College Football Week 12 Roundup: Bayou Blunders
Just before the final boss battle in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, the evil Ganon uses the Triforce of Power to grow larger and stronger than ever before. He slaps away the Master Sword, Link's primary weapon. To save the princess and win the game, the player must get creative with his attack and approach the situation from a less-than-obvious angle. The stakes are high, and the element of surprise is required to defeat the monster.
Down six points late in the fourth quarter, LSU had four opportunities to pull off such an ambush within seven yards of Florida's end zone. Win, and interim coach Ed Orgeron might just keep his dream job. Lose, and Baton Rouge real estate agents start preparing their sales pitches.
With the Tigers' best player injured watching from the sidelines, one might expect Link-esque resourcefulness and clever playcalling from a desperate coaching staff. Instead, LSU ran the ball up the middle four straight plays, surprising exactly no one in the stadium — least of all Florida's defense.
The day I was close to defeating Ganon in Ocarina of Time, I faked an illness and stayed home from school. It was a task that deserved my full attention, not something to be approached lazily and without gusto. If and when Coach O is let go at the end of the season, the school's paperwork should include "Lack of imagination" as the reason for termination.
On to the roundup!
Good Day/Bad Day
Good Day: Old Buffs
These ladies have been hooked on Colorado football ever since Myron Witham led the boys to an undefeated season and Rocky Mountain Faculty Athletic Conference title. Also possible: the glasses are from a costume shop and they're actresses in makeup doing a bit for Kimmel.
Bad Day: Online body-shamers
Good luck bringing down these two fun, confident dudes. Just a couple of guys letting loose at the game. You're the insecure one.
The reactions in the background of this photo remind me of the famous "Last Shot" picture of Michael Jordan, except instead of peering into the souls of soon-to-be-heartbroken Utahns, we're looking at grown adults wearing their disgust on their sleeves.
Take Will Sasso doing Kenny Rogers in the top left. I'd bet my life that whatever he said here started with "What'n the hell...?"
Side note: During my most recent glasses purchase, the woman at the store handed me my new frames with the arms angled way outward. "My head doesn't get increasingly wider towards the back," I thought. "This lady is way off base here."
She wasn't, and if we're being honest, I look like if you put swim goggles on a beach ball. So I feel your pain, guy on the right.
Bad Day: Rich Rodriguez
Good Day: Joe Thomas, Sr., 55-year-old running back
Plenty of jokes to be made here, but this old man took the ball and lowered his shoulder into a tackle. The only indication that he's elderly in the clip below is the two-hand high-five he delivers to the coach. Young people do not use two hands to high-five.
Joe Thomas has been putting his hand in the dirt longer than some of you boys have been alive.
Bad Day: The poor kid who has to fulfill Mike Gundy's warranty at Sunglass Hut
Good Day: The kids out there havin' fun! Also climate change deniers.
Michigan survived a scare from Indiana and celebrated as only B1G teams can.
Here's a neat pic. The snow was really comin' down out there. B1G.
Bad Day: Brent Venables, Clemson Defensive Coordinator and guy who needs to relax a little bit.
Imagine yelling so much that you feared for your own safety. Maybe get a massage or something dude. Try some essential oils, or one of those mist things girls have at their desks sometimes. Incense maybe? Try some incense.
Bad Day: Sideline camera guy at the Missouri game
Good Day: Witnesses to KU history
Kansas fans, many of them wearing basketball jerseys, rushed the field after beating Rhode Island to open this season. After beating Texas for their second conference win in six years, it's kind of amazing they didn't do more than just tear down the goalposts.
How Did Charlie Strong Sleep Last Night?
It's more likely than not that Charlie is still awake, staring at the security camera monitors in his house to make sure Mike Perrin's henchmen don't show up in the middle of the night.
It's over for Charlie, and he knew it. An overtime loss to Kansas — the Longhorns' first such humiliation since before Alaska and Hawaii were states — will do that to you.
At least he'll always have this:
Fun while it lasted, Charlie. Here's $10 million.
After Louisville's embarrassing blowout at the hands of Houston Thursday night, the Heisman Watch is now a stern glare for Lamar Jackson.
The most elusive quarterback alive was sacked 11 times. That's how bad Louisville's offensive line was. Look at this shit:
One of them just fell on his ass before the play started. That is not a figure of speech. He fell. On. His ass.
If anything, Lamar deserves to be ranked higher simply for surviving this game.
The Best Bad Punts
True punt connoisseurs like myself appreciate bad kicks just as much as we adore great ones. And friends, this was a tremendous week for dreadful punts.
As bad lists often do, this one starts with Rutgers. In 1869, this 19-yard punt might have given the Scarlet Knights a big advantage in their 6-4 victory over Providence. In 2016, it shaved years off Chris Ash's life.
Here's a one-yard punt out of bounds by Washington State. It is almost impossible to do worse.
... almost! The Governors from 0-11 Austin Peay unleashed the equivalent of a topped golf drive against Kentucky.
Kids, punting isn't sexy, but there are plenty of spots available on college teams if you keep those test scores up and figure out how to kick a ball in the air more often than not.
"Don't Judge Me" Nap of the Week
This is actually a tie between me — a guy who may or may not be developing a painkiller and NyQuil habit with a lingering hangover from the previous Saturday — and this glorious Kansas fan relaxing 25 rows away from the nearest noise-maker. Decent chance he/she is just a transient with a Jayhawk flag brought in to beef up the attendance numbers.
Eye Poke of the Week
Mike Weber was apparently told by AppleCare that he could walk in the store and get the part.
Plays of the Week
Washington's Kevin King pulled off the second-best one-handed interception of the year against Arizona State.
Wyoming ended up winning the game, but this heads-up play from San Diego State's Quest Truxton warrants a spot here.
No matter what Justin Arndt accomplishes for the rest of his life, his friends will always be able to knock him down a peg with a simple reminder that Dede Westbrook did this to him on national TV:
Oregon's Darren Carrington made a pretty unbelievable game-winning catch, if you're into that sort of thing.
T.J. Watt's pick-six is the equivalent of blocking your opponent's layup attempt with your elbow.
On the one hand, Saquon Barkley's extra effort is admirable. On the other, it's kind of unbecoming to try so hard against poor Rutgers.
Little tip for the youngsters out there: Just because you're attempting a trick play does not mean it will magically end up well. Know when to cut your losses.
There is just one more full Saturday of college football this year. Use the weeks prior to bowl season to trim some lbs. and approach late December with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. |ES|