2016 MTV Movie Awards Recap: Did Anyone Vote For This?

Live from a parking lot in Burbank, California, it's the 2016 MTV Movie Awards!

While MTV's core audience has eroded from nearly everyone in your middle school homeroom to a few scattered amateur psychologists who enjoy watching people get duped over the internet, one thing remains the same: the annual MTV Movie Awards.

The 25th edition of this meaningless folly took place Sunday night, and the main takeaway is probably the pervasive and fundamental misunderstanding of the concept of anniversaries. Thankfully, Music Television only subjected us to a little more than two hours of this nonsense, a bite-sized portion compared to some of our more serious awards shows.

 I wasn't kidding when I said this thing was outside. |  Mark Davis/Getty Images for MTV

I wasn't kidding when I said this thing was outside. | Mark Davis/Getty Images for MTV

Our hosts this year were none other than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, an American treasure, and Kevin Hart, also an American treasure. Unfortunately, their opening monologue proved the old adage, "two American treasures don't always make a right."

Banter is beautiful, sure, but the "I'm big, you're small" cracks wore thin right away. 'Twas a precursor for the rest of the evening.

Best Female Performance

  • Daisy Ridley, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
  • Charlize Theron, Mad Max: Fury Road
  • Morena Baccarin, Deadpool
  • Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
  • Anna Kendrick, Pitch Perfect 2

Any one of the first three nominees would be a deserving winner, but Charlize Theron was sitting in the front row so that was probably the tiebreaker. Her acceptance speech took a turn for the real when she said, "The story of Fury Road is a story about the power of women," which kind of bummed me out because apparently I totally misunderstood that movie. Thought it was more of an oil/car crash deal.

Best Virtual Performance

  • Andy Serkis, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Seth McFarlane, Ted 2
  • Jack Black, Kung Fu Panda 3
  • Amy Poehler, Inside Out
  • Lupita Nyong'o, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • James Spader, Avengers: Age of Ultron

Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele presented this award, teasing us with their hallmark chemistry and groundbreaking banter perfectly suited for hosting duties for shows like this. Alas.

Inside Out is a film I did not know existed before this moment, and the Wikipedia entry is far too long for me to muster a care. In any event, Poehler once again excelled in her role as "your best friend who has a few drinks and makes you feel comfortable even at a real fancy dinner party." 

Captain America sneak peek review: What's the deal with these Captain America movies? He just has a Target shield and that's it? How does he travel through time? Why wouldn't he wear a pair of USA Shaqnosises? Oh he can fly? Why is Iron Man in this movie? GRADE: F-, HARD PASS

Our first musical performance was delivered by Halsey, who debuted a brooding (awful) song off the soundtrack for something called The Huntsman: Winter's War while dressed as Gozer the Gozerian in evening wear. Sad!

 We've come a long way since the scandalous days of  Britney, bitch . |  YouTube

We've come a long way since the scandalous days of Britney, bitch. | YouTube

Best Action Performance

  • Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part 2
  • John Boyega, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Dwayne Johnson, San Andreas
  • Chris Pratt, Jurassic World
  • Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool
  • Vin Diesel, Furious 7

How's this for gender equity? Vin Diesel and Jennifer Lawrence up for the same award! Thank you Based Billie Jean King.

Chris Pratt won for his abysmal work in Jurassic World, though I consider this a make-up for his winless night last year. He appeared to arrive straight from the set of Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

 When he started on  Parks & Recreation , Chris Pratt was a fat 29-year-old not far removed from living in a van. There is hope for all of us. |  Getty Images for MTV

When he started on Parks & Recreation, Chris Pratt was a fat 29-year-old not far removed from living in a van. There is hope for all of us. | Getty Images for MTV

True Story Award

  • Concussion
  • The Revenant
  • Steve Jobs
  • The Big Short
  • Straight Outta Compton
  • Joy

Let's just pretend this never happened and move on with the show.

Common, whose presence in the White House was once worthy of debate, introduced Kendrick Lamar, who introduced this category's winner and yeah, you can guess who that might be.

The group from Straight Outta Compton gave one of the more entertaining speeches of the night, with original N.W.A. member DJ Yella showing off a surprising lack of familiarity with recording equipment by screaming the names of his band mates into the microphone. I'm allowed to be smug because I have a podcast, no big deal.

Ice Cube's son O'Shea Jackson Jr. — enormously popular among the females in attendance, despite his choice in footwear — delivered a pleasant speech about surrounding yourself with good people. He closed by raising the signature golden popcorn and saying, "This one's for Kobe," but then he failed to lean backward, launch the award in the air and miss the audience entirely, so it was kind of a half-assed dedication if you ask me. 

 If you have the slightest bit of interest in seeing  Straight Outta Compton , do it. It is a very good movie. |  MTV

If you have the slightest bit of interest in seeing Straight Outta Compton, do it. It is a very good movie. | MTV

Best Comedic Performance

  • Amy Schumer, Trainwreck
  • Kevin Hart, Ride Along 2
  • Melissa McCarthy, Spy
  • Rebel Wilson, Pitch Perfect 2
  • Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool
  • Will Ferrell, Get Hard

Tough year for comedies. We can safely assume four of these six movies were not recommended to anyone by anyone. Trainwreck and Deadpool (haven't seen it) might be the only two with any lasting power, and Amy's not in attendance, so...

Generation Award — Will Smith

 "Brown suede jacket," "brown suede jacket black shoulder panels," "mahogany suede jacket," - my Google search history during this speech |  Getty Images for MTV

"Brown suede jacket," "brown suede jacket black shoulder panels," "mahogany suede jacket," - my Google search history during this speech | Getty Images for MTV

Any lifetime achievement award for the iconic multi-talented entertainer of our time must include a medley of his greatest hits! And who better to deliver this worthy ceremony than a trio of dorks best known for creating music videos your mom forwards you with "L.O.L. hey this is funny right?"*

The Lonely Island's clownish tribute was fun enough, but probably not what Will expected after thirty prolific years in the business. It would be like the Foul Ball Guy introducing Ken Griffey, Jr. at his Hall of Fame induction.

Following a nostalgic video package loaded with memorable one-liners and smiles (people forget about The Legend of Bagger Vance), Will blessed us with his presence on stage. "I'm dedicated to being a light in this world," he said, correctly. "A lot of people are suffering, and when you see my material, when I present myself in public, just know that I’m dedicated until I die to light and to love."

I would prefer if he just never died, but the effort is appreciated.

Best Breakthrough Performance

  • John Boyega, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
  • O'Shea Jackson Jr., Straight Outta Compton
  • Brie Larson, Room
  • Daisey Ridley, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Amy Schumer, Trainwreck

So many great options to choose from and also Dakota Johnson! British Jennifer Lawrence took home the prize. Her speech was short, but sweet. Perhaps she's saving some thank-yous for later? (She is.)

 Ariana Grande, seen here nearly enveloped by a medium-sized cotton swab. |  Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for MTV

Ariana Grande, seen here nearly enveloped by a medium-sized cotton swab. | Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for MTV

The next musical performance was nearly good enough to wash away the muck Halsey left on our ears.

Ariana Grande took us back to the smoky nightclubs of the old days, channeling Madonna in Dick Tracy because I refuse to acknowledge any movies from before 1976.

Commercial notes: Long are the breaks during shows on MTV, but short are the individual commercials. Avoid the channel entirely if you're at risk for seizures, because apparently the only way to get these millennials to look up from their phones is to pump loud EDM and bright flashing lights through their flatscreen.

Best Kiss

Not gonna list the nominees here because that feels kinda weird to me.

Adam Devine and Rebel Wilson, both of whom really outkicked their coverage in terms of fame, won for their smooch in Pitch Perfect 2, which can't possibly be as good as the first one even though I haven't seen either. 

Drink it in.

The cast of Suicide Squad, led by the perpetually unrecognizable Jared Leto, introduced a "new" trailer with a big twist! CLICK BELOW TO FIND OUT THE BIG TWIST or don't you'll be fine either way.

Comedic Genius Award — Melissa McCarthy

If ever there was a recipient of a made-up award worthy of your scorn, this would be it.

Melissa McCarthy, who has played a lead role in all of five movies (an average summer for Kevin Hart) — almost all of which stink — was awarded with a distinction of GENIUS. Genius! Her middle name should be "Received Generally Negative Reviews From Critics." Sharpen your pitchforks, because next year they're on track to give this thing to Brad Garrett.

"While I am the first woman to win this award, I am certainly not the first one to deserve it." Uh, no shit.

 This is probably the image Melissa McCarthy would create if she had access to a green screen. |  Getty Images for MTV

This is probably the image Melissa McCarthy would create if she had access to a green screen. | Getty Images for MTV

Best Fight

  • Avengers: Age of Ultron
  • Mad Max
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Deadpool
  • Spy
  • The Revenant

Don't really care about this category, but I do question the decision to include a bear mauling Leonardo di Caprio as one of the nominees. No wonder he didn't show up to your piddly little outdoor circus.

The obvious act to follow this category was the wiry Eddie Remayne, who has never engaged fisticuffs in his life. Our bashful English buddy presented a new trailer for the J.K. Rowling movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Folks, this Adult Harry Potter deal looks faaaantastic.

Finally, the natural pairing of Alexander Skarsgard and Samuel L. Jackson took the stage to present the night's most prestigious award. Sam Jackson is 67 years old and that is staggering.

Movie of the Year

  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron
  • Creed
  • Deadpool
  • Jurassic World
  • Straight Outta Compton

Ignore for a moment that Creed deserved to win all the awards, including Best Kiss. The Force Awakens was the cultural event of 2015, and a deserving recipient of this award that almost certainly didn't make it out of J.J. Abrams' Uber that night. |ES|

 Be more approachable, Daisey Ridley. You can't. |  Getty Images for MTV

Be more approachable, Daisey Ridley. You can't. | Getty Images for MTV

Some photos and stuff:

 Looks like one of  Mystery's  illegitimate children is all grown up. |  Getty Images for MTV

Looks like one of Mystery's illegitimate children is all grown up. | Getty Images for MTV

 Next year's hosts. |  Getty Images for MTV

Next year's hosts. | Getty Images for MTV

 These guys managed to make  neuralyzers  lame. |  Getty Images for MTV

These guys managed to make neuralyzers lame. | Getty Images for MTV

Tim