College Football Week 10 Roundup: Eaux No

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On paper, Alabama-LSU was set to be the ideal college football game for yours truly: Death Valley at night, Coach O staring down a chance to keep his dream job, Leonard Fournette fresh off the performance of his career, Verne Lundquist calling his last game of the rivalry, and a do-or-die moment for betting slips with the words "LSU" and "National Championship".

The only one of these things to make it out alive was Verne Lundquist, and thank God for that.

Maybe it's the geaux juice talking, but LSU and Alabama appear to be near-equals: both have smothering defenses, bruising lines, and kinda bad kickers. But only one team has a quarterback, and he was the difference Saturday night.

Yeah. Danny Etling can't do that. If you're an LSU fan, scroll down and be cheered up by Marshawn Lynch golf cart bobbleheads. The rest of us will do the same because how can that not put a smile on your face?

Good Day/Bad Day

Bad Day: "3-1 Lead" Jokes

After a sterling summer on Twitter, the "Warriors Blew A 3-1 Lead" joke enjoyed a brief revival in the form of not-at-all-clever College GameDay signs this fall. Steph Curry seemed doomed to endure this cyber bullying through June 2017 ... until a baseball team from Cleveland did the exact same thing in the World Series. 

Chaos erupted in the 3-1 community. Blown lead joke enthusiasts had no idea how to react. It's a brave new world, and they aren't really part of it. The emperor has no clothes or something.

I feel bad for all the gutsy entrepreneurs out there who sunk money into this joke. (Related: If anyone knows the address for "poor kids in Africa" let me know, I've got some hats for them.)

Good Day: Death Valley Vandals

Two "Alabama fans" "broke into" Tiger Stadium Friday night and "vandalized" the team logo at midfield. Riiight.

I call bullshit on this. If two Alabama fans successfully broke into Tiger Stadium the night before the big game, why would they lightly "scratch" the eye of the tiger? Just seems like a weak defacing after all that effort to get in there in the first place.

Probably just a classic motivation technique from ole Ed. 

 "Heya Scoob, looks like Coach O was up to no good on Focus Friday!"

"Heya Scoob, looks like Coach O was up to no good on Focus Friday!"

Good Day: The first 10,000 fans at the Cal-Washington game

Marshawn Lynch is an American treasure, and I'm not lying when I say I would vote for him to be president. Over the years, he's gifted us many great moments, from refusing to engage Serious Journalists at Super Bowl Media Day to running around in the forest with Bear Grylls.

But the most indelible Marshawn image so far is, without question, the time he recklessly drove an injury cart around the field in college.

Bobbleheads as an art form have capture that sweet spot intersection of bobblehead die-hards and irreverent golf cart-driving enthusiasts. On the tenth anniversary of Marshawn's Ride, the geniuses at Cal Berkeley raised the bar for sports event giveaways forever.

Here's Marshawn riding an injury cart with his mom. I defy you to find a more joyous person.

In your wildest dreams you could not imagine a more perfect reunion, or a more perfect bobblehead. $250 is a steal.

 eBay

eBay

Good Day: Drew Lock, booze hound

Great display of leadership from the Missouri quarterback. Most would consider an open bottle of clear liquid thrown onto the field by a college student as a health hazard and threat to safety, but Drew took the opportunity to show his teammates there is nothing to fear in this life but fear itself.

Missouri lost its fifth straight game.

Bad Day: This jobless heathen Cincinnati fan

An apparently sinful and unemployed man gave Tommy Tuberville an earful last night, to which Tommy responded appropriately for a 62-year-old man:

Good Day: Lane Kiffin

"Heroes get remembered, kid. But coaches whose headwear angers adult women never die."

Bad Day: Tommy Armstrong

Tommy Armstrong hit the ground awkwardly after a long run and was probably concussed. Trainers cut his pads and helmet off and whisked him to the nearest hospital. It was very scary.

 ABC

ABC

but wait ...

Good Day: THAT'S TOMMY ARMSTRONG'S MUSIC!

 ABC

ABC

Armstrong fucking came back to the stadium wearing hospital scrubs and ran across the field to be with his teammates after we thought he was paralyzed wow I gotta dedicate my life to Tommy Armstrong.

How Did Charlie Strong Sleep Last Night?

 "Have you seen those Arthur memes? There's one for when you're mad and Arthur has his fist balled up, like this."

"Have you seen those Arthur memes? There's one for when you're mad and Arthur has his fist balled up, like this."

Despite a stunning 14-point swing in the second quarter (video below), Charlie and the Longhorns held on for an eight-point win over Texas Tech. But not without a touch of controversy.

Facing third-and-short with less than three minutes left in the game, Texas called two consecutive runs with Tyrone Swoops while star running back D'Onta Foreman sat on the bench. Neither play was successful, and Tech got the ball back with a chance to tie the game. Broadcaster Tim Brando was flabbergasted:

"I just never imagined that [Foreman] would be out of the game. I just don't believe what I just saw. I'm as big a fan of Charlie as a human being as you are, but that's the kind of call that gets you fired."

Texas is now 5-4, with three losses by one score. They should become bowl-eligible with a win over Kansas in two weeks. Charlie Strong probably slept okay last night, but maybe had a bad dream about Tim Brando.

Guys,

New feature on the Roundup called "Guys," where we highlight a group of dudes who need a quick reality check. This week, we talk down to the entire American Athletic Conference.

Guys, come on. This is akin to a junior varsity basketball team writing "VARSITY" on the backs of their jerseys before their games on Saturday mornings in empty gyms. The real players aren't even awake yet, let alone aware of your little stunt.

Sure, every now and then an AAC team pops up in the rankings. I even thought Houston might get to the Playoff this year! But guys, your conference is not on the same level as the B1G, SEC, ACC, PAC-12, or even B12. They have Heisman winners from before some of your schools were invented! Your rivalries are contrived, your best teams (and coaches) spend every free moment trying to escape, and the only school named for a state — Connecticut — fields a football team that is less popular than it's women's basketball squad. Guys.

Heisman Watch

1) Lamar Jackson, Louisiville QB

 USA TODAY Sports

USA TODAY Sports

For too long, this portion of the roundup has been a charade. "Oh Mitch Trubisky is pretty good, did you know that?" "Jabrill Peppers is actually the best football player, if we're being honest guys." "Myles Garrett like science!" 

It's time to cut the shit. No longer is there any reason to tolerate Heisman talk for candidates other than Lamar Jackson. Yesterday he threw four touchdowns — one-third of his completions — ran for three more, racked up 185 rushing yards and it seemed normal to everyone.

This is not normal. Jackson has three games with seven or more touchdowns this year. He could break Colt Brennan's record of 63 total TDs in a season with 200 fewer passing attempts. He's 19 years old!

To other good college football players: thanks for playing. But it's over.

* If you want to see all seven TDs from this week, scroll down to our new feature titled "All of Lamar Jackson's Touchdowns".

Plays of the Week

First, the wildest play of the week:

In case you're still not sure what happened, Texas RB D'Onta Foreman hurdled a guy at the 15-yard line, punished an idiot who tried to tackle him at the 10, then carried the entire Texas Tech secondary to within a foot of the end zone, only to be stripped at the last possible second by Douglas Coleman, who then sprinted 100 yards the other direction for a touchdown. 

Vanderbilt's Zach Cunningham, uh, "got in the way" of a field goal attempt

To call this a "field goal block" is unfair to the guys who took the long way around the line and grazed the ball with their fingertip. This is something much different, like a video game glitch. Zach Cunningham swallowed a field goal.

Speight to Peppers to Speight to Chesson, first down

Shameless way for Michigan to tack on more touches to Peppers' stats. Wouldn't be surprised if they had the guy parachute in the game ball next weekend, folks.

Arkansas' Damon Mitchell lays some old-fashioned wood

Clean, legal hits which also leave destruction in their wake are rare these days, and should be celebrated appropriately. In my case, I wrote a note to my unborn son barring him from playing special teams.

Washington's John Ross finally gives Mark Jones a reason to use that 2008 Rick Ross reference he's been sitting on all these years

Ohio State's Malik Hooker leaves the guys across from him in a daze

Cal's do-it-all huge guy Malik McMorris pops the ball free

The forced fumble was so impressive announcer Rod Gilmore went on and on about "stealing possessions," which is a too-nefarious alternative to the traditional "turnover."

All of Lamar Jackson's Touchdowns

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wow Lamar Jackson has a lot of TDs. I wish there was some way I could see them all in one place." Well, ten weeks into the season, we've created that place.

Presenting All of Lamar Jackson's Touchdowns:

Hey look, the same exact play:

Those were All of Lamar Jackson's Touchdowns. Thanks for reading, and see you next week. |ES|