College Football Week 3 Roundup: Please Refrain From Shooting Lasers Onto The Field

Before we get started, just want everyone to know we will not tolerate lasers of any kind in this space. I don't know if one of you fans raided my middle school teacher's detention box and took all the confiscated laser pointers, but please refrain from shooting them onto the field. Thank you.

Good Day/Bad Day

Half the teams won, half the teams lost. But who really had a bad day? The answers may surprise you!*

* One of them is the entire state of Mississippi, so maybe not.

Bad Day: Whoever gave this concussed player an axe

Concussions: A conspiracy concocted by the liberal media to trick mothers into forcing their kids to play soccer, propping up Florida's economy with a surge in the sale of orange slices.

Try telling that to ArDarius Stewart, whose rung bell didn't stop him from twirling a goddamn axe on the sidelines during the Tide's comeback against Ole Miss.

Roll Tide.

Good Day: ESPN Announcer Adam Amin

In the history of kicks that have flown straight and true, this is quite possible the least-accurate.

Embarrassing for the kid, sure. But did you hear that call? "It's good!" For a seventh-grader, maybe.

But wait! Tha-...why that's Adam Amin's music! And he's here with a little self-deprecation! Bravo, mid-level ESPN guy whom I now really like.

Bad Day: The state of Mississippi

There are ten four-year schools with football programs in the state of Mississippi. Every last one of them lost this weekend by a combined score of idk math isn't my thing. Sad!

Good Day: Blaise Taylor, Arkansas State CB, Takeaway Champion

Arkansas State, contenders for the Sun Belt championship, have a "Takeaway Champion" belt, presumably for anyone who forces a turnover. It's great*, as is Blaise Taylor's name.

"Takeaway Champion" is something I would include this on my resume, Twitter bio, and email signature for the rest of time.

* If you don't think it's great, you're probably angry that you're not and never will be the Takeaway Champion.

Bad Day: Everyone who dropped the ball just before crossing the goal line (probably an incomplete list)

Settle in for a brief history of football players doing stupid things in and around the goal line.

In 2005, a high school-aged DeSean Jackson cartwheeled into the end zone during the U.S. Army All-American Bowl. To pull off a successful cartwheel, one needs both hands to touch the ground at some point. DeSean's lack of foresight resulted in a cool-looking fumble before the ball crossed the goal line. In a meaningless all-star game, it was amazing and funny and harmless and no one thought it would ever happen again.

Three years later, DeSean Jackson did it again in the NFL! That had to be the last time, right?

You know by now that was not the last time someone dropped the ball just before scoring a touchdown. In fact, it happens quite frequently and is completely unexplainable. 

Last week, it was Clemson's Ray-Ray McCloud:

This week, Oklahoma's Joe Mixon (he got away with it):

Cal's Vic Enwere got away with it too, and the Bears won the game as a result.

BONUS! South Carolina State's Ahmaad Harris with a brain fart of the highest order:

Is this one of those weird internet trends I don't get because I'm old? Like guzzling hand sanitizer

There is one thing we can all agree on as Americans and college football Fans: dropping the ball before scoring a touchdown is bad and dumb. It's akin to a Nascar driver jumping out the window just before crossing the finish line. No one should do it, ever.

Football teens of America: Do you think doing alcohol is cool? Do you think dropping the football is cool?

Imagine Googling your name and the first AutoComplete option is "[Your Name] drops ball." That's forever! AutoComplete is forever. You dropped the ball.

Good Day: Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz

Sure, the then-13th ranked Hawkeyes lost on a last-second field goal to FCS juggernaut North Dakota State. That stinks. But in the time it took you to read that sentence, Kirk probably banked what you make in six months and will continue to do so until your newborn is in middle school. C.R.E.A.M.

 I suppose North Dakota State had a Good Day. Idk act like you've been there before, that's my thing. |  Charlie Neibergall / Associated Press

I suppose North Dakota State had a Good Day. Idk act like you've been there before, that's my thing. | Charlie Neibergall / Associated Press

Bad Day: Kansas State coach Bill Snyder

Can't imagine the fit Bill would throw if he noticed someone glancing at their phone during his father-daughter dance as his daughter's wedding. "IT'S A LACK OF CONCENTRATION IS WHAT IT IS! A LACK OF RESPECT!"

Tough Day: Lee Corso

Old Man Corso played at Florida State and coached as Louisiville. I think he almost cried trying to make his pick.

