The Warriors Finally Lost. Here's How Their Next 57 Games Will Go


For 24 straight games to begin this season, no NBA team could solve the defending champion Golden State Warriors. As playoff outfits crumbled at the sight of the champions, it looked as if an act of God would be necessary for a team to finish a game with more points than the flashy squad from Oakland. 

But Friday night, the Milwaukee Bucks (and their fans) cracked the riddle. All you need is a bunch of beer, loud noises, and bold t-shirts. If Bucks execs are smart, they'll pass the memo along to other teams via Morse code, like when the USA told all the other countries the secret to taking out the aliens at the end of Independence Day.

12/16 vs Phoenix Poor Suns. These guys are in for the thrashing of a lifetime. They may as well be little chickens in the raptor cage at Jurassic Park after the handlers zapped all the dinosaurs for no reason. Or whatever raptors eat/ate. Either way they're toast. WIN

12/18 vs Milwaukee The Bucks (and their fans) treated Saturday night's game like USA vs Russia hockey at the 1985 Olympics. If their hangover still hasn't worn off by this match-up, the Dubs will be sure to douse them in cold water. WIN

12/23 vs Utah The Jazz aren't bad, so maybe they can keep it close. WIN

12/25 vs Cleveland Tried to think of a funny quip about this Finals rematch, but I can't stop thinking about this year's stunning Christmas jerseys. WIN

12/28 vs Sacramento To beat the Warriors, you need leadership, teamwork, and shooters. The Sacramento Kings have Rajon RondoWIN

12/30 @ Dallas The Mavs have a winning record, but they haven't beaten many good teams. I would classify the Warriors as "good". WIN

12/31 @ Houston Second night of a back-to-back on the road? In Houston? LOSS

1/2 vs Denver The Warriors haven't lost two in a row since... (last year, but still) WIN

1/4 vs Charlotte Marvin Williams, Tyler Hansbrough, Kemba Walker, Cody Zeller, Frank Kaminsky...boy I tell you what, the Hornets would make for one hellacious college team. WIN

1/5 @ LA Lakers The Warriors lead the NBA in assists per game. The Lakers are dead last. You may end up telling your kids about this final score. WIN

1/8 @ Portland Can't think of a good joke. WIN

1/9 @ Sacramento George Lucas describing the Kings' defensive abilities. WIN

1/11 vs Miami Have you seen Dwyane Wade lately? He looks like he just lost a July game of one-on-one to his adolescent son for the first time out on the blacktop. The holiday collection is fire though. WIN

1/13 @ Denver I once fried a turkey in Denver, and it didn't turn out perfectly. Will the altitude similarly affect the Warriors frenetic pace? They're not turkeys, so probably not. WIN

1/14 vs LA Lakers This game will be key in determining which number is higher this season: Lakers wins or Warriors losses. WIN

1/16 @ Detroit Sneaky tough matchup for the Dubs here. Detroit allows the second-fewest 3PA per game, has a top-five defense in the Eastern Conference and blah blah blah it doesn't matter the Warriors will kill them. WIN

1/18 @ Cleveland You know how after the hectic holiday season you just can't get back into the swing of things at work and wish you could take a week or two for yourself? LeBron James actually does that. WIN

1/20 @ Chicago Predicting the outcome of a Bulls game this far in advance is like predicting what will happen on LOST three seasons down the line. Who knows what shape Derrick Rose will be in? WIN

1/22 vs Indiana, 1/25 vs San Antonio, 1/27 vs Dallas This is not an easy home stand! But as former Figure It Out host Summer Sanders once said, "To be a champion, you have to see the big picture." WIN x 3

1/30 @ Philadelphia Lol. WIN

1/31 @ NY Knicks Even though Kristaps Porzingis grew up watching guys like Stephen Curry and Draymond Green, he won't be intimidated. Bet on a triple-double from the Latvian. LOSS

2/3 @ Washington General rule of thumb: If only one starter (John Wall) could contribute to/survive a Golden State practice session, well... WIN

2/6 vs Oklahoma City The Thunder are one of the only teams capable of beating Golden State at their own game. They won't. WIN

2/9 vs Houston When I was probably 11 years old, I pretended my leg was injured so I didn't have to go back into a blowout game. I expect Dwight Howard to do the same thing the first quarter. WIN

2/10 @ Phoenix Gosh, I don't know. Talking Stick Resort Arena is such a tough place to play. The boys might get rattled by those rowdy Phoenix crowds. WIN

2/19 @ Portland I haven't seen a Trail Blazers game this season, and I intend to keep it that way. WIN

2/20 @ LA Clippers Things guaranteed to happen during a heated Warriors-Clippers game: 1) Thoughtful discussion 2) Bruised egos 3) A Warriors victory WIN

2/22 @ Atlanta, 2/24 @ Miami These two Eastern Conference playoff contenders may as well be the Jamaician bobsled team at the 1988 Olympic time trials in Calgary. The Warriors show up like the Swiss and show them how real basketball is played. WIN x 2

2/25 @ Orlando Quick, name a player on the Magic. WIN

2/27 @ Oklahoma City This match-up caps a seven game road trip which includes two back-to-backs. If this isn't a loss then reunite the Dream Team because nobody is beating these guys. LOSS

3/1 vs Atlanta Honestly how do you expect me to come up with two jokes about the Atlanta Hawks in such a short period of time? Give me something to work with here. WIN

3/3 vs Oklahoma City So cute that Russell Westbook is trying to impress the most electrifying team in the league with fancy trick plays. WIN

3/6 @ LA Lakers Kobe's last game against a defending champion team. Over/under Kobe shots: 32 WIN

3/7 vs Orlando Hurt by the fact that you couldn't name anyone on their team just now, the Magic will come out tough in this one. Of course, it won't be enough. WIN

3/9 vs Utah, 3/11 vs Portland, 3/12 vs Phoenix Three potential suitors for the eighth seed in the Western Conference will be swatted away one-by-one like a bunch of Santino Marellas. WIN x 3

3/14 vs New Orleans Here, the Pelicans will be smack dab in the middle of a surprising playoff push. Perfect spot for the Warriors to get caught sleeping after seven straight wins. LOSS

3/16 vs NY Knicks Bothered by the attention Kristaps received for his monster game against the Warriors six weeks earlier, Carmelo Anthony will essentially freeze out the ROY and eliminate any chance the Knicks have of hanging with them. WIN

3/18 @ Dallas Mark Cuban's sterling reputation may take a hit when he's caught replacing the Warriors' shoe insoles with some space-age deadening compound intended to prevent lift on jump shots. WIN

3/19 @ San Antonio Seems like the perfect spot for the Spurs to give a full effort against the defending champs. Expect at least two overtime periods, capped by an inbound touch-three from Klay Thompson. WIN

3/21 @ Minnesota This is one of those situations where the fan base for an irrelevant team gets really hyped to face the team on a hot streak. Golden State will be gassed after a back-to-back in Texas. LOSS

3/23 vs LA Clippers For the Clips, this game ends a five-game road trip featuring four tough teams. They'll be cranky, and two LA starters will likely be ejected. WIN

3/25 vs Dallas Trolling reaches a high-water mark when the Warriors ownership group presents Mark Cuban with a Shark Tank-style halftime pitch to invest in a thriving business: the Golden State Warriors. WIN

3/27 vs Philadelphia* (Asterisk only because the Sixers may have been forcibly removed from the city of Philadelphia by this point in the season.) WIN

3/29 vs Washington The Warriors main concern for this trip should be whether or not the cherry blossoms will be in bloom after this mild winter we've having. WIN

3/30 @ Utah The Jazz have lost a lot of close games this season. Luckily for their friends and families, this one won't be close. WIN

4/1 vs Boston The Celtics may have shot all their bullets in a double-overtime loss to the Dubs earlier this month, and things may get awkward after the game when Brad Stevens asks childhood idol Luke Walton for a photo.  WIN

4/3 vs Portland Believe it or not, the Blazers have two of my top ten favorite basketball players right now (Al-Farouq Aminu and Pat Connaughton). That should probably tell you more about my top ten list than it does about the Blazers. WIN

4/5 vs Minnesota There isn't enough tape in the Wolves' locker room to prevent the inevitable damage to Ricky Rubio's lower extremities in this one. WIN

4/7 vs San Antonio At this point in the season, the Spurs will probably be locked into a playoff seed, which means Coach Gregg Popovich won't even bring half his team on the road for this one. WIN

4/9 @ Memphis Tony Allen, my favorite player, is no Matthew Dellavedova. WIN

4/10 @ San Antonio Decent chance we see a Spurs starting lineup full of guys on 10-day contracts. WIN

4/13 vs Memphis In their fourth game of the season, the Warriors embarrassed Memphis by 50. Fifty points! A repeat performance will have commissioner Adam Silver considering unprecedented measures to level the playing field for the playoffs. WIN

FINAL RECORD: 76-6 (pretty good!)