Cancel Winter

Today marks the first official day of winter*, the annual scourge draped upon us by that vengeful wench Mother Nature. 

Commonly associated with pristine, untouched snow and beautiful paintings of forest wildlife, winter is actually defined as "when I have absolutely zero interest in being outside for any reason at all why did you even ask me?"

Gone are the days of short sleeves, no sleeves, and our personal favorite, no shirt at all. Shorts are still useful, of course, but only when worn under your regular pants for extra protection from winter's heartless gusts.

Studies have shown that goldfish remember things for longer than the average human remains excited for the first snowfall. With each (allegedly) unique flake, the potential for a fender-bender increases tenfold, as drivers forget everything they know about controlling automobiles. 

To be sure, the streets were safer in the pilot episode of NBC's Revolution than they are during the year's first snowfall.

It remains a mystery why our ancestors stuck it out in places as far north as Canada during the coldest months of the year. One would think the first weather-related death might cause some to throw their hands up and concede victory to Mother Nature.

Instead, we install remote starters in our four-wheel drive cars and hope the drifts don't bury our mailboxes.

But we believe in the power of positivity here at Eight Screens, so we'll end this dreadful item on a hopeful note: There are just 184 days until May!

* Not even close to true. |ES|

Tim Kennedy Jr.