College Football Week 13 Roundup: Kissing Verne Lundquist
The best way to calculate the enormity of a sporting contest is to take the average age of the fans who rushed the field/court and multiply that by the number of hours you spent watching the game. Judging by the photo below, Saturday's Michigan-Ohio State game deserves its own 30 For 30.
With the win, Ohio State likely punched its ticket to the Playoff, increasing our chances of seeing a dejected Urban Meyer eat pizza alone. Fingers crossed.
Good Day/Bad Day
Good Day: Coach O, the guy LSU always wanted, maybe
If ever your boss questions your value to the company, or asks you to name your three biggest accomplishments in the last six months, just show up to his or her office with a big ass binder filled with color-coded dividers and line graphs mostly pointing upward.
The Thanksgiving night rumors of Tom Herman accepting an offer from LSU turned out to be false, probably blown smoke from Texas boosters to light a fire under AD Mike Perrin. With no other hot-shot candidates worthy of consideration, only one man was left standing.
By the skin of his teeth, Ed Orgeron is still the head football coach at LSU. Geaux Tigers. God bless America.
Bad Day: Miss Arizona
Watch and learn, kids. This is a little something called "the long game."
Arizona quarterback Brandon Dawkins "accidentally" ran into Miss Arizona on the sidelines, lingered for a bit to chat, then returned to apologize on-camera while she was being interviewed.
Safe to say the plan worked:
That's going to make one hell of a "how your mommy and daddy met" story.
Chelsea did get trucked by a football player though, so yeah, bad day overall.
Good Day: Inebriated Fans at the Apple Cup
This is not a stock photo result for "poor behavior at a sporting event." Presumably, a Washington State fan tossed this perfectly good flask onto the field at some point during the Cougars' demolition.
Good Day: Colorado
Two years ago, the Buffs were 2-10 with zero conference wins. This weekend they won the Pac-12 South, finishing 10-2 with losses to two current top-10 teams in Michigan and USC. It's Mike MacIntyre's fourth year, and a good example of why schools should stick with coaches for at least that long (ahem, Texas).
Wait, Could Lamar Jackson Actually Lose The Heisman?
Jackson struck the pose in a game-tying touchdown, then lost the fumble in the photo above, opening the door for Kentucky's game-winning field goal and genuine speculation about his grip on the Heisman. With four turnovers, it was Lamar's worst game of the season.
But the question becomes, who replaces him at the top of the list? There are almost a dozen "hey, maybe this guy" guys — Dalvin Cook, Dede Westbrook, Deshaun Watson, D'Onta Foreman, Baker Mayfield, Donnel Pumphrey, Jalen Hurts, Jabrill Peppers, Jonathan Allen, Christian McCaffrey, Jake Browning, Adoree' Jackson. And you know what they say: If you have 12 Heisman contenders, then you have none.
Late-season struggles aside, Lamar Jackson should win the Heisman unanimously. He won't, because adult humans aren't always the best at voting, but to imply that another player has been more valuable or more spectacular or more better this season is silly. Jackson is top-ten in rushing yards and rushing touchdowns. He is Mason Rudolph and Dalvin Cook combined. Quit playing yourself.
Bad Kick Theatre
How do you like your terrible kicks? Super depressing or kind of fun?
Here's a sad one:
Poor kid. Did the ole "dog trying to grab a ball on a wooden floor with his paw but he doesn't have a thumb so it just slides away" kick.
How about a happy one?
Spoiler alert: I know that man. He's definitely going to return the ball to the field.
Love Hater of the Week
If you don't at least consider booing a public marriage proposal from an opposing team's fan, then your rivalry is probably meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Not only did this man heckle a couple in love, he did so proudly while facing the camera. That's a little something called doing your part.
Who Wore It Better?
Danny Kanell is the type of guy who wears dumb outfits on TV so people angrily tweet him, so this comparison serves him well.
If you don't know the guy on the right, click here for his NSFW take on Jesus and religion ya beeeyooootttch.
Things That Aren't Covered By Your Warranty, Brought To You By Skullcandy
Jim Harbaugh smashed his headset to pieces and tried to act like nothing was wrong.
At the height of Halomania, I did the same thing to my Skullcandy XBox headset, except instead of damaging it on purpose, the plastic just kind of slowly broke on its own and one ear pad hung by a thread. My impassioned email complaint to Skullcandy customer service generated an autoreply telling me I was shit out of luck. The takeaway here is, keep your cool and also don't buy Skullcandy products.
Dad-Ass Joke Of The Week
Plays of the Week
Curmudgeonly take: The pendulum has swung too far in the direction of hurdling. How many times do you see a guy stutter step and leap over an opponent only to be blasted by the next available defender shortly after landing? We get it, you can jump. Maybe throw in a spin move every now and then, keep your stride. Don't make me brush this puppy chow dust off my belly and show you how to run.
USC's Adoree' Jackson gave us an example of a very useful and spectacular hurdle against Notre Dame, easily the most impressive of his three touchdowns. Cherish this man before the Jacksonville Jaguars doom him to irrelevance.
In the first half against South Carolina, Clemson's Mike Williams had 100 yards, three touchdowns, and just zero respect for the opponent's defense I tell you what.
Here, a dude hangs off his arm:
Later, Williams survives an avalanche of SC defenders. I CALL 'EM PUTTYS 'CAUSE THEY'RE HARDLY A CHALLENGE!
Georgia went 9-3 last year and fired Mark Richt. New coach Kirby Smart started the year with a ranked team and lost to Ole Miss, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Florida, and ... Georgia Tech.
Jabrill Peppers' first career interception was cool ...
... but this four-tip interception was cooler.
Reminds me of the time I almost dropped my little side box of sweetfire chicken at Panda Express. (Three-entree guy here. Ladies.)
The last play of the week is just P.J. Fleck running fast.
My laptop touch pad has barbecue sauce on it.
Charlie Strong's long Austin nightmare is finally over. If the loss to Kansas didn't seal it, a blowout at the hands of 5-5 TCU gave Texas AD Mike Perrin no choice. (The loss to Kansas sealed it though.)
Let's remember the good times, like this photo of Strong watching two baby Bengal tigers play in his office.
I'm sad for Charlie today, but I will not be sad when those tigers mature and inevitably maul him to death in his backyard. I've got no sympathy for owners of exotic predators.
America's reasonable and comforting uncle Verne Lundquist called his last regular season SEC game this week, a snoozer of an Iron Bowl during which Joe Namath kissed him on the cheek while wearing a mink coat.
(Lundquist will be replaced by Brad Nessler, who is mostly fine, but probably spends $400 on haircuts every two weeks and would hit on your mother if given the chance.)
Verne has called everything from Tiger Woods' most dramatic shot and Christian Laettner's turnaround jumper to the wildest college football ending ever and Happy Gilmore's biggest drives. The guy swooped his future wife from a poor sap on a blind date. He's forgotten more about college football (as evidenced by his botched calls in recent years) than you'll ever know. He is the best, and he will be missed.