During the game, ol' Lee was wandering around on the sidelines like Roberta Sparrow. Considering how often spry cameramen get railroaded near the sidelines, maybe not the best idea?

Heisman Watch

1) Lamar Jackson, Louisiville QB

The big games against nobodies to start the season were fun ("He's on pace for 80 touchdowns!!!1"), but five touchdowns in a 63-20 win over #2 Florida State made this really real.

According to some experts, he's actually five times better than Michael Vick. 

Most of us now watch Lamar Jackson like he's a close personal friend whom we also drafted to our fantasy team. I get irrationally angry when he hands it off near the end zone.

With a good balance of stat-padding cupcakes and big-stage matchups left on the schedule, Lamar could have bonkers numbers and plenty of Heisman moments by season's end.

2) Christian McCaffrey, Stanford RB

After last year's explosion, it seems The Media (aka guys who call sports highlights for a living) wants McCaffrey to win. After all, when they were our age, men played more than one position. None of this coddling and specialty shit. Strap on the plastics and play ball.

3) J.T. Barrett, Ohio State QB

 Kevin Jairaj | USA TODAY Sports

Kevin Jairaj | USA TODAY Sports

Lost in the euphoria of Louisville's dismantling of Florida State was Ohio State's similar undressing of Oklahoma, who may very well cancel the rest of their games after dropping to 1-2. 

Barrett's signatures are efficiency and steadiness amidst a completely new set of teammates on offense. His lack of spectacular plays may keep him off the cover of Sports Illustrated, but six weeks from now you'll look at his numbers for an undefeated Ohio State and think, "oh shit J.T. Barrett's kind of killing it."

4) Greg Ward Jr., Houston QB

 Joe Robbins / Getty Images

Joe Robbins / Getty Images

One way to build your case for the Heisman is to play through obvious pain. Ward's shoulder injury kept him out of action against Lamar a few weeks ago, but his two fourth-quarter rushing touchdowns buried Cincinnati in their AAC opener. Tough. Gutsy. Gritty.

Cool Guy Coach Tom Herman said Ward's arm would have to have been "hanging off" for him to come out of the game. So basically as long as Ward's arm is attached to his body, he's a Heisman contender.

5) Deshaun Watson, Clemson QB

Clemson ain't really played nobody Pawl, but the reason Deshaun still ranks among the top five contenders is because of the huge opportunities that lie ahead: Thursday night vs. Georgia Tech on national TV and then the next week against (gasp) Louisville, the Big Red Machine.

6) Leonard Fournette, LSU RB

Expectations were so high for Lennid Fawnette heading into this season that 147 yards and two touchdowns against Mississippi State seems like a disappointment. He'll have plenty of big stages to make statements yet this season, and if his candidacy bores you, please consider this:

7) Jabrill Peppers, Michigan LB/S/KR/maybe RB

If this race turns into a runaway for Lamar Jackson — and we believe it will — then Peppers may get a courtesy invite to NYC. Little h/t to defense if you know what I mean.

Peppers single-handedly kept Michigan's playoff hopes alive after falling into a hole against Colorado to the tune of nine tackles, one sack, one hurry, 3.5 tackles for loss, four punt returns for 99 yards, two kick returns for 81 yards, two carries for 12 yards, and a game-sealing punt return touchdown. Those would be good stats for the entire team of Northwestern Wildcats!

8) Donnel Pumphrey, San Diego State RB

Every year there seems to be a tiny running back from a either a directional school or a college with "State" after the name of a city to lead the country in rushing. 2016 is no different, with 5'9, 180-pound Donnell Pumphrey — whose family name is very likely the result of a typo in the early 1800s — leading the nation with 199.7 average yards per game. 

Last week, Pumphrey pumped out (had to do it) 281 yards and three touchdowns against Cal, and tacked on 220 yards and three more TDs against Northern Illinois.

If you don't think he's a legitimate Heisman contender, just ask this poor kid:

 Mike DiNovo/USA Today Sports

Mike DiNovo/USA Today Sports

Best Plays From Week 3

LSU WR D.J. Chark

Cal WR Chad Hansen 

Ohio State WR Noah Brown with best catch of all time

We end with this College GameDay sign, which may not be the wittiest in history, but is certainly among the most well-executed.


Header image: Jamie Rhodes / USA TODAY Sports

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