College Football Week 3 TV Preview: Split Your Screens

After last week's dreadful matchups (with some admittedly exciting and controversial endings), college footbawl returns to it's native state this weekend, and its gonna require you to split your screens, pull up that side TV, and give your kid a couple Ambiens.*  

Below: What to watch, on which screen, and why.

MIXIN' CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH WITH PEANUT BUTTER CRUNCH, MILK ON THE SIDE

Main Screen
#2 Florida State (-1.5) at #10 Louisville
11:00 AM CT – ABC / WatchESPN

 Getty Images

Getty Images

Through 57 minutes of game time, 19-year-old Lamar Jackson’s stat line looks like something Kim Jong Il could only dream of:

37-62, 697 pass yards, 7 TD, 1 INT
318 rush yards, 9.9 AVG, 6 TD

Now them numbers!

But Louisiville ain’t played nobody PAWWWWWWWWWWWWL!

Fair, but that’s precisely why you tune in. Even without all-world safety Derwin James (out 5-7 weeks with a torn meniscus), Florida State likely represents Lamar’s toughest test of the season. (He has teammates, sure, but I like to pretend it’s Lamar vs. everybody.)

The Seminoles are still riding high after turning Ole Miss to stone in the second half of their opening weekend matchup, and boast a Heisman candidate of their own in RB Dalvin Cook blah blah blah the best athlete of all time is high school Lamar Jackson:

Split Screen
#25 Miami (-3.5) at Appalachian State
11:00 AM CT – ESPN / WatchESPN

App State hung with Tennessee in the season opener and boasts a very bad ass linebacker duo in Eric Boggs and John Law (!). Those pretty boys from Miami are in for a rude awakening if they think they can just waltz into Boone, North Carolina and have their way with the mountaineers. (Left uncapitalized because I’m not talking about the mascot I’m saying these dudes are actual mountaineers.)

Watch this game, if for no other reason than to see App State’s stadium, which is nestled so far into the woods I’m pretty sure evergreens come into play.

Side Screen
North Dakota State at #13 Iowa (No line)
11:00 AM CT – ESPN2 / WatchESPN

 tfw your grandkids will be adults before your employer can fire you so you might as well lose to North Dakota State | Thomas J. Russo-USA TODAY Sports

tfw your grandkids will be adults before your employer can fire you so you might as well lose to North Dakota State | Thomas J. Russo-USA TODAY Sports

The Wikipedia page for North Dakota State football has an entire section dedicated to current streaks, including their five consecutive FCS national championships and five straight victories over FBS opponents. NDSU's last quarterback went second overall in the NFL draft, and word is 10,000+ Bison fans will be in Kinnick Stadium takin’ arr jerbs. So, uh, yeah … this is not a gimme for Kirk and the boys.

(It’s a gimme go Hawks.)

YOU MIND IF I OPEN THE CHIPS?

Main Screen
#1 Alabama (-11) at #19 Ole Miss
2:30 PM CT – CBS/CBSsports.com

Let’s check in on defending champion Alabama, up four touchdowns against Western Kentucky with less than a minute left in the game:

Seems reasonable.

Ole Miss beat the brakes off Florida State for a whole half before remembering they’re Ole Miss and slowly conceding the game to the vastly more powerful Seminoles. That reality check, combined with Saban’s simmering anger from the past two seasons, may result in a jarring bloodbath right in front of poor Verne Lundquist.

Split Screen
#22 Oregon (+3) at Nebraska
2:30 PM CT – ABC / WatchESPN

Did you know? Nebraska head coach Mike Riley — who seems like the type of guy to put his relationship with his grandkids ahead of football lol idiot — pulled off a rare feat last year: winning a bowl game and still finishing with a losing record. In the old days they’d put you out to pasture for something like that.

Anyway, come for Oregon running back Royce Freeman, stay for the replays of Nebraska’s tribute to kicker Sam Foltz.

Side Screen
Colorado (+19.5) at #4 Michigan
2:30 PM CT – Big Ten Network / BTN2Go

Sometimes in life, you just gotta have some fun with it, you know?  This guy (aka some dude in CU’s athletic department) knows what I’m talking about!

When Michigan chose not to release a depth chart this week, my man decided to have a little fun with it, you know?

Unfortunately, having fun doesn’t win bawlgames, so Jim Harbaugh has no open space in his brain for such nonsense. Don’t be surprised if he sacrifices an actual buffalo just before the contest.

STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE FOR DESSERT (OPTIONAL)

Side Screen
Old Dominion (+23) at NC State
5:00 PM CT – ACCNExtra

Old Dominion has a football team and their helmets are pretty cool. They also have Ray Lawry, a stocky running back who is awesome.

Cue Young Thug:

Your team will probably play ODU in some junk bowl this December. Might as well get in some scouting if one if the early afternoon games gets out of hand.

NIGHT MOVES

Main Screen
#3 Ohio State (-2) at #14 Oklahoma
6:30 PM CT – FOX / FS Go

MUST-WIN ALERT!

After a stunning loss to Houston in week one, Baker Mayfield and the boys have their backs against the wall. The Sooners absolutely need to win this week, otherwise, I don’t know, life goes on I guess. It’s only sports.

Speakin’ uh Baykuh, his backup, freshman Austin Kendall, felt the need to call Ohio State’s defense “basic” and predict Mayfield will “light ’em up” on Saturday. Not smart!

Austin may not be prepared to enter the game should something happen to Mayfield on account of he’s been too busy deleting old tweets to pay attention in the film room this week.

You stupid idiot!

Split Screen
#12 Michigan State (+8) at #18 Notre Dame
6:30 PM CT – NBC / NBCSports.com

Notre Dame allowed several deep completions against Texas in their instant classic at Austin (Lawnghawn footbawl is back fyi), and will be without starting corner Shaun Crawford (torn Achilles, kind of a big deal) for the rest of the season. Mark D’Antonio will surely take advantage of this weak secondary with some kind of third quarter trick play that blows the game wide open.

The real drama surrounds upstart Notre Dame quarterback Deshone Kizer. Will his on-field performance be enough to impress his hesitant blonde? The world is watching, Deshone.

Side Screen
USC (+8.5) at #7 Stanford
7:00 PM CT – ABC / WatchESPN

USC’s Juju Smith-Schuster and Stanford’s Christian McCaffrey are two of the most electric skill position players in the country, which I suppose makes them two of the most electric players in the country period, since no one has ever referred to a lineman as “electric.” (Joe Thomas probably doesn’t even have electricity.)

Joe Tessitore (the man) and Todd Blackledge are on the call, which means the Aflac trivia question will definitely be “Who was the last quarterback drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs to start in a Chiefs victory?” We get it, Aflac. It’s Blackledge.

Also this made me cry, so.

(I was going to put LSU and that breathing Just For Men ad Les Miles in this spot, but I’d like to keep my side screen in good working order if you know what I mean.)

Wild Card
Buffalo (+11.5) at Nevada
8:00 PM CT – Mountain West Network

Buffalo plans to play two quarterbacks this weekend. Nevada is going to play three! While that’s a lot of quarterbacks, it shouldn’t distract us from the fact that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals after setting the regular season record for wins.

OWLS ONLY

Main Screen
#11 Texas (-7) at California
9:30 PM CT – ESPN / WatchESPN

PEW PEW PEW! This gon’ be a shootout, and we ain’t talkin’ water guns, APPLE.

… we’re actually talking football passes. Texas freshman Shane “Colt McCoy Plus Vince Young” Buechele can really sling the deep ball, as evidenced by this dime last week against UTEP:

Also Shane was born a year after his dad had a vasectomy which is funny and all but you gotta sue that doctor Mr. Buechele.

Cal has given up a bunch of points to two Mountain West opponents and allowed San Diego State’s Donnell Pumphrey (5’10” 180) to rush for 281 yards. So, yeah, PEW PEW PEW!

Split Screen
UCLA (-3) at BYU
9:15 PM CT – ESPN2 / WatchESPN

 Mr. Mechanics Josh Rosen has opinions about amateurism. | Getty Images

Mr. Mechanics Josh Rosen has opinions about amateurism. | Getty Images

Fabulous quarterback matchup here with UCLA’s Josh Rosen and BYU’s Taysom Hill. Rosen — a potential first overall NFL draft pick in 2018 — is liable to remove his helmet mid-drive, grab a mic and deliver a TED Talk about his indentured servitude, so I give the edge to BYU at home in the mountains.

Side Screen
Utah (-13.5) at San Jose State
9:30 PM CT – CBSSN / CBSSports.com

 They don't call it a "Holy Friendly Get-Together."

They don't call it a "Holy Friendly Get-Together."

In their opener against Tulsa, San Jose State managed just 53 rushing yards. That’s pretty terrible. But! Utah is coming off a thrilling 20-19 victory over aforementioned BYU in the Holy War, and they have a home date with USC next weekend. The Utes can't afford to look past SJSU, not in the nominally loud CEFCU? |ES|


 Header image: USA TODAY

* Ambien should be used with extreme caution in CHILDREN; safety and effectiveness in children have not been confirmed. But I mean, come on.