'Bachelor' Season 21 Contestant Scouting Reports Based On Nothing But Their Bios And Fashion Choices

Season twenty something of The Bachelor starts one week from tonight, which means you need some guidance on filling out that bracket for your office pool. You could just pick random names and hope for the best. Or you can read our made-up backstories and conspiratorial theories below to gain an edge on your friends and co-workers. I suggest the latter.

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Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL

Astrid is already scheming up ways to sabotage the other contestants. She probably stole that ribbed top from somebody else because she knew it would look better on her. And the hell of it is, she's right. Do something about it. You can't.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. "Work."

Okay then.

Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ

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Aren't we all aspiring dolphin trainers when you really think about it? Alexis' career of choice will make for solid opening night conversation with Nick (and if the producers are on their game, some timely sound effects), but I imagine he'll be turned off by her smugness during a group date at a water park.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: What are you most afraid of? "E.T. the alien."

Movie aliens don't get more harmless than E.T. I need more fearlessness out my dolphin trainers. This is embarrassing.

Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC

All the modeling jobs in rural South Carolina must have dried up, forcing Angela to buy this Bachelor lottery ticket and hope for the best. You read it here first: Not here for the right reasons.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: If you could be any animal, which one and why? "Dolphin. They are playful and sociable and live in family groups."

This sounds like some job interview nonsense. Plus we already got a dolphin girl, Angela. Find another lane.

Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT

Look at that smile. It's an "I'm just happy to be here" smile. Combine that with a friendly Utah vibe and the "I just love helping people" career and Briana is all set to get bullied on Night One and sent home without even interacting with Nick. Sad!

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: What are five things you can't live without? "Coffee, my water bottle, family/friends, socks, chapstick."

Uh, hey Briana. Lip balm can be habit-forming, FYI. Maybe relax on the whole addiction thing.

Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA

This is a hell of a necklace, if you can even call it that. I've been staring at it for five minutes and still can't figure out the physics of the thing. Looks like an unused shoelace with a worry stone from the local rock shop affixed to the middle. Instant conversation starter, and a brilliant way to stand out in a crowd of mid-20s nurses and dolphin trainers. Love it.

Brittany is obviously a risk-taker, and with those arms I wouldn't be surprised if she makes formalwear choices based on her ability to hit a climbing wall in the middle fo the date. Strong contender.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: None, which is in itself very disturbing.

""If something is too good to be true, it probably is." - Oprah" - Rim

Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK

As we all learned in 2001's The Wedding Planner, those in the marriage industry are better off letting fate take the wheel rather than forcing something that isn't there. Christen will not find love here.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? "I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors."

With one fantasy "get out of jail free" card, Christen would seek solitary confinement in a White House storage closet, making her life immeasurably worse for months on end and probably resulting in no secrets discovered. Not very well-thought-out.

Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL

Forest green? Knots and lace and shit? Corrine's trying to tell us something here. Either she's outdoorsy enough to own multiple Bear Grylls-branded flint strikers, or she's so deficient in that area she wants us to think she could survive a night in a tent. Possible Troop Beverly Hills situation. Be wary.

"Business owner". Such a slap in the face to small business owners like Danielle L.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: Tattoos? "Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already faded."

Whoa, C! (I call her C.) Try not to make it so obvious you got some lingering ex-boyfriend tats. Though I guess that doesn't really matter when the Bachelor himself is a Fantasy Suite veteran. Your tattoos are less permanent than this video.

Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA

Oh shit, sideways pose. That's how you know Danielle likes to have fun.

In my limited time as a Bachelor viewer (not ready to say "fan" just yet), minor racial ambiguity is worth a rose or two. Expect Danielle L. to move through at least two ceremonies on mystery alone.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionTattoos? "A lotus on the back of my neck, and two butterfly tattoos -- one on the back of each ankle."

What is the "back of an ankle?" You mean your Achilles tendon? Are you out of your mind?

Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN

"Um, excuse me?! My eyes are up here." 

Actually, Danielle, I wasn't looking there. I was intrigued by those weird string deals just above that area. What's that about? /conversation starter

Everything here appears to be A-1 marriage material. If her Nashville voice is half as beautiful as her hair, then we got a real winner on our hands.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: Danielle's fiance passed away so I'll refrain from roasting her out-of-context interview. I have boundaries and shit.

Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA

The key to irresponsibly judging people with nose rings is knowing their location. For example, a 25-year-old nose-ringed girl from Billings, Montana is probably looking for trouble long after the town curfew. Dominique, on the other hand, is from LA, so it's no big deal. Restaurant server with a heart (and vest) of gold.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionLunch with three people alive or dead, and what would you order? "My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we'd be eating burritos from Chipotle."

Perhaps the most important aspect of questions like these is the chemistry among the people you choose. You're eating lunch (or dinner, or playing golf, as it were) together. To discount the relationships between the people you invite is selfish. You think Leo wants to eat a fucking burrito with Jesus Christ? Bad lunch, Dominique.

Elizabeth ("Liz"), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV

I don't know Nick Viall from a hole in the wall, but word on the Bachelor streets is that is a shallow douche. That's great news for Liz, because she's got perfect teeth.

Very much looking forward to the scene where he asks her what a "doula" is. Because I also want to know.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionIf I never had to ______, I would be very happy. "Kill someone."

So is this, like, a possibility?

Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX

Tell you what, Princess Peach over here has me ready to shave my beard into a mustache, put on a red hat and suspenders and save her from the evil Bowser. (Nick = Bowser, FYI. Do Bachelor fans like video game analogies?)

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: Do you consider yourself neat or messy? "I like to be organized messy."

No such thing. Pick a side, Elizabeth.

Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Talk about too cool for school. Definitely not here to make friends, Hailey's laser-focused on Nick at the expense of her promotional obligations. Heavy favorite for the "Can I Steal Him For A Second?" crown.

Most blunt answer to an ABC.com bio question: Do you plan on having kids some day? "Yes. Two would be great. A lot of things are made for families of four. Only children are strange."

Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX

Bold move from Ida Marie coming with the modified Qui-Gon Jinn top. It takes confidence to put all your chips in the personality basket when the other girls are breaking out flashy jewelry and various hues of teal. Smile indicates she likes to have fun. That's a plus.

Unfortunately, this harmless southern belle is fixin' to get chewed up and spit out by a gauntlet of older, more ruthless women on set. Possible candidate for the next season of Bachelorette.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionWhat kind of snacks do you like? "Cheetos with a pickle."

This message is for Nick: Nick, Ida Marie is apparently pregnant. Keep at an arm's length until the situation is clarified.

Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA

Unique hair = guaranteed first ceremony rose. You can't let hair like this slide out after two hours. Gotta let it marinate for a while. See what comes of this.

Need to know the story of Jaimi's eyebrow scar. Really hoping she fought an alligator in a New Orleans swamp, but it's more likely an older sibling grazed it with the sliding door on the family van. Everybody's got a lame-ass scar story involving a sibling and the family van.

Also, Jaimi is a legitimate chef. Not a cook, not a baker, a goddamn chef. Respect the title. 

"Yes, chef!" - Nick on their honeymoon, am I right

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionDo you follow a specific diet (i.e. vegetarian, macrobiotic, etc.)? "Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian. Just fish + bird, plus byproducts."

I'm an Arby's guy, so it's kind of tough to reconcile "we have the meats" with all that Latin mumbo jumbo above. Sounds like Jaimi only eats plants that were around during the Mesozoic Era.

Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA

Tale of two eyes right here. Jasmine's right says, "My heart is open. Will your love find it's way in?" (That's some classic Kay stuff for you jewelry commercial novices). Her left eye says, "I see you talking that shit behind my back. Don't think I won't *end you* in front of everyone on this group date." Both eyes will serve her well in this competition. Final four potential.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: What would an ex say are your 3 worst attributes? "I'm too nice, I care too much what others think, and I get stressed easily."

MICHAEL SCOTT ALERT!

When someone lists their worst attribute as being "too nice", they are a surefire bet to make another contestant cry on the first night.

Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA

Jasmine is apparently a dancer for the Golden State Warriors, who blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. Nick's previous experiences on The Bachelorette are equivalent to blowing two 3-1 leads, which means Jazz (I call her Jazz also) is uniquely qualified to help Nick move on to the next chapter of his life -- and potentially form a super team.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionIf you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? "Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I'm the girl version."

Branding yourself as "the female Guy Fieri" is a dicey strategy on a reality TV dating show.

Josephine, 24, unemployed nurse, Santa Cruz, CA

Damn they slapped Josephine with the "unemployed" tag. That's gotta hurt, but it's definitely a good sign for her longevity on the show. Funny job titles have a tendency to stick around.

Also, most of the other girls are dressed pretty casually, a get-to-know-you vibe without coming on too strong. Josie looks like she's ready to celebrate the end of prohibition. She's probably holding one of those long cigarette holder things down by her hip. Audrey Hepburn shit. 

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionHeight: 5'7 ¾"

This isn't the NFL Combine, Josephine. We're all adults here, rough estimates are fine.

Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY

Kristina's got one of those smiles where you know she's from Kentucky before reading the bio. You can probably hear her voice in your head already. Hey y'all, just here to have fun and be me!

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: Who is your favorite clothes designer? "Myself. Sometimes if I can't find an outfit for an event, I would end up making my own."

Suddenly viable blog post: "Who said it? Kanye West or Kristina from The Bachelor?"

But naw jp girl love the confidence. Sup?

Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY

Bam, Star of David right in your face. Is that okay with you, Nick? Send Lacey home and you're close-minded. Give her the final rose and your kids will be celebrating two consumer holidays each December for eternity. What's it gonna be?

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionIf you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? "Apple (a little tough on the outside but sweet inside)."

I'm no Mr. Wizard, but I'm pretty sure a baby's fingernail can pierce the skin of an apple.

Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL

Lauren is both within Nick's age range and intelligent enough to earn a law degree. So she's got no chance.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: Lauren didn't answer the question about her biggest fear. Major red flag.

Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA

"Food truck owner" might be the most endearing profession on this list. Michelle is a successful young entrepreneur, puts up with customer bullshit all day, is almost certainly a fabulous cook, and probably doesn't flip when you leave an Arby's bag in the front seat. That's called checking all the boxes right there.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: If you could have lunch with three people, alive or dead, who (and what would you order)? "Albus Dumbledore – Sunday roast, Gwen Stefani – Tacos, Princess Diana – Fish and chips"

This is just a fundamental misunderstanding of the question. It's one lunch, Michelle! Also are you Michelle Williams? Double also: Sup?

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK

I've got a sneaking suspicion Olivia is unreasonably tied to her hometown, which could be her early undoing. Seems like people from undesirable places are the least likely to leave them when it comes time to commit.*

*This is based on nothing.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionWhat is your most embarrassing moment? "When I was a maid of honor for the first time. The speech I gave was so bad that I just started crying, had to stop the speech and sit down."

Nothing to be ashamed of here, Olivia. That puts you in the company of 95% of drunk wedding speech-givers.

Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX

Power Rankings: Most Intimidating Things About Rachel from Dallas

3. Head position. Chin tilted neither up nor down, sure sign she doesn't take shit from anyone.
2. Career. It takes me six months to finish a chapter book. Rachel bullies corporations so bad they have to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
1. Strength. I would lose a pull-up contest to Rachel, which is highly emasculating.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionDo you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? "I hate things that fly (e.g. birds, grasshoppers)."

Never understood bird-fearers. If we're talking animals, why not mention bears or rhinos or something that can end your life in an instant? Birds just glide around in the sky and shit on things.

Speaking of birds...

Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR

If your name is Raven, chances are you were raised in a house with lots of incense and no internet. Darkening your hair and wearing all black is just part of the deal. Even her hometown sounds like the setting of a slasher horror movie. This bird is likely too flighty for Nick.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? "Blue Ivy -- who doesn't want to be the child of Jay Z and Beyonce?"

Of all the people in the world -- including Beyonce -- Raven would choose to be Beyonce's four-year-old daughter for a day. How thrilling it must be to go to rich people daycare.

Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA

If I didn't know better (I don't), I'd say teal is not the actual color of Sarah's top here. This appears to be the same thing worn by Rachel 9and others), which as we all know is the most humiliating thing a Bachelor contestant can endure. Tech guys hit it with some photoshop, and boom, you've got a totally unique dress color on the main page of ABC.com. Stay woke.

Anyway, Sarah looks fun. Elite-level hair, solid jewelry-mixing. 

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: What's the most romantic present you've ever received? "A star named after me, just like in A Walk to Remember because I hadn't told him I liked that, he came up with it."

This is great news for Nick, the bar is low. There are two documented instances of a person naming stars after other people: Sarah's ex-boyfriend and Murray from Flight of the Conchords.

Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA

Susannah has a look in her eyes that says, "This is not a game to me. For more than a decade, my singular life goal has been to get on The Bachelor. Now that I'm here, I plan to spare no life on my ruthless quest for the final rose. I smile like this to hide the tips of my canines, which I have had professionally sharpened in case I need to puncture the artery in your neck. Name's Susannah, by the way."

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionAll-time favorite movies: "Titanic, Inglourious Basterds, Avatar."

Avatar stinks. That's all I got for this one.

Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA

The only non-sports thing I know about Seattle is Fifty Shades of Grey. So.

Most confusing answer to an ABC.com bio question: I hate it when my date… "Only talks about himself or only asks about me."

what

Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada

I'm almost positive Vanessa is wearing the same earrings as Taylor. In a crowd of 30, that's no way to stand out. Nick will justifiably punish this lack of inventiveness. 

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio questionIf you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? "An onion because they're a staple item and can be found all year round."

While I'm not exactly the authority on fruits and vegetables, "staple item" seems like a made-up term to me. Though she does have a point with the year-round thing. The best ability is availability, folks.

Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN

Refusing to smile for your official reality show head shot is the quickest way to assert dominance over your competition. Whitney probably didn't even shake hands or introduce herself on the first night. Wardrobe full of black dresses and icy stares. Whitney plays no games. Potential final four pick.

Most disturbing answer to an ABC.com bio question: What's your biggest regret? "I don't live life with regrets."

Girl, everyone's got regrets. For example, I regret reading all the bios for Bachelor contestants and subsequently writing this post. |ES|