The Crackpot Celebrity Presidential Candidates We Deserve

At this point it's safe to say our presidential nomination process is far more exciting when non-politicians/reality TV stars/successful business people/celebrities crash the party.  With that in mind, let's identify some possible challengers tasked with fortifying our big, beautiful wall in 2020.

Jerry Jones

The owner/general manager/godfather of the most valuable franchise in sports is actually worth more than Donald Trump, and has equally questionable judgement!

Jones is well-suited to be a politician: he makes outlandish promises, occasionally philanders, and is hated by his own constituents. It's a perfectly toxic mix, but all that will pale in comparison to Presidential scandals like a Super Bowl-fixing scheme and moving the White House to Arlington just before approving Texas' secession from the Union.

 Look at him. He wants it. He wants it bad.

Look at him. He wants it. He wants it bad.

Slogan: "I guarantee we win the next world war."

Jaden Smith

The son of the man who created the first CD you ever bought with your own money already demonstrates the skills necessary to be an effective politician, and is dedicated to educating the masses, which is simpler than you might think.

Slogans: "No One Believed Galileo Either." and "When I Die. Then You Will Realize."

Prince

The last pleasant experience I had with a bathroom attendant occurred the weekend after Michael Jackson's death, when a man dousing me with unwanted cologne successfully convinced me Prince should be placed on a rung even higher than the recently deceased King of Pop.

A Prince campaign would consist of three unplanned appearances at opposing candidates' rallies, where he would silently glide on stage and roll his eyes at some controversial proposal before disappearing right before the eyes of starstruck crowds.

Unfortunately, chaos would take over on Day 1 after President Prince's wild reinterpretation of state borders went into effect.

Slogan: Hah! Prince does not slogan.

2 Chainz

No joke here. During an unforgettable interview with Nancy Grace, 2 Chainz intelligently outlined his stance on marijuana legalization and instantly became more qualified than most people you see on Presidential debate stages. I would vote for Tauheed Epps.

Slogan: "It's mine, I spend it."

Nancy Grace

Now that I think about it, America can't afford to have a Commander-in-Chief second-guessing their decisions, and few people stick to their guns like the ruthless Nancy Grace.

If you give someone an inch they'll take a mile, and Ms. Grace gives no inches on any issue In the face of all logic and reasonable explanation. A female Putin, if you will.

Slogan: "DID YOU CHECK YOUR BASEMENT?"

John Cena

The 15-time WWE World Champion is resolutely adored by half his constituents, and absolutely reviled by the other half. Critics are tired of his refusal to be "the bad guy", while supporters see him as a ray of light in an otherwise slimy ecosystem.

Remind you of anyone?

A John Cena presidency would be hallmarked by intimidating suits, an undefeated record in hand-squeezing contests with less powerful world leaders, and the complete eradication of cancer in all forms. 

Slogan: "Never Give Up."

Terrence Howard

For too long this country has "followed the rules of arithmetic" and "adhered to the principles of basic math". Where has that gotten us? Straight to mediocrity!

President Howard would bring a much-needed jolt to our public education system with his revolutionary "Terryology", described by the man himself in this Rolling Stone profileSpoiler alert: your college professor was wrong when he told you one times one equals one.

Slogan: "I have created the pieces that make up the motion of the universe."

RiFF RAFF aka JODY HiGHROLLER aka Horst Christian Simco

Shame on you for thinking any of our lists would omit the Peach Panther, the Neon Icon, the Rap Game Stromile Swift. Shame!

Riff Raffwhose legendary ten-minute freestyle in Amsterdam inspired the name for this websiteneeds to overcome a few uncomfortable alliances before securing a nomination. But there's no doubt the rapper/fashion icon possesses the wisdom to lead our great country, and he would definitely turn inaugural ball fashion on its head.

Worried about Riff's foreign policy chops? No need, Jody is not to be trifled with.

Larry David

I mean, would anyone really notice? |ES|

(h/t wade)

 

Tim