchups of top ten teams, the mayhem mentioned above, and Lamar Jackson vs. Deshaun Watson at Death Valley. Heck yeah, guys! Let's hear it for sports, huh?!

Good Day: Cajun Ed Orgeron

Getty Images

Getty Images

After more than a decade of tumult and ecstasy, LSU finally pulled the plug on their roller coaster relationship with Les Miles. Interim head coach Ed Orgeron, whose head looks like seventy old footballs were put in a trash compactor then used as the mold to create leather helmets, is probably not going to be at LSU next year. But he's comforting, a good listener during a maelstrom for the program.

In two losses to Wisconsin and Auburn, the Tigers averaged fewer than 300 yards of total offense. Even without Leonard Fournette, Coach O and the boys amassed 634 total yards against Missouri — the most ever in an SEC game.

In Ed's world, Mondays are about tellin' the truth. Right now, that's just what LSU needs.

Bad Day: Iowa, again

This is not a normal "refs made a bad call" reaction. This is the reaction of a student section that knows, deep down, that their children will witness a Kirk Ferentz-led Hawkeye team lose at home to Northwestern.

Good Night: Mack Brown

Huge victory for the Olds here. Mack needed to "leave the Toledo-BYU game" and "get back to Connecticut" because he had to "work the next morning." But he was probably just tired. Somewhere Tony Kornheiser is hitting himself for not pulling this move during his MNF days.

Bad Day: Penn State's Brick Shithouse Kicker Joey Julius



At 5'10" and 270 pounds, boss man Joey Julius is the rare kicker who can lay some serious wood. He's certainly not accustomed to being on the business end of a massive hit. Minnesota's Jaylen Waters decided to change that.

Good Day: UNLV fans in need of a shower

People forget Kansas City is the City of Fountains. But Las Vegas has some cool ones too! Well mostly just the Bellagio.

But now Sin City can add this gorgeous attraction to the fountain brochure:

Bad Day: Fourth-string Miami (OH) quarterback Noah Wezensky

Noah wyd man

Good Day: Tom Herman

LSU fired Les Miles. Charlie Strong is on the hot seat at Texas a month after "resurrecting the program." After this season, two of the most powerful and win-hungry programs in the country will be in the market for a hot shot young coach with an eye-popping resume.

Enter Tom Herman.

Bad Day: Officials in the Michigan-Wisconsin game

Not only does Jim Harbaugh create a hostile work environment, he throws weird shit out their for you to officiate. Like this layup line.

Imagine Jim Harbaugh as your co-worker. The kind of guy who takes the coffee maker out of the break room and plugs it in at his desk. A guy who yells at you for showing up a few minutes late to the team bonding event at the ropes course. The guy who rests one hand on his hip while at the urinal, walks out without washing either, and barks at you for stopping at the sink. "YOU AFRAID OF SOME FUCKIN' GERMS? HUH? GERMS GOT YOU SCARED?"

Good Day: C.J. Beathard

Great punt, kid! Hawkeye fans only have about 700 more of these until Ferentz considers retirement. Savor them while you can.

Bad Day: Lamar Jackson's windpipe

It's like Dan Patrick used to say: "You can't stop Lamar Jackson, you can only hope to contain the airflow through his windpipe by violently crushing his larynx on live national television."

For his part, Clemson linebacker Ben Boulware apologized: "“If he thought it was a dirty play, I apologize. I didn’t intend for it to be that way. I was just grabbing onto something and trying to pull him back, whatever that may be. I don’t think he took it to heart.”

Ben, my man, he most definitely took it to heart.

Heisman Watch

9) Myles Garrett, Texas A&M DE

Stacy Revere

Stacy Revere

Garrett was sidelined this week with a leg injury, but if he shuts down Josh Dobbs and the Cardiac Volunteers, *he could creep onto some respectable lists. (This list is not respectable, FYI.)

* You like that little "cardiac" deal? It's something with the heart, I think. Little thing I do, add "cardiac" to a team name when they have crazy endings. Just havin' some fun over here, don't mind me.  - Diabetic Rim

8) Leonard Fournette, LSU RB

Stacy Revere / Getty Images

Stacy Revere / Getty Images

Another hurt guy. Leonard stood idly on the sidelines as LSU whomped Missouri, but with Coach O Mania sweeping the Bayou, it would be unwise to count out a man as talented as Lennid.

7) Jabrill Peppers, Michigan LB/S/KR/maybe RB

Leon Halip / Getty Images

Leon Halip / Getty Images

No sacks, no tackles for loss, no interceptions, no touchdowns this week. Don't really care, he's bound to have a game with all of those things, and thus he remains on the list.

6) Mitch Trubisky, North Carolina, QB



Here's your "'Look at his numbers!' 'Yeah, but..." candidate, aka Joey Harrington.

Lamar Jackson: 1625 yards, 14 TD, 4 INT, 59.4%
Deshaun Watson: 1302 yards, 14 TD, 7 INT, 60.8%
Mitch Trubisky: 1711 yards, 13 TD, 0 INT, 76%

Lamar is far more spectacular, Deshaun is a known quantity with signature wins on his resume, but Mitch is hangin' around, hangin' around...

5) Christian McCaffrey, Stanford RB

Associated Press

Associated Press

Folks, Starbucks should start selling coffee in jars because the Washington Huskies completely bottled up Christian McCaffrey this weekend! And they're in Seattle, so.

4) J.T. Barrett, Ohio State QB

Getty Images

Getty Images

Barrett continues to quietly go about his business. His four passing touchdowns against Rutgers put him on top of Ohio State's all-time list, so if anything he'll get an invite to New York on the merits of his career achievements alone. But yeah he's too boring to win. My advice is to start using the "IV" suffix with your name. Adds prestige.

3) Deshaun Watson



Veteran Heisman move from Deshaun this weekend. Toss three picks so your 18-point lead evaporates, that way you can lead the comeback charge on your home turf and talk to Tom Rinaldi as security guards hold back the mob of fans on the field. Vintage Deshaun.

2) Greg Ward Jr., Houston QB

Brett Coomer / Houston Chronicle

Brett Coomer / Houston Chronicle

With five relatively easy games between now and Houston's showdown with Louisville on November 17, Ward will likely have to do his best Stephen Curry impression and rack up a game's worth of stats in just three quarters. A career-high 389 yards and five touchdowns Thursday night against UConn is a very good start.

1) Lamar Jackson, Louisiville QB

Rainier Ehrhardt / The Associated Press

Rainier Ehrhardt / The Associated Press

Great list so far! But also, what's the point? Lamar Jackson is the modern-day Jim Thorpe if Jim Thorpe focused only on football. His numbers—interceptions be damned—will be staggering at the end of the season, and his highlight reel will be one for the ages. Not even a Sanchez butt fumble could bump him from the top spot.

Plays of the Week

Houston's Linell Bonner had a nice one-handed touchdown grab, if you're impressed by that sort of thing. (More of a two-hands guy myself.)

Oklahoma State blocked three of Texas' extra points. This is the best one because it features a big dude and then lateraling.

Also in this game:

Jalen Hurd failed to look both ways before crossing the goal line. Young receivers (definitely a bunch of 17-year-old wideouts reading this, right?), take note.

Ever since Johnny Football left the Big 12 has been kind of lame. Here's Baylor beating Iowa State on a last-second field goal after the Cyclones foolishly tried to prevent them from scoring at all.

Finally, some clips from the Clemson-Louisville game. The number one defense vs. the number one offense. Probably the only time we see Deshaun Watson vs. Lamar Jackson duel. What a treat.

It was a great night for all involved, except James Quick, who ran out of bounds before securing the first down on Louisville's last play.

... but are we being unfair to the young man? We report, you decide.

Header image: Junfu Han / The Ann Arbor